Pieces Of Me
by everstar
Summary: Kagome's having interesting dreams about Inuyasha. But why? [Rated R for language, because nobody under the age of seventeen swears.]
1. These Dreams

Prologue: These Dreams 

From a simple idea, mammoth fictions grow. I have no idea how long this is going to be. If everybody in it cooperates, it's going to be Kag/Inu. If everybody cooperates. Things could get pretty ugly before then. 

That said, here we go. 

Animal sacrifices by the dark of the moon to the mighty Merith, queen of beta, and Niamh for the creepy writing synchronicity. 

The epigraph is from "Tear In Your Hand," by Tori Amos. The chapter title is from "These Dreams," by Heart. (Whee, eighties power ballads!) 

Disclaimer: Have never owned it, never will. If I made money off it, I would be so very confused. 

*** 

_I think maybe there're pieces of me you've never seen  
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen_

*** 

It was one of the clearest memories of Inuyasha Kagome had, and one she'd tried very hard to forget. Inuyasha looking down at her with a strange sort of desperation she'd never seen before. His warm callused hand seizing her wrist. Being tugged inexorably across the soft grass. His arms holding her fiercely. At first she'd almost felt afraid, until she'd realized that tenderness underlay the ferocity. The smell of the grass beneath them had mixed with his scent: fresh earth, pine needles, and something more dark and rich that made it Inuyasha. His entire body trembled, fine, quick tremors that shook her as well. She could still almost feel his heart pounding against hers. 

She sighed in her sleep and waited for the rest of it to unravel: being thrust aside as he snapped the chain around her neck. Inuyasha ordering her to never return to the Warring Era. Betrayal transmuting into fury as he shoved her into the well. Panic rising in her throat as she'd realized the passage through time was sealed against her. 

But none of it happened. 

He kept holding her. 

She tried to pull back, confused--_it didn't happen this way, I know it didn't_-- but his arms tightened around her, and one clawed hand slid up the back of her neck to run gently, soothingly through her hair. His hair, white silk, brushed against her face. His haori was crimson velvet beneath her hands. He was warm, warmer than a human, almost warmer than the sun shining down on them, and she wanted to curl up against him and never move again. 

_This didn't happen.... Why am I dreaming this?_

_I don't care.... _

She slid her hands around him and held on, stroking his back, feeling his trembling subside. _I don't want to wake up...._

He was murmuring something now, his voice low and hoarse. She turned her head lazily, listening. 

"I love you, Kagome..." 

***

Kagome jerked awake and stared up at the rough-hewn ceiling of Kaede's hut. _What was that?_ She pressed a hand to her chest, feeling her heart race. _I've never dreamed like that.... I've dreamed about Inuyasha, but not like that! Thank God Shippo picked tonight to sleep with Kirara. I think I avoided waking anybody else up._

"Kagome?" Inuyasha's voice. 

_Of course. The only person who _doesn't_ sleep through me waking up is the only person I wish _would_ sleep through it. How am I going to explain this?_ She rolled over slowly. 

His eyes glowed at her in the dim light of the firepit. "Are you okay?" 

Kagome swallowed again. _I know he's just speaking quietly because he's trying not to wake the others, but does he have to sound like he did in my dream?_ "I'm fine. I had a really odd dream, that's all." 

He frowned, setting the Tetsusaiga aside. Kagome swore to herself as he crouched next to her, looking concerned under his usual mask of annoyance. "Keh. If you're so fine, why are you shaking like that?" 

"I'm a little cold, I guess." _Please, stop looking at me like you're actually worried...._

He snorted again. "Next time, idiot, take the extra blanket when Kaede offers it to you." Kagome opened her mouth to snap back at him, but he was already stripping off his haori. "Here. No point in you getting sick." He dropped it on top of her. 

"Thanks," she whispered. He shrugged and returned to his spot by the door, cradling the sword against his shoulder. Kagome watched him through her lashes until she was sure he was asleep again, and then blew out a breath. She reached out to push the haori aside, but was swamped with sensory memories the moment her fingers brushed it. 

_Scarlet plush draped over warm, hard muscles.... _

Kagome jerked her hand back. _Now I'm never going to get back to sleep._ She rolled over, turning her back--_no need to make it worse by _looking_ at him_--and stared at the wall, prepared to lie awake until morning. 

And yet, even as she willed herself to lie watchful, guarding against sleep, a treacherous corner of her heart yearned to return to the dream. 


	2. Our Adolescent War

Chapter One: Our Adolescent War 

Debts of eternal gratitude to Merith for the betaing and Niamh for the NERT. 

Chapter title is from "Ghost," by the Indigo Girls. Chapter epigraph is from "Silver Springs," by Fleetwood Mac. 

Disclaimer: Have never owned it, never will. If I made money off it, I would be so very confused. 

*** 

_Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me_

*** 

The sun filtered down through the cracks between the boards of Kaede's hut. Kagome's eyelids fluttered as her consciousness seeped back like groundwater. I guess I fell asleep again. She pushed several stray strands of hair out of her face. _Did I really dream all that last night?_ She sat up, looking for Inuyasha's haori. It was no longer tangled with the covers, if it had even been there at all. 

_I dreamed...._ She flushed and shoved the covers aside. _I can't believe it. Why am I dreaming about him like that?_ Kagome dug through her pack and found her hairbrush, yanking it hard through her sleep-tangled hair, hoping the pain would clear her head. _I know what he wants, and it's not me._

_Inuyasha's eyes looking down at me with warmth and affection.... _

Kagome's heart twisted within her. _But, oh, I wish it were._

_Stop it, Kagome._ She set the brush down. _He's already chosen Kikyo. He loved her first._

_Inuyasha holding me like he loves me, like I'm not just that girl who sits him all the time.... _

_No! I'm not going to cry! _

Kagome pulled a fresh change of clothes out of her pack and began to pull them on with angry movements. _There's no point in this. I know he loves her. There's no point in dreaming about something I can't have._

_Is there?_ She stopped, jeans pulled halfway up. _What... what's so wrong about dreaming about Inuyasha sometimes? If sometimes I dreamed that he loved me, just a little?_ She shivered as the images rushed through her mind: being held, cared for, loved.... 

Lied to. 

"It wouldn't be fair," she said quietly to the silent hut. "He's my friend. Whatever else happens, I can't use him like that. It wouldn't be right." She finished putting on her jeans and began to tidy away the sleeping mat. 

"Kagome?" Shippo poked his head into the room. "You're finally up!" 

"Morning, Shippo," Kagome said over her shoulder. "Here, help me stash this." 

Shippo bounded across the room and began struggling with the heavy cover. "It's not morning, Kagome. It's afternoon," he informed her. "Ack!" The coverlet managed to wind itself around the kitsune and he began thrashing underneath it. 

"It's afternoon?" 

"Yeah," Shippo said. "Inuyasha's been hiding in the woods all morning." 

"That mad, huh?" 

The lump under the cover shrugged, as it said in a muffled voice. "You know how he gets." 

Kagome plucked the cover off Shippo and began to fold it absently. _Guess he got over worrying about me pretty quickly. Oh well._ "I guess I'll have to apologize." 

Shippo snorted, sounding like Inuyasha for a moment. "He's just being an asshole." 

Kagome bit her lip as she stacked the cover on top of the mat. _It was nice to not be at odds with him for a little while, even if it was only a dream. So much for that._ She swung her pack onto her back, glancing around the hut to make sure she had everything. 

Shippo beamed up at her. "Are we ready to go?" he asked, holding his arms up. 

She smiled at him and picked him up. "I'm ready." The sunlight bored into her eyes and made her yelp as she emerged from the hut. 

"Kagome-sama!" Miroku straightened up from Kaede's herb bed and waved. 

"I'm really sorry to have kept you all waiting. I can't believe I slept in this late." 

"It's no problem." He dusted his hands off on his robes. "I was helping Kaede-sama with some minor chores while we waited for you. Sango's with her, learning to sew. Inuyasha is..." he hesitated. 

"Sulking," piped Shippo. 

"In the woods," Miroku said. "If you'll fetch him, we can be on our way." 

Kagome winced. "I'd really rather not." 

Miroku looked surprised, but somehow refrained from commenting. "Very well. I'll get him. Let Sango know you're up, hmmm?" He picked up his staff and walked off towards the woods. 

_Kagome, you coward._ Ignoring the curious look Shippo was giving her, Kagome wandered around to the back of the hut. She hid a smile when she saw Sango frowning down at a child's kimono while Kaede stitched a tear in what looked like Miroku's spare robes. 

"I just don't think I can do this, Kaede-sama," Sango said doubtfully. "I can forge weapons and fix armor, but sewing..." 

"I'm surprised you never had to learn to sew," Kaede said. "Even the swiftest taiji-ya must occasionally tear their clothing." 

"There were several women in the village who were quite good, and Kohaku had a knack for it as well, so I never had to learn." 

Kaede shook her head. "What a strange family." 

Sango sighed and picked up the robe with a scowl of concentration. Kagome called out, "Good afternoon, Sango, Kaede-baachan!" 

"Good afternoon, Kagome," Kaede said peaceably. "It's good to see you awake." 

Kagome dropped her pack and flopped down on the porch next to Sango. Shippo slipped down to her lap, peering curiously at Sango's work. "It's so weird that I slept like that. I wasn't even that tired last night." 

"It didn't seem that odd to me," Shippo said. 

"Sometimes one just sleeps hard," said Sango absently. "Ouch!" She stuck a finger in her mouth. "I don't think I'm going to improve this kimono by bleeding all over it." 

Kagome grinned and took the mending away from her. "Let me see. I got a pretty good grade on this in school. Could you move, Shippo?" Sango had attempted to sew a large hole together, making the cloth pucker. Kagome found the scissors and snipped through the seam. Shippo climbed up on Sango's shoulder for a better view. 

Sango shook her head. "They really do make you learn everything, don't they?" 

"Yeah. See, here it's worn through, not torn, so you'd be better off patching." 

Sango peered at the fabric. "Oh, I see. If it were more of a slash, then I could sew it up." 

"Right. See if you can find something pretty to patch it with in the rag bag." 

"That kimono's for Shizuko's oldest son," Kaede said. "Not too pretty." 

Sango laughed and dug into the bag, making Shippo help her choose between some of the brightly colored scraps. Kagome found herself soothed by the simple task of shaping a patch, and had almost forgotten about her lingering unease when a shadow fell across her. 

"'Bout fucking time you woke up." 

Kagome jumped, stabbing her finger with the needle. "Don't do that!" She licked the blood off her finger and blotted it on the hem of her shirt. 

Inuyasha folded his arms over his chest and glared at her. "You shouldn't have sent Miroku after me." 

Kagome tried to ignore her fluttering pulse. _This isn't fair. He shows up yelling at me and all I can think about is that damn dream!_ "Why does it matter who I send after you? Anyway, you're here, so we can go now, right?" 

Inuyasha rolled his eyes, leaning against one of the posts. "Right, whatever. Unless you think you need another nap. All that sleepin' probably wore you out." 

"Hey!" Shippo started, only to have Sango's hand clamp over his mouth. 

"Don't, okay?" she whispered to the kitsune. "They were going to have this argument anyway." 

"He's so unfair," Shippo grumbled beneath her hand. 

_I am not admiring his silhouette against the sunlight, and I'm really not wondering if his haori is as soft as it felt last night._ Kagome tore her eyes away from Inuyasha and stared down at the sewing in her lap. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what happened." 

For a second Inuyasha's expression softened, but he buried it behind a flippant shrug. "Fine. Let's go. But I don't wanna hear anything about how you're tired later." 

Feeling any lingering attraction drown under a swamping wave of familiar frustration, Kagome started stuffing the scattered scraps back into the rag bag. She tried to keep absolutely silent to avoid giving Inuyasha fresh ammunition. She'd almost succeeded wrestling her temper down when a small "hmph" escaped through her teeth. 

Inuyasha was on it like a hawk seizing its prey. "Hey, you're the one makin' us late." 

_Damn hanyou hearing._ Kagome leapt to her feet, gripping the barely repaired kimono tightly. "I didn't mean to!" Inuyasha shrugged again and turned away nonchalantly. Kagome twisted the cloth until she heard a seam rip. 

"So, are we gonna go, or are you too busy with your little girly sewing project?" 

_I am not going to give him the satisfaction of a sit._ Kagome dumped the freshly torn kimono over Inuyasha's head. Sango cleared her throat and stood up. "I'll get houshi-sama. Come on, Shippo." 

"But...." 

"Now, Shippo." 

Inuyasha yanked the kimono off his head and tossed it to Kaede. "Good." 

"Great," Kagome mumbled. 

"Fine." 

Sango heaved a sigh and picked Shippo up. "Try to be ready by the time we get back, okay?" 

Kagome tried to make sure all the sewing things were picked up neatly while ignoring the golden eyes boring into her. Finally she dropped the rag bag and snapped, "I can't believe you! I sleep in one time and you're yelling at me!" 

"You slept practically the whole day away!" Inuyasha snarled back. "That's not just 'sleeping in'!" 

"Why didn't you wake me up? Or were you just looking for a reason to yell at me?" 

"We tried to. Besides, I don't need to look for reasons to yell at you." 

Kagome felt her jaw drop. _Why am I wasting good dream time on this selfish, brainless, boorish...._ "I was being sarcastic! I don't believe you! You can't have that many reasons to yell at me." 

"Well I sure yell at you plenty, don't I?" Inuyasha said. "So I gotta have reasons." 

"You have reasons?" Kagome said. 

"I always got reasons." 

"Yeah, right." 

"Well, I don't yell at you for no reason, that's for sure." 

Kagome was still speechless from the sheer untruth of this last remark when she heard the jingling thump of Miroku's staff come around the corner. Miroku turned to Sango as he got a good look at the couple on the porch. "They're fighting already? This has to be some kind of record." 

"Actually," Shippo chirped, "it seems pretty normal to me." 

Sango shrugged as Kirara transformed into her larger cat form. "I assume, Kagome, that you'll be riding with us today...." 

_I'm never riding on his back again, that's for sure._ Ignoring the small protest in the back of her mind at this assertion, Kagome walked over to Kirara, slinging on her pack. "Yes, please." 

"What the hell are you so cranky for, anyway?" Inuyasha yelled at her back. "Maybe you need a little more sleep!" 

_I have absolutely had it._ "You're the cranky one; maybe you should rest for a moment. Sit!" 

"It's about time you did that!" Shippo cheered. 

Miroku sighed and rubbed his forehead as Inuyasha crashed to the ground, snarling and muttering. Sango rolled her eyes and threw her leg over Kirara's back. "Now we'd really better go." 

"A head start is a good idea," Kaede remarked dryly from the shade of the porch. 

_Oh, God, I forgot she was there,_ Kagome thought guiltily. "Bye, Kaede-baachan. Sorry about all this." 

"Be careful," Kaede said. "That's all I ask." Kagome nodded and took a seat behind Sango. Shippo nestled himself on her lap, pausing only long enough to make faces at Inuyasha. 

Miroku paused next to Kirara, eying Inuyasha. "I assume you won't have any difficulty catching up?" Inuyasha managed to lift his head enough to shoot Miroku a very dirty look. Miroku shrugged and climbed on behind Kagome. "We'll see you in a bit, then." 

As the cat launched herself skyward, Kagome put her head down for a moment. _Why does he always have to make it so hard?_ A memory of amber eyes warm with something other than irritation slid through her mind, and, for a moment, a warm exhaustion cradled her body. 

*** 

_I know I could've loved you, but you wouldn't let me_


	3. A Price Beyond Rubies

Chapter Two: A Price Beyond Rubies 

This chapter is brought to you by M for Merith, who is a beta reader par excellence, and N for Niamh, who helps me keep going. Chocolate for both of you! 

I do not, in point of fact, own Inuyasha, which is probably just as well. 

Chapter title and epigraph is from "Tragedy," by Emmylou Harris. 

*** 

_I could've caused your heart to yield  
But I was only a disturbance in the field  
Of your dreams_

*** 

"So what exactly are we lookin' for?" Inuyasha asked Miroku as the monk came strolling back out of the village. 

"I'm getting mixed reports. Most of the locals insist that their guardian youkai is peaceful. But I did find a few who said that lately the woods have become dark and haunted. With that kind of change, it's entirely possible that there's a shard involved." 

"And what did you have to offer them in exchange for that information?" Sango said sourly from where she was leaning on a tree. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Miroku said artlessly, trying for his usual guiltless expression. 

Sango sauntered over to him and ran a finger down his neck, making him shiver. "Do you usually wear lip paint on your neck?" She held up her reddened fingertip. 

Miroku flushed and scrubbed at the marks with the hem of his sleeve. Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "How d'you know they didn't just tell you that stuff to keep you around?" 

"I'll have you know one of my informants was a respected elder of the village." 

"I'm sure," Sango murmured. 

"Well, it's worth investigating," Miroku said. "If it turns out to be nothing we can simply move on." 

"As long as I get to ask the questions in the next village," Sango said. 

"Hell, I don't care. Whatever it takes to find another shard." Inuyasha glanced over at Kagome. She sat quietly beneath a tree, staring into space, while both Shippo and Kirara dozed on her lap. "What d'you think, Kagome?" Kagome smiled faintly and brushed her hair back. Inuyasha frowned. "Kagome?" 

She blinked and looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry?" 

"Do you think we should check out this guardian youkai?" 

"Um, sure. That's why we're here, right?" 

He stared at her. 

Kagome squirmed. "Did I miss something?" 

"Oh, who the fuck cares? I don't fuckin' know why I even bother askin' you. It's not like you listen." Inuyasha stormed off towards the woods. "Lemme know if you decide to show up." 

Kagome looked at Sango and Miroku. "I guess I did miss something." 

"It's all right, Kagome-sama," Miroku said. "He's just being Inuyasha." Sango nodded in agreement, though a faint frown creased her brow. 

The woods glimmered with the sunlight peeking through the trees. At first it felt more like they were taking a pleasant stroll than searching for a shard. Miroku teased Sango, and Shippo chattered to Kagome about whatever popped into his head. Only Inuyasha's constant sullen presence in the branches overhead shadowed Kagome's mood. As they wound their way deeper, the atmosphere shifted. The sunlight dimmed and grew faint, the leaves now blocking the sun instead of embracing it. An eerie hush closed about them, as even the birds and insects fell silent. The very trees seemed to press in around them, as the path narrowed and the underbrush grew denser and darker. Miroku drew near to Sango, shielding her. Shippo whimpered and huddled close to Kagome. Inuyasha landed in front of the group, glaring into the woods. 

"There's somethin' rotten smelling out there. I don't like this." 

"Something's twisted these woods, that's certain. Whether it's a shard, I couldn't say." Miroku glanced back at Kagome. "What do you sense?" 

Kagome frowned, closing her eyes. "There's a shard here, somewhere, but it's not moving. It's over... there." She pointed to the most shadowed path into the heart of the forest. 

"Figures," Shippo muttered. 

"The shard may not be movin' but something is," Inuyasha muttered, drawing the Tetsusaiga. "It's comin' this way, fast." Miroku hefted his staff. Sango drew her katana, unable to use Hiraikotsu because of the closeness of the trees. Kagome nocked an arrow, glancing nervously at the path. 

"Shippo, stay with Kirara," Sango said. "We can't fly here because of the trees." Shippo nodded and cowered down into the cat youkai's ruff. 

A roar rumbled out of the undergrowth and a boar burst from the bushes of the shadowed path. It lowered its head and bugled, an odd hoarse ululation. Miroku and Sango edged sideways, flanking it. "What's it doing?" Sango asked. "I've never heard a boar make that sound." 

"Keh, that's not a youkai, that's a plain ol' boar." 

"It may not be a youkai, but that cry woke some kind of magic." Miroku's eyes widened. "Run!" 

"What?" Kagome yelled. "Why?" 

A branch lashed down, bowling Inuyasha over. Another swiped Sango to her knees. Gasping, she lashed out at it with her blade. "What the hell?" 

"The trees!" Miroku shouted. "The boar called the trees!" 

Inuyasha sprang to his feet. "I don't care what it did, it's dead." He hefted his sword and charged at the boar. It dodged his initial cut and slashed across Inuyasha's wrist with one of its tusks. Inuyasha swore. Kagome watched wide-eyed, worried about firing into the melee. Sango scrambled up and circled behind, looking for an opportunity to disable the creature. 

"It must be controlled by something; no mortal creature moves that fast," she called to Inuyasha. 

Inuyasha's reply was cut short by roots erupting from the ground and wrapping themselves around his ankles. Sango dove in and attempted to hamstring the boar, but it wheeled and sliced at her with its tusks, forcing her back as well as moving itself out of the reach of the Tetsusaiga. Miroku leapt in and smashed the boar over the head with his staff, to no effect. Inuyasha yanked at the roots, but whatever magic moved the trees made them indestructible. He dug his fingers into the fresh slash on his wrist, drenching his fingers in his own blood. "Sango! Get down!" Sango dropped and rolled aside, but more roots burst from the ground, wrapping around her waist. Miroku dashed over to her, trying to free her. Inuyasha grimaced and flung his hand out. "Hijin Ketsusou!" The blades flashed out, slicing through the boar's throat and spine. The animal collapsed, but the roots remained immovable about his feet. "Damn it!" 

"It's not dead," Miroku called back to him. "Be careful!" 

The boar shook its head and lurched to its feet, blood streaming down its hide from the gaping wounds in its neck and back. Vines whipped down from the trees, snaring Inuyasha by the wrists. 

"Inuyasha!" Kagome screamed. 

"I refuse to get fuckin' killed by a pig and a bunch of damn trees! Kagome! Can you hit that thing?" 

"I'll try." Her arrow shot towards the boar, but the vines jerked Inuyasha into the path. The arrow pierced his left arm, and he winced, grateful that she hadn't put her power behind that shot. "Inuyasha!" 

"I'm fine! But--Kagome--don't shoot anymore!" 

Miroku stood up and advanced warily on the boar. It slammed itself into him, knocking the breath out of him and trampling him beneath its hooves. Miroku lay still, just beyond Sango's reach as she stretched a hand out to him from where she lay prone. The boar nosed Miroku a couple of times and then turned back to Inuyasha. 

_No!_

A quick flicker of light outlined the boar for a moment, before swelling outward to encompass the group. The boar grunted, then slumped to the ground. Inuyasha blinked as the vines and roots binding him went slack. Sango ripped herself free and crawled over to check on Miroku. Overhead, the animated branches scraped across the barely visible shield. "What the hell?" Inuyasha said. He grimaced, yanked the arrow out of his arm, and tossed it aside. 

Sango sat back on her heels. "Whatever it is, houshi-sama's not doing it." The monk sat up slowly, wheezing. 

Inuyasha frowned. "That means...." His eyes widened and he turned around. Kagome stared back at him. She'd dropped to one knee, hand outstretched. Magic flickered between her fingers and in her eyes, lending her an unearthly quality. "What're you doing?" 

She shook her head, bewildered. "I don't know!" 

Miroku got a good look at her and gasped, then coughed. "Kagome-sama, I had no idea your powers had grown so." 

"They haven't! I don't know how to do this! I don't even know what it is!" Her brow furrowed as the shield overhead shimmered for a moment, then steadied. 

"We have to get the shard," Sango said. "Kagome, can you guide us to it while holding the spell?" 

"I might." She began to stand up, but the shield wavered so much she sank back down. "Or maybe not." 

"Shit! How're we supposed to get it?" 

Kagome closed her eyes. "I can feel it from here," she said quietly after a moment. 

Inuyasha took a step closer to her. "Kagome?" 

"It's in the tree at the heart of the wood," she said. The small sparks of her magic began to crack and spit around her, arcing to the ground. "The guardian of the forest was afraid, and angry. He wanted more power to shield his creatures." Kagome reached out with her other hand, closing it around something only she could see. "He used this." Light shimmered brilliantly around her fist, then died. Above them, the branches ceased to move of their own accord. The shield spell flickered out, followed by the glitter haloing Kagome. She sank back, rubbing her head with her free hand. 

Inuyasha dropped to his knees, laying his hands on her shoulders, resisting the urge to clamp down. "Kagome, what did you do?" 

"I got the shard," Kagome said in a small voice. "Now I have a headache." 

"What do you mean, you got the shard?" 

Kagome opened her fist. A jewel shard rocked on her palm. 

*** 

"Kagome-sama should not have been able to do what she did today," Miroku said. 

"No shit," Inuyasha said. The two men and Sango were sitting in a room of one of the nicer homes in the village. The villagers who had reported problems in the forest had been willing to accept the story about the rogue boar, and quite happy to put the group up for the night. Kagome, whose headache from the magical backlash had nearly blinded her, had gone off for a bath and a nap. Shippo had gone with her, wanting to console his adopted mother when she was in so much pain. 

Sango ignored Inuyasha. "What do you mean?" 

"Kagome-sama is, naturally, quite powerful, but she doesn't know how to use her power. That she will someday be able to do what we saw her do, I have no doubt. The surprise is not that she did it, but that she did it when she's still so untrained." 

"I don't know what you're bitchin' about," Inuyasha growled. "We got the shard, right? End of story." 

Miroku arched an eyebrow. "She suddenly manifests levels of power and ability that should be years beyond her and it doesn't concern you at all?" 

"Wench doesn't do anything normally; why should this surprise me?" 

"You're the one wearing the spell under her control," Sango said dryly. "I'd worry if I were you." 

Inuyasha stood up. "Look, I don't care how she did it or what it means. All I care about is that we got the shard and we're done here." He stomped out the door. Sango sighed and looked back at Miroku. 

"What does it mean?" 

Miroku grimaced. "I've been trying to think of how to describe it. The closest I can come is that what we saw today was the magical equivalent of a raw youth with natural swordsman's talent fighting like a seasoned veteran. It simply doesn't happen." Miroku felt Sango grow very still. "What is it?" 

"Kohaku," Sango said with difficulty. "Before his possession, he had talent, but little actual fighting experience. It was only after Naraku implanted the shard in his back that he fought like a crazed killer." 

"You think Kagome-sama might be under Naraku's control?" 

"Isn't it possible? And don't say no just because you don't want to believe it's true." 

"But Kohaku only behaves that way because he has a shard in him." 

"We don't know whether Kagome does," Sango said. "She's the only one who can see them, and if she is under his control, we obviously can't ask her." 

Miroku spun his staff between his hands, staring thoughtfully at the floor. "You may have a point," he said eventually. "My only question is, what does he gain from enhancing her power in such an unsubtle manner? He usually works through secrecy and betrayal, not blatant displays of force." 

Sango sighed. "I hadn't thought of that." Kirara crawled into her lap, mewing, and Sango stroked her idly. 

"We'll keep an eye on her just in case, Sango. He won't take us unawares." 

"Not you, maybe," Sango said waspishly. "I, for one, am no proof against his snares." 

Miroku stared at her. "You mustn't think you're a danger to us." 

"Aren't I?" 

"When we met you, he only controlled you because you were so badly wounded and upset. He had to blackmail you into stealing the Tetsusaiga. And even then, with so much at stake, you fought back. I trust you." 

She looked up at him and smiled tremulously. "Thank you." He swallowed, caught in her eyes. She stared back, breath hitching a bit. "Do... do you think we should tell Inuyasha?" she asked, her voice slightly higher-pitched than normal. 

Miroku tore his gaze away. "I don't think so. Of all of us, he's the least likely to think Lady Kagome capable of being Naraku's instrument. And it's taken him so long to trust her as much as he does. I can't bear to tell him he may have been betrayed again." 

Sango looked doubtful. "A nice sentiment, but one that we may not be able to afford." 

"Do you think you could tell him?" 

Silence lingered between the two. "No," Sango said finally. "My better judgment tells me we should, but... no." Her hands clenched in Kirara's fur. "But I've already lost so much to Naraku. I won't lose Kagome, too." 

*** 

A quiet shadow slipped through the door flap of the hut where Kagome lay sleeping. The young miko stirred briefly as a shaft of sunlight passed across her face. The shadow sighed softly and stooped, brushing his fingers against her brow. A small smile curved her mouth. 

Shippo poked his head up sleepily. "What're you doing here?" 

_Fuck, I forgot that little brat was in here._ "None of your damn business," Inuyasha muttered. 

Shippo shrugged and snuggled back down against Kagome. "I won't tell. After all, we gotta protect her, right?" 

Inuyasha blinked as the fox child dozed off again, then shook himself. He sat back against the wall, resting the Tetsusaiga against his shoulder, gazing at Kagome absently. _What the hell happened, Kagome? I saw Miroku's face: he was frightened. Really frightened._ Inuyasha took a deep breath, letting Kagome's scent soak into him. _You don't smell like there's anything wrong._

_But there are things even I can't protect you from. _

_What's happening to you, Kagome? _

*** 

_And I will never see you cry  
You won't be with me when I die  
A waste of you and me  
A tragedy_


	4. Pinprick To My Heart

Chapter Three: Pinprick To My Heart 

Who's the beta of the fic that's written all by me? 

M-E-R-I-T-H M-O-U-S-E! 

(Okay, she's not a mouse, but otherwise it doesn't scan.) 

Also lots of love to Niamh, who is going through withdrawal in Tampa. Play more Halo, honey. 

Inuyasha! Does not belong to me! But you knew that! 

Chapter title and epigraph come from "Ghost," by the Indigo Girls, which I used already. Oh well. 

*** 

_When I wake the things I dreamt about you  
last night make me blush_

*** 

Kagome opened her eyes slowly, blinking up at the brilliant blue sky. _How funny. I don't remember falling asleep outside._ She stretched her arms over her head, feeling her muscles protest at sleeping slumped against a tree. _I don't know how Inuyasha manages to sleep sitting up all the time...._ A red-and-silver flicker caught her eye. "Inuyasha?" He was sitting next to her, frowning at thin air. A memory teased at the back of Kagome's mind, but vanished when she tried to focus on it. She shrugged it off and crawled over, peering at him. "What's wrong?" 

He said nothing, turning away from her slightly. 

"Come on, talk to me." When his ears only flattened, she poked him in the side. "You know I won't go away until you talk to me." 

Inuyasha shifted and sighed. "You ran away from me." 

Kagome blinked. "I did?" 

"The other night," he said. "I was holding you, and then... you vanished." 

Kagome stared at him. Her spine prickled. "That was a dream, and I didn't tell you about it." 

"Was it?" he said softly. 

All of her blood tingled until she could feel it dancing in her veins. "I thought it was." 

Inuyasha turned, his eyes glowing like honey in sunlight. He took her hand, absently tracing little circles on the inside of her wrist with his thumb claw. Kagome swallowed hard. "How can our being together be a dream?" 

Her eyes fluttered half-shut. "You don't want me that way." 

"How do you know?" he said, even more quietly. He trapped her other wrist and began drawing her closer. 

"You don't...." 

"It's real here, Kagome. I'll never leave you. We can finally be happy." 

Tears welled in Kagome's eyes. "I can't live in a lie, and I can't pretend you feel something you don't. It's wrong." 

All the warmth in his eyes crystallized in a moment. "You don't want to be with me?" 

"No!" She turned her hands in his, weaving their fingers together. "You have no idea." 

Inuyasha leaned in close. Kagome felt the sun soak into her hair, and wanted to blame it for her light-headedness rather than how close his beseeching golden eyes were. "Maybe me not loving you is the lie. Maybe the world where we aren't together isn't real. Maybe this is how it all gets made right. No shards, no Naraku, no Kikyo, no pain. Just us." 

The tremor around Kagome's heart grew until it shook her body. _I want this. I want this. It's all I've ever wanted._

_I can't do it._ She opened her mouth to tell him so, but somewhere between the thought and the words, it twisted and came out, "How?" 

Inuyasha let go of one of her hands and reached up, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. "Just say you'll stay with me." He leaned in closer, and she could feel his warm breath brush her mouth, almost taste him on her tongue. "Tell me you want to stay with me, then seal it with a kiss." 

Kagome clenched her free hand until she felt her nails break the skin. "I can't. You know I can't. I have responsibilities. I can't leave them." 

Inuyasha's eyes clouded and he leapt to his feet. "You'd rather go back there? To where we're lonely? To where I never touch you? You can't convince me you want that, Kagome. I know you too well." 

"Stop it," Kagome said miserably, huddling in on herself. "Don't make this harder." 

He dropped to his knees in front of her, a nakedly pleading expression on his face. "One kiss," he whispered. "You don't even have to say the words. Just kiss me." 

Kagome held her hands out, warding him off. "Please...." With a mixture of near-painful relief and unbearable regret, she felt the dream begin to break up around her. Inuyasha faded slowly, his eyes burning into hers. "You can't fight me forever," he said softly. It was the last thing she heard as her eyes fluttered open. 

*** 

Kagome rolled onto her side, curling into a ball. Rain drummed on the roof of the hut, playing counterpoint to her thundering heart. _It was just a dream. It wasn't real._ Lightning flashed, bathing the hut in brilliant illumination for a second, before plunging it back into muted shades of gray. For a moment, Kagome felt disoriented, remembering the warm sensation of sun in her hair. Her palm stung. She opened her hand to see dark pink crescents carved into her skin. _I did that in my sleep. No big deal._

_Kiss me._

She closed her fist instinctively. 

"Hey, Sleepin' Fuckin' Beauty! You awake yet?" 

Kagome lay still for a moment, listening to the rain, staring at the new moons in her palm. "Yeah. I'm coming." 

*** 

_Of all my demon spirits I need you the most  
I'm in love with your ghost_


	5. Can't Break This Spell

Chapter Four: Can't Break This Spell 

Whew. I thought this was never going to get written. Backrubs and hugs for Merith, who seems to have been swamped lately, and comic books for Niamh, who needs 'em for the inspiration, but is never too busy to inspire me. :) 

The chapter title and epigraph come from "I Don't Want To Talk About It Now" by Emmylou Harris. 

*** 

_God knows how I love you  
Like a user needs a drug  
And I'll never be free again  
You are a poison in my blood_

*** 

_Kagome sighed as she felt Inuyasha's claws slide through her hair. Her eyes opened and she smiled up at him. He paused. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up." _

She yawned, stretching. "No, that's okay." 

"I thought you were going to sleep the whole time," he said, half-apologetic. 

"Why didn't you wake me?" 

Inuyasha shrugged, a small self-mocking smile touching his mouth. "I thought if you were that tired, I should probably let you sleep. Besides...." His voice trailed off and he looked away. 

Kagome watched, fascinated. Is he... blushing?_ "Besides?" she prompted. _

"You're pretty when you sleep. Not that you're not pretty all the time." His color deepened. 

Kagome sat up and turned Inuyasha's face back towards her with a gentle hand. He met her gaze almost shyly. "Hey," she said softly. "It's just me." 

Inuyasha shook his head. "It's different." He reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, fingers lingering a bit. "I want you to be happy, Kagome. All you seem to do these days is worry. " 

Kagome winced, thinking about the tension strung between her and the others since she'd plucked a jewel shard out of the air. "You shouldn't worry," she said automatically. "I'm fine." 

"Are you sure? You were so tired tonight, and there've been shadows in your eyes for days. What's wrong, Kagome?" Inuyasha picked her up and settled her in his lap. "Tell me." 

"It's nothing." Miroku doesn't trust me, Sango watches me with suspicious eyes, the other Inuyasha snarls at me whenever he bothers to speak to me...._ "Really." She rested her head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent. _

"I know you better than that,_" he said dryly, easing his claws through her hair again. "At least tell me why you're so tired. I can't help you if you won't let me." _

Kagome was silent for a long moment. "We were hunting for shards," she said at last. "We found one, but it was in the heart of a forest, and the trees attacked us, because the guardian of the forest was using the shard to protect itself. Everybody was knocked out and I was so scared. I... somehow managed to shield everybody. And then, somehow, I managed to pull the shard out of the tree. When I wasn't anywhere near the tree." Her breath hitched. "I don't know how I did it, and my head hurt so much, and everybody's been looking at me like I did something wrong." 

Inuyasha tilted her head up, looking into her eyes warmly. "But that's wonderful." 

Kagome blinked. "Wonderful? How is everybody treating me like I've got the plague wonderful?" 

He snorted. "Your powers are getting stronger, that's all. I_ think it's great." Kagome felt the cold knot of fear she'd been hiding for the past few days dissolve in her chest and she burst into tears. Inuyasha pulled her closer, rocking her gently. "Shhhh," he whispered. "I've got you. I'll always take care of you. I'm proud of you." _

She nodded and clung to his haori, feeling all the fears she'd kept hidden about Inuyasha melt away. Even if she couldn't stay with him in the dream, she could take this moment. Surely no one could begrudge her that. 

Kagome brushed her fingers across the lines in her textbook, trying to read them like Braille. She wondered absently if she'd be able to recapture the dream she'd had that morning if she went back to sleep. Her Inuyasha had been holding her, whispering reassurances she'd craved into her hair, making her feel like maybe she wasn't crazy and her powers were a wonderful thing, and then.... 

"Dammit, Kagome, wake up," she mimicked sourly. She sighed and propped her chin in her hands. I suppose there's no point brooding about it. After all, what did I expect from him? 

Okay, so maybe she'd started trying to catch little naps when they were riding on Kirara just so she could see her Inuyasha. And maybe she had been a little more irritable than necessary lately. It was just so hard to walk away from him. Her Inuyasha was everything she'd always known Inuyasha could be: kind, gentle, sweet, even considerate. And he loved her. For the first time, Inuyasha was looking at her without the spectre of Kikyo between them. Sometimes, when he held her, she couldn't remember why she was struggling to leave the dream world. She knew she had reasons, but looking into those warm golden eyes made it harder and harder to remember what they were. 

A frown furrowed Kagome's brow as she lifted a hand and tried to retrace that strange inner path she'd found so very briefly the week before. _I can't remember how to cast that shield or reach through space. I wonder why. I know I could do it again if only I could remember._ Her power sparked between her fingers, but other than that and a warning twinge in her head, nothing happened. Kagome sighed and lowered her hand. _At least I can produce sparks. That's more than I could do even last week. I wonder what else I'll be able to do?_ She rolled her eyes. _I wonder if I'll get my head bitten off every time my magic grows. Probably._ She groaned and gently banged her head against the tree trunk as the hard yellow glare of the other Inuyasha pierced her thoughts. _Why can't I get him out of my head? He doesn't love me._ She bit her lip, guiltily. _But he is my friend. _

Okay, time to think about something else. She dumped her textbook back into her pack and stood up, wincing as her neck and knees popped. _Ow. Trying to nap on Kirara hurts. And sitting under trees, even with nice soft grass, doesn't help. Wasn't there a hot spring near here? Maybe a nice bath before dinner._ She paused, remembering that since Sango had dragged the other Inuyasha off to hunt, the only person in the camp was Miroku. _Or... maybe not._ She glanced towards a tree nearby. Shippo slept peacefully, curled up on Kirara. Kagome sighed enviously. _I wish I could still sleep like that._

Kagome wandered back into the clearing where the main camp was set up. Miroku knelt over the cleared earth circle in the center, carefully piling kindling from wood he'd gathered and humming to himself. The water bottles sat nearby, damp from the fresh water he'd already fetched. Kagome swallowed. _I didn't even think about asking him if he needed help making camp. Maybe I really _have_ been distracted._ She cleared her throat, feeling almost shy. "Miroku-sama?" 

He looked up sharply, and then smiled. "Ah, Kagome-sama. I thought you were busy studying." 

"I... was," she said, brushing off the lie. "But you should've come to get me. You shouldn't have done all this by yourself." 

Miroku sat back on his heels. "It's no trouble. I took it as an opportunity to refresh my skills at meditation through work." He regarded the small pile of twigs with satisfaction. "Now if Sango and Inuyasha would get back, we could go about making dinner." He slanted her a mischievous look. "Or you could go about it, if you're determined to apologize...." 

Kagome's smile widened. "Very well." She fetched her pack and dug through it, pulling out some of the herbs she kept wrapped in paper, beginning to shred them into the little iron pot they carried to make stew. "What do you think they'll bring back?" 

Miroku shrugged. "Sango seemed to think they'd be in pursuit of larger game since Inuyasha's been... aggravated lately." Kagome's hands stilled over the pot and he winced. "Sorry." 

Kagome gave a forced little chuckle. "No, that's all right. When isn't he aggravated?" She turned her head to the side, frowning. 

"Kagome-sama," Miroku began, then stopped, seeing her arrested expression. "What is it?" 

"Jewel shards," she breathed, standing up. "More than one. Coming this way, fast." 

Miroku swore heartily and scrambled for his staff. "Which direction?" Kagome frowned in concentration and pointed off to the northwest. She picked up her bow and arrows and stood behind him, nocking an arrow loosely. 

"I'm ready," she said quietly. Miroku nodded, fingering the beads around his right wrist. A small breeze began to blow, picking up speed steadily until Kagome's hair whipped around her face. A whirlwind coalesced outside of the camp, then collapsed inward to reveal an exhausted, disheveled Kouga. Kagome blinked in surprise, letting her bow string slacken. "Kouga?" She stepped out from behind Miroku, ready to go to the wolf prince's aid, but Miroku's staff snapped down to bar her path. "Miroku-sama, what do you think--" 

"What do you want, Kouga?" Miroku said quietly. 

Kouga straightened, eyeing Miroku with distaste. "I came to speak with Kagome, not that it's any of your business." 

"On the contrary," Miroku said, "it is my business." 

Kouga looked past the priest to Kagome. "I need your help." His voice was even hoarser than usual, and his top knot was askew, pieces of hair falling down around his face. 

"What's wrong?" Kagome asked. "You look awful." 

"Heh. I've spent a few days trying to locate you. My pack--" 

Kagome's eyes widened, remembering blood and corpses strewn across a field. "Are they all right?" 

Kouga nodded. "It's... the cubs." He coughed, and Kagome went to fetch him a drink of water. "Our bitches haven't been littering well, and the cubs haven't been strong to begin with. But this last litter... They've come down with a fever of some sort, and we haven't been able to do anything. Usually they bounce back from this sort of thing, but they just keep getting weaker." His voice trailed off. Kagome handed him a ladle full of water. 

"I want to help," she said doubtfully. "But I don't know much about treating children and I know even _less_ about treating wolves." 

"They're all in human form," Kouga said reassuringly, "and whatever you can think of to try, we'd be grateful for." He looked down at the ground. "There's no one else who will help us. We don't have a healer, and no other human would help youkai." 

Kagome nodded, touching him on the arm. "Of course I'll help." 

He smiled at her. "Thank you." 

Miroku cleared his throat. "Kagome-sama, might I speak with you for a moment?" 

Kagome folded her arms. "They need my help, Miroku-sama. I'm going no matter what you say." 

"I understand that," he said patiently, "but I think you're being rash. You haven't considered the possibilities of the situation. It could be a trap." 

Kouga growled. "I don't _need_ to trap women, bouzo. Not like that damn dog." 

"I didn't mean to imply _you_ were the one setting the trap," Miroku said, still looking at Kagome. 

She frowned. "You think Naraku could be involved in this?" 

"I'm asking you to think about the idea." 

"Priest," Kouga said. "I swear to you on the lives of my pack that I am not Naraku's tool in this. Nor would I allow myself to be." 

Miroku nodded, then touched Kagome's arm. "Come with me for a moment." He walked outside of the ring of the camp, then lowered his voice. "Kagome-sama, please wait until Inuyasha and Sango have returned." 

She shook her head. "He already lost a few days looking for me." 

"But--" 

"I have to help him. He's my friend." 

"He kidnapped you once." 

Kagome gritted her teeth. "Aren't you guys ever going to get over that?" 

Miroku sighed. "I'm not sure if they can protect you, either. At least let me come with you." 

"They barely tolerate my presence. I'll be fine. Kouga won't let anything happen to me." 

"I just don't think you're being wise about this." 

She felt her temper flare, and ill-advised words spilled from her tongue. "They need my help, Miroku-sama. If they lose these cubs, it could be the end of his pack. The end of his family line. You understand what that means." Miroku's face drained of color. Kagome bit her lip, immediately regretting the words. "I... I'm sorry." 

He shook his head. "Very well." Miroku stepped back. "What do you want me to tell Inuyasha?" 

Kagome shrugged. "He's not going to like it, whatever you tell him." She walked over to the fire and picked up her pack. 

Miroku raised his voice. "You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss his concerns. He's been genuinely worried about you." 

Kagome stood next to Kouga. "I'll see you back in the village, okay? I'll be fine." 

Miroku sighed and watched as the whirlwind swept her up. He knelt down next to the scattered fire and began to rebuild it slowly, thinking about what to tell Inuyasha when he returned. 

***

Inuyasha scowled at the corpse of the deer he and Sango had run down. For a brief moment, in the thrill of the hunt, his frustration with Kagome had burned away, but now it swamped him full-force. More, he felt a twinge of guilt for taking it out on the animal. It tasted too much like something his youkai self would have done. _Except then I wouldn't have stopped at deer._ He swallowed, looking down at the taiji-ya, who was carefully separating the heart and liver from the offal she'd removed from the body. _She'd tell me what was wrong, wouldn't she?_ "Has she said anything to you?" he blurted. 

Sango looked up, startled. Inuyasha had been almost entirely silent since they'd entered the forest, scowling into the trees. She'd finally flushed the deer just to give him something to take his frustration out on, and had been surprised by the ferocity with which he'd dispatched it. For a brief, craven moment, she'd been relieved that the Tetsusaiga sealed away his youkai blood; tangling with a furious youkai Inuyasha was _not_ the way she wanted to meet her end. But, as she studied him carefully, she noted the traces of desperation around his mouth and eyes. _It's hard to remember how much he feels things. I think Kagome is the only one who realizes how much...._ "No." 

He gritted his teeth. "Has she really not said anything to you, or are you saying that because she told you not to?" 

Sango sat back on her heels. "What are you talking about?" 

Inuyasha growled. "Miroku says that's one of the human girl things. You tell each other not to tell people things." 

"Okay, first, _never_ rely on Houshi-sama to explain human women to you. You'd be better off asking Shippo. Second, Kagome hasn't said anything to me." Sango wrapped the heart and liver carefully in a bloodstained piece of linen and set it aside. Kirara was partial to venison heart, and Shippo was perversely fond of liver. "If she said one word to me about what was wrong with her, I'd tell you." 

Inuyasha dropped down next to her, wanting to see as well as smell her sincerity. "You sure?" 

Sango leaned forward, grasping his blood-stained hands with hers. "I swear." 

His ears flattened back. "Even if she made you promise not to?" 

"At this point, I think relieving everybody's minds outweighs breaking a promise." She squeezed his hands gently. 

Inuyasha blew out a breath, fluttering his bangs. "I was beginnin' to think I was fuckin' crazy." 

Sango shook her head. "Houshi-sama and I have been wondering what's wrong with her." She hesitated, wondering how much of their concerns to share. "Do you... do you think it's possible she's being controlled?" 

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed. "Controlled?" 

Sango sighed. "Like I was." 

"No," he said flatly. 

"Inuyasha--" 

"I'd know, Sango." He pulled his hands out of hers and stood up. "He can't fool me like that again." _Not with Kagome._

Sango decided it was probably best not to pursue the argument. She merely nodded and began to dig a small hole to bury the offal in. "We'd better get back to camp." 

Inuyasha hefted the deer carcass across his shoulders, mood dark enough that in some shadowed corner of his mind, he relished the smell of the blood trickling down over his haori and hair. "Yeah." Sango picked up the linen bundle and jogged after him as he ran back towards the camp. He skidded to a halt several yards away from the camp, growling. "Kouga." 

"What?" Sango managed, trying not to wheeze. 

"Kouga. I can smell him." He sped towards the camp, growling low in his throat. Miroku straightened as Inuyasha burst into the clearing. "Where is he?" 

Miroku shook his head. "You missed him." 

Inuyasha's growl increased in volume. "Where's Kagome?" Miroku didn't answer for a moment, and Inuyasha flung the deer to the ground, stepping forward. _"Where is she?"_

"She left with him." Miroku gritted his teeth as Inuyasha seized him by the shoulders. 

"You let her go?" 

Miroku didn't struggle against the claws digging into his skin through his robes. "She was determined. You, of all people, should realize how difficult she is to persuade when she has her mind set upon something." _After all, it's a trait the two of you share in abundance._ Inuyasha nodded, turning Miroku loose. He took a deep breath, scenting the air, and walked towards where the scent was strongest. "I assume you're not interested in our help," Miroku said dryly. 

"I'll meet you back in the village," Inuyasha said. 

"Be careful. It might be a trap." 

Inuyasha glanced over his shoulder, and Miroku wasn't sure the hanyou's eyes weren't gleaming red, despite the sword at his side. "It won't matter." He vanished into the trees, and Miroku sighed. 

"I hope he'll be okay," Sango said quietly from behind him. 

Miroku nodded. "Do you want to stay here for the evening or go back to the village?" 

"I'd prefer to follow him and make sure he doesn't try to take out Kouga and his entire pack." 

"Kagome-sama won't let him. Kouga came to ask for her help; she's still enough like herself that she agreed immediately." He glanced back at Sango. "They'll be all right." 

She plucked at her bloodstained clothes. "Well... if we're not going to follow, we might as well stay here. I really need to clean up." 

"I'd be happy to help you with that." 

Sango walked over to where she'd left Hiraikotsu propped. "No thanks. I think I can manage on my own." 

Shippo wandered out of the trees, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Hey guys. When's dinner?" He paused, looking around, frowning. "Where's Kagome?" 

Miroku prodded the deer with his sandal. "She went with Kouga." 

"She _what_? And she didn't take me?" 

Sango picked up Hiraikotsu and walked towards the spring. "I'll be back in an hour or so." 

Miroku sighed, looking around for a knife while Shippo ranted. _I should've made Kouga take me with him too._

*** 

_You're my obsession  
And the reason that I live  
You've already got my soul  
There's nothing left to give_


	6. The Knot Is Slipping

Chapter Five: The Knot Is Slipping 

This one's for Merith, who is apparently trapped between Scylla and Charybdis, and for Niamh, who knows what that means. ;) Oh, yeah, the fact that Kouga isn't characterized very well is my fault. Sorry. 

Chapter title and epigraph is from "Love Is Blindness" by U2. 

*** 

_Love is blindness  
I don't want to see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me_

*** 

The sun had just fully risen over the horizon when Kouga set Kagome down gently near the cave entrance. "This is where our sick packmates come to recover." It was a small, dismal cave several hundred yards away from the main pack complex. The only thing recommending it was the small freshwater stream running past. _At least I won't have to haul water,_ Kagome thought. Brushing at her hair, hopelessly tangled into elf-locks from the whirlwind, she ducked into the cave. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she saw that this cave had been left basically untouched. Smelling of sickness and damp, none of the few amenities that had been put into the other caves were here. Only a few furs piled in the center of the room hinted at this cave's use. A small pathetic pile of huddled forms lay atop these. 

Kouga knelt next to the pile, stroking the hair of the child who was on top of the heap. "It's all right, Kagome. You smell enough like pack now that you won't disturb them." She knelt next to him, feeling the heat radiating off the children. He shook his head, looking sorrowful. "They're no better today." 

"Do they have names?" Kagome said quietly, reaching down to pet the child. His hair was kitten-soft underneath her fingers. 

"Not yet. We wait until they're fully grown to give them real names." 

"Then how do you call them?" 

Kouga looked blank for a moment before leaning down to the child and yipping softly in a quick pattern. The child stirred in response. 

Kagome chuckled softly. "I can't do that." 

Kouga smiled almost shyly. "It's all right. This one on top is the eldest male. There are seven of them. Five males and two females. If you can't save them all, try to save the females. We need them more." 

"I understand," Kagome said, hearing the anguish underneath the matter-of-fact tone. She touched his hand gently. "I'll try to save as many as I can. I promise." 

He nodded. "You don't know what it means to me. That you came." His eyes glowed electric-blue in the shadows. 

"It doesn't mean what you're hoping it means," she said as gently as she could manage through a wave of frustration. _Why won't he understand? How many times do I have to say no?_ "You're my friend, Kouga. I know what the cubs mean to you." 

His jaw set and she almost groaned. "It's traditionally the pack leader's mate who takes care of the cubs." Kouga turned his hand to grasp hers. "Kagome--" 

Kagome withdrew her hand. "That's not why I'm doing this." 

His eyes shuttered. Kagome could almost see him retreat back into the familiar role of brash pack leader. _I'm sorry, Kouga. But I don't belong with you._ Kouga stood up, moving back towards the cave entrance. "What do you need from me?" he said brusquely. 

Relieved beyond words to return to the safe topic of sickness, Kagome looked around the cave. "Well... firewood. And a lantern. And something to make tea in." She frowned, dimly remembering an old nature special on wolves and their cubs. "Um... how do you normally feed the cubs?" 

Kouga grinned. "We eat stew when we're human-shaped. Don't worry." 

Kagome sighed in relief. "Okay. I might need to go out for herbs later, too." 

"I'll take you." She glanced up at the apologetic note in his voice. "I'm sorry, Kagome, but I can't let you near the rest of the pack. I'm worried about this spreading." 

Kagome stared at him. "I'm doing this alone? By myself? Kouga, I can't work miracles. I'm not a doc-- a trained healer. I kill my goldfish." 

Kouga frowned, obviously wondering what a goldfish was. "Kagome, you saved my life when I was being poisoned by Naraku's miasma. I know you take care of that... hanyou. I'm just asking you to try." 

She swallowed. "But--" 

"Please. If they die, at least someone will have tried to save them." He looked down at the cubs, his face strained. "Someone who gave a damn." 

"I'll try," she said after a long silence. "But I hope your pack is as understanding as you are." 

He scuffed the ground with his foot. "They don't know you're here." 

Kagome felt her jaw drop. 

He shrugged. "Some of them think that we're fated for death. That Kagura's slaughter was a sign to join our warriors in the afterlife. They think the cubs being sick is another sign, that our pack is meant to die out." 

"You're defying your own pack," she whispered. "Oh, Kouga, if they find out...." 

"I don't give a damn what happens to me," he said. "As long as we have a chance." He paused, silhouetted against the light. "I'll be back around midday." 

Kagome nodded, thankful his vision was sharp enough to see her in the dim light. She didn't think her dry throat would let her speak. She sagged back on her heels, staring at the small forms curled together. The oldest boy whimpered, stirring atop his littermates before subsiding. There was so much riding on these cubs. And now, there was so much riding on her. 

_I can't do it,_ she thought. _I can't. There's no possible way I can do what he's asking. I don't know anything. Some wound treatments, maybe, that I learned from Kaede, and stuff I have in my pack, but not sickness, not youkai sickness. I can't possibly do this._ She swallowed, fighting against the urge to curl up by the too-warm children and slip into the dream world. _My Inuyasha would understand. There are some things that I can't do. He'd forgive me. And maybe I could stay there and I'd never have to come out again and people would stop asking me to do impossible things--_ Kagome drew her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth. _Somebody, help me. I can't do this._

Slowly, like a clear spring rising in a pool of filthy water, she became aware of a calmness spreading in her mind. Borne on the calm was a familiar question she'd never heard before. 

_What is the first rule of the sickroom?_ A gruff voice; an older woman's voice. But not Kaede's. 

"I don't know," Kagome whispered. "I don't know anything." 

The serenity spread further, pushing the panic away. _What is the first rule of the sickroom?_

"I don't--" she stopped, frowning. She did know. It was there, drifting at the edge of her mind. "The first rule of the sickroom... is 'No strong emotions.'" As she said the words, she automatically drew in a deep breath and let it out, letting the terror dissipate with the breath. "Anger, fear, sorrow: all these things have no place in a healer's mind." She looked down at the cubs. "But what do I do for them?" Dimly, she wondered at the trust she felt for this voice. 

_Name three basic fever remedies._

Kagome closed her eyes, letting the answer flow to her as the calmness finished pushing aside the last of her panic attack. "Three basic fever remedies... cold baths, poplar bud tea, and white willow bark. But the last one... I looked that up once. That's just aspirin. I have it in my pack." 

_You know what to do. Now do it._

She nodded and pulled her pack to her, digging through it for her swimsuit. 

*** 

Inuyasha paused on one of the ledges jutting from the mountain ridge. He could still smell Kagome's scent mingled with Kouga's, and it sawed at his already frayed nerves. _What the fuck was she thinkin'? He shows up and she runs off with him? Is that what she's been wantin' all this time? Is that why she's been wakin' up all flushed and--_ He clamped down hard on that thought, choosing instead to turn his mind to how, exactly, he was going to disembowel the wolf prince. _Just fuckin' shows up and walks off with her, and Miroku just stands there and lets him...._

A few more jumps brought him to the top of the ridge, where a stream spilled down in a burst of spray. Kagome's scent was born on the wind now, and it was unmixed with Kouga's. Inuyasha shoved the relief he felt deep into the back of his mind. _If he's not with her, what the hell is she doin' here? He brought her out to the middle of fuckin' nowhere and left her? Some prince._

The terrain here was rocky; boulders jutted from the ground, and tough little scrub bushes fought the poor soil and each other for survival. But it was cover, which meant that with any luck, he could keep the wolf pack from noticing his arrival. His mood was sufficiently black that he didn't mind contemplating slaughtering the rest of the pack he'd once been accused of murdering, but.... _She'd sit me right off the edge of the fuckin' cliff, and I could really do without a headache._ He frowned as the breeze renewed her scent on the air. Mingled with the normal sweetness was a faint but definite sour tang of sickness. _She's sick? She didn't smell sick when she left._ He sped up, scowling. _If he left her out here when she's sick, I'll break both his fuckin' arms and dump him off the cliff myself._

Rounding a bend in the stream, Inuyasha swore and ducked back behind a bush. Kagome stood in the middle of the stream almost directly across from him, singing softly to herself. He frowned through the branches at her. _Okay, she's crazy about bein' clean, but not even Kagome would go this far for a bath._ His ears flattened as he recognized the song. She'd sung it to Shippo some nights when the kit was feeling particularly whiny, even though none of them understood what the words meant. _She said her mom sang it to her when she was sick. So what--_

Kagome lifted something out of the water, cradling it to her chest. Inuyasha blinked to see a small wolf youkai child huddling against her. It whined softly, and she smiled down at it tenderly, wiping some water off its face. She ducked into a small cave, re-emerging moments later with a different child. Inuyasha's eyes cleared as he caught the sick smell renewed on the breeze. _It ain't her that's sick, it's these pups. He brought her for the pups._ Kagome paused by the stream, and Inuyasha saw her take a deep breath before wading in again. She lowered the child into the water and began to sing once more, gently washing the child's face and arms. 

He swallowed as he got a better look at her. She wore some tight garment which covered only her torso, and it clung to that like it had been painted on. Dimly he remembered that she wore it when she wanted to splash in a stream without actually getting undressed. _Damned if I know what the difference is._ Inuyasha shifted uncomfortably, scowling harder. _If Kouga sees her in that thing, I'm _really_ gonna kill him._ Water dampened the ends of Kagome's hair so it clung to her bare throat and arms. She murmured something to the pup and stooped to submerge it in the water. Inuyasha's mouth went dry. _It's a damn good thing that water's cold,_ he thought grimly. _I think I'm gonna need it._ Kagome emerged, shaking her hair back. More water ran down her throat, down between her breasts, down.... Inuyasha jerked back and crouched low, gritting his teeth. _Not now, damn it!_

By the time he'd managed to convince himself he was not going to charge across the stream and find out exactly how she got into -- and out of -- that costume, Kagome had gone into the cave once more and re-emerged, wearing a baggy shirt with long sleeves. Inuyasha sighed, telling himself he was relieved, not disappointed. She rubbed at her hair with a towel, shivering. He frowned. Her mouth was dark, almost bruised-looking, and although her skin flushed pink as the sun warmed her, she was still shaking hard enough that even mortal eyes could have seen it from across the stream. Kagome sat down by the stream, wrapping the towel around her legs, and tilted her face up to the sun. She looked exhausted, the sun picking out the circles under her eyes. Inuyasha snarled under his breath. _She's out here, alone, tired, takin' care of his pack's pups, and he's not fuckin' here? Keh. He says he wants her, but he sure don't treat her the way she deserves._

A sharp gust of wind stung his cheek and he swore mentally, scrambling to flatten himself further behind the bush. Kouga raced up to Kagome, skidding to a halt next to her. He dropped a lantern and a bundle of firewood next to her. "You want to go get those herbs?" 

Kagome sighed, heaving herself to her feet. "Yeah. Just let me go put on some pants." 

Kouga grinned. "Not necessary." 

Inuyasha tensed, prepared to leap out and smear Kouga over the rocky soil. Kagome, however, beat him to it. "Knock it off, Kouga," she said sharply. "If you can't control yourself, you'd better not help me at all." Inuyasha blinked, not sure whether he wanted to cheer the sentiment or cringe at the razor-edge in her voice. 

Kouga stared at Kagome for a long minute. "Very well," he said a little stiffly. "Let me know when you're ready." 

Kagome stalked back into the cave. Kouga scanned the surroundings automatically, and Inuyasha drew back a little farther, grateful he was downwind. While pounding Kouga's head to the consistency of paste still sounded like a good idea, Kagome's attitude made him suspect that she'd have no compunction about using the rosary to do the same to him. Kagome walked out of the cave, pack slung over her shoulder. "We can go now," she said coolly. "They're sleeping." 

"Okay." He turned, offering his back. "Climb on." 

Kagome stepped away, and Inuyasha wished he could see her expression a little more clearly. "Um.... no." 

Kouga peered at her over his shoulder, clearly puzzled. "Why not?" 

She tilted her chin up. "I don't care to." 

There was a silence. "Is that how he carries you?" Kouga said. 

Another silence. "Don't ask," Kagome said quietly. "Please. I don't want to talk about it." 

Kouga nodded and wrapped an impersonal arm about her waist. "You'll have to hold onto me a bit," he said. She nodded, putting her own arms around his waist. Inuyasha gritted his teeth -- he didn't give a damn if she did need to hold on, he didn't like it when she touched that wolf -- but managed to keep his cover. The whirlwind spiraled up around them, and they vanished into the distance. Inuyasha settled back onto his heels, frowning. He knew Kagome well enough to understand the messages she was sending Kouga. Even if she had motivations for agreeing to help the wolf other than kindness, they clearly weren't romantic ones. He shoved aside the pang of relief he felt to concentrate on the question looming in his mind. 

If it wasn't Kouga who Kagome dreamed of at night.... If it wasn't Kouga who caused Kagome to wake flushed and content... who was it? 

*** 

Kagome pushed her hair out of her eyes wearily. Dawn tinted the sky outside the pale pink of early cherry blossoms, but she couldn't appreciate the beauty of the mountain sunrise. The past day and night blurred together in her mind: endless rounds of making tea, bathing the cubs, finding out if wolf youkai were allergic to aspirin, on and on. And although the cubs had rallied a bit, their bodies responding to the respite brought by the cold water and poplar bud tea, the fevers still hadn't broken. _I don't know how much longer they can go on; don't high fevers eventually lead to brain damage or something? Even if they are youkai, they're still children, and their strength has to be running out._ She reached over, stroking the hair of one of the girl cubs. The little female whined, inclining her head into Kagome's hand. Kagome smiled tiredly. "Is it almost time to eat again, little one?" she whispered. 

That had been an interesting experience; Kouga had brought a pot of stew, but no bowls, which meant she'd ended up dipping up stew by hand and feeding the cubs from her mouth. The first two cubs had ended up with more outside than in, she was certain, but by the fifth, she'd got the hang of it. _And,_ she thought ruefully, _it probably helped them get used to me even faster._ Kagome sighed and crawled over to the pot half-buried in the ashes of the dying fire. _Mmm. More pure meat stew. No seasoning at all. It's enough to make me miss school lunch._ She wrapped her hand in the sleeve of her sweatshirt and pulled the pot out. Ten minutes and it should be cool enough for her to feed the cubs without burning her tongue. 

She sat back on her heels, feeling a wave of fatigue and dizziness swamp her. She hadn't slept since Kouga had snatched her away from camp. She craved sleep -- even a dreamless, Inuyasha-less sleep -- more than a hot bath and dry clothes. _I can't. I can't go to sleep. If I go to sleep, I won't wake up if they need me. Getting them through another day is more important than seeing my Inuyasha._ Kagome sighed. Something moved in the periphery of her gaze and she frowned, her head snapping around. "Who's there?" 

Her head spun again, but she shoved it aside, crawling back towards the cubs. For a second, she thought she'd seen small grey shapes climbing over the children. Her eyes widened as she got close enough to see in the dim light. Foul little goblins _were_ clambering over the small bodies. "Hey!" she hissed. "Get away from them!" One of them paused to sneer up at her. She snatched at it, determined to keep it from hurting the cubs. It dissolved in her grasp like mist. Kagome stopped, gaping at her hand. _What on earth?_ She reached out towards another one, and it, too, crumbled away at her touch. 

_I'm not going to wonder why this is working._ Grimly, she brushed her fingers over each gremlin. With each touch, she felt her strength ebb a little more, but she persisted until all of them were gone. She huddled next to the cubs, seeing stars dance in her vision. _I'm so tired. I barely have any energy left._ She gritted her teeth and crawled back towards the pot. She heard Kouga calling her from outside, but she couldn't find the strength to reply. _Maybe if I close my eyes for a moment, I'll be able to answer._ She curled up on the bare rock, eyes drifting shut. _I won't go to sleep, I'll just close my eyes...._

Kouga ducked into the cave. "Kagome?" He smiled, seeing her asleep. Turning to the cubs, he reached down to check the temperature of the oldest boy. The cub's forehead was cool and lightly dewed with sweat. The fever had broken. Kouga sat back on his heels, awed. "Kagome," he murmured. "You say you have no training. I wonder what you'd become if you were trained." 

"That's none of your damn business," a familiar, hated voice said from the cave entrance. 

Kouga leapt to his feet, snarling. "What are you doing here?" 

Inuyasha sneered at him. "I've been here the whole fuckin' time. Was pretty easy; I've known human pups sharper than you and your damned tribe." He crouched down by Kagome, shaking her gently. "Kagome?" Her mouth curved, but she didn't stir. 

Kouga frowned. "Is she all right?" 

Inuyasha picked Kagome up gently. "She will be after she gets over bein' worked to death," he snapped. He walked towards the cave entrance, ducking out into the morning light. 

"Where the hell do you think you're taking her?" Kouga growled, following the hanyou. 

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. _Why the hell is he pack leader? It ain't brawn, and it sure ain't brains._ "I'm takin' her home, dumbass. Your pups are better, so you don't need her anymore." 

Kouga glared at the hanyou's back. "I was going to let her stay here until she recovered." 

Inuyasha shot a searing golden glare over his shoulder. "I ain't too impressed with your pack's hospitality." 

"My _pack,_" Kouga spat, "doesn't know she's here." 

"Nice," Inuyasha said acidly. "Well, I'm takin' her back to where she don't have to hide from anybody." 

"Put her down, you bastard," Kouga said softly. "Put her down so we can finish this." 

"Suits me." Inuyasha stooped to put Kagome down on the ground, but her hands curled into his haori. 

"Inuyasha," she whispered. 

He froze. "K-kagome?" 

She said nothing further, only tightened her grip. 

Confused and shaken, Inuyasha looked up. Kouga's eyes were boring into him. "Take her home, dog-turd," the wolf prince growled. "Take her anywhere. Just--" he turned and stomped back into the cave. 

Inuyasha looked down at Kagome's still face. "We're goin' home, Kagome," he said quietly. "Just hang on." 

*** 

_Oh my heart  
Love is blindness_


	7. Resonating Light

Yay for the most painful chapter yet! Argh. Anyway. Thanks and claps for my brand-new betas, Kat and Chris, who were willing to jump in _in medias res._ Love and a soothing shoulder massage for my Beta Classic, Merith. And, as always, grovelling adoration for Niamh, whose Yash muse will someday, I hope, forgive me. 

As much as I've been able, I've used the official subtitle translations for Inuyasha's memories. Failing that, fansubs. 

Chapter title and epigraph are from "My Immortal" by Evanescence, which has been horribly, horribly overused by every shipper fandom that currently exists. I'm so sorry, but damn it, I really like the song. 

*** 

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all of my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave_

*** 

He couldn't put her down. 

Inuyasha knew it was stupid -- _she's fuckin' asleep, moron, what's she gonna do, wander off?_ -- but he couldn't bring himself to put her down. Even though it would've been just as easy to lash her wrists together with something and carry her the way he normally did, he simply couldn't bring himself to set her down, to stop feeling her hair blown against his face by the speed of their passage, to loosen her hands from her grasp on his clothing, to be unable to look down into her sleeping, smiling face as he ran.... 

_Get a fuckin' grip! Besides, I don't carry her that way anymore._ It stung, still. It had been two weeks since he'd carried her on his back. Two weeks since the morning she'd climbed onto Kirara's back between Miroku and Sango. Two weeks since she'd started sleeping so heavily. Two weeks since she'd said no more than she'd absolutely needed to around him. Two weeks since she'd touched him casually, or smiled at him, or made him smile. She hadn't even kept him company during his new moon vigil. _Gods damn it._

Instead, she spent her waking hours drifting in a dreamy semi-trance, and her nights in a sleep so deep that there had been mornings Inuyasha had been convinced she wouldn't wake up. A few times, he'd sneaked into the hut to watch her sleep and make sure she was still breathing. He glanced down at her automatically, holding his own breath until he saw her chest move slightly. Inuyasha sighed in relief, but his thoughts rolled on, unbidden. And when she did wake up, she was flushed and distant, an odd smile hovering around her mouth. It made his chest tighten to remember when she'd smiled at him like that. Only two weeks ago, but it felt like a lifetime. 

It was odd, the way the wind through his hair was so much colder without Kagome nestled against his back. 

Inuyasha paused on a high branch for a moment to try to orient himself, and she stirred in his arms, murmuring. He looked down at her and gave into a moment of weakness, sitting down to settle against the tree trunk, cradling her closer to his chest. _D'you remember, Kagome? The first time I saw you?_ It was burned into his memory: her brown eyes confused and not a little bit afraid, but quickly turning indignant. 

_My name is Kagome. Ka-go-me!_

_But I know one thing.... I don't want to die!_

_You really tried to kill me just now, didn't you?_

_I musta been really fuckin' out of it to think she was Kikyo,_ he mused, running an absent hand through her bangs. _'Course, that sealing spell did kick my ass pretty good._

_Kikyo._ Inuyasha exhaled slowly as the memory of his first love cast its shadow. _Damn it._ There was one thing about being sealed on the tree that made things a whole fuck of a lot easier: at least then he knew where he stood, or rather, hung. Granted, it was as good as death, but there was no arguing that things were simpler. Even after Kagome released him -- after it became clear that she was not Kikyo -- things were simpler. In fact, things didn't get fuckin' complicated until that damned bitch Urasue started fucking around with Kikyo's bones. 

As had become reflex, Inuyasha felt something tighten within him at the idea that Kikyo's bones had been abused in such a way. He still felt the need to protect her, after so many years: through Kikyo's hate, her complete loathing of him, her desire to drag him into hell with her, her delivery of their jewel shards into Naraku's hand. It never occurred to him that she might not need it or want it. It just... was. He cared for her, he protected her... those weren't things someone just forgot. Granted, years had passed, but not for him. For Inuyasha, the wounds were healing, but sometimes the scabs cracked and bled. The knowledge that they'd been manipulated to betray each other still tore at him. 

But as strong as the urge was to protect Kikyo -- to avenge her death and kill her killer -- he couldn't help but wonder whether Kagome would have been so fooled. Kagome, who had risked her life for his more than once. Kagome, who had clung to him, whispering his name. His name. Not Kouga's. 

_She's mine,_ growled an inner voice. _She always was._

He ignored it and leapt back to the ground to continue traveling. But even as he ran, voices chased through his memory. 

_I want to know about all those sad memories you have._

_Kagome is always beside me, now._

_Can I stay with you?_

That was, he reflected, the crazy fuckin' thing about Kagome. Kikyo had needed him. Needed him to chase away the pain and eldritch sorrow that haunted her eyes, needed him to live the life she wanted, needed him to become mortal. Human. She needed him still, to make Naraku pay for destroying the chance she'd had at being a normal woman. Needed him to make Naraku pay for her dying in pain and sorrow. And he needed to do it, so the anguish he felt for those tormented brown eyes might ease. 

Kagome's eyes held no such pain. Rather than treating him as a bulwark, as her shield and sword, she tried to protect him. She pierced right through him like one of her arrows, her small hands sifting through all those memories he preferred to keep locked away. And like the pieces of the jewel that she purified, each dark shard of memory grew lighter, less painful at her touch. As each memory grew more bearable, he felt himself being reassembled into a whole: no longer splintered among human, hanyou, youkai. 

_I need her._

Those three small words solidified something in Inuyasha. To need, rather than to be needed, to know he could depend on her, rather than be the one always depended on... it was wholly foreign to him. Foreign, but seductive. In his living memory, nobody had ever wanted all of him. Kikyo had wanted him to purge himself of his youkai blood. Sesshoumaru wanted to kill him because of his human blood. Only in the corners of his mind, where his mother's memory dwelled, did he remember that kind of acceptance. 

At least, that had been the case until he'd awoken on the tree with an arrow in his chest and looked down into a pair of strange and familiar eyes. That was the damned ironic part. Those early days of working with Kagome were some of the happiest days of his life. So naturally they had to get blown to shit. In the worst possible way. 

_Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?_

He flinched reflexively, ears flattening. The old protest rose to his lips. _I didn't! I wouldn't! I would _never.... 

There hadn't been any forgiveness in Kikyo's eyes on that awful day. No understanding. No trace of the sweet patience or calm serenity that had marked the living woman. Nothing but bone-deep fury and hatred and pain. 

A hoarse sound that wanted to be a laugh reverberated in his throat. He needed Kagome to make him whole enough to make his apology -- his penance -- to Kikyo's bones. But it hurt Kagome. He knew it. Even though she claimed to have accepted his choice, every time he came back from beating himself with Kikyo's scourge, every time he threw himself on the pyre of Kikyo's hatred, he could see the shadows gathering behind Kagome's eyes. In repenting for the one, he was breaking the other. That thought twined around others, settling into a final pattern of ugly truth. 

If he broke Kagome, he would break himself. 

*** 

Kagome felt her Inuyasha's warmth surrounding her as she slowly awakened from the deep dreamless sleep she'd plunged into. She yawned and stretched, burrowing against Inuyasha's chest, tightening her fingers on his haori. "Inuyasha. I didn't mean to go to sleep." Dimly, she wondered about the fact that they were under their tree, on another gorgeous sunny afternoon. _I guess nice weather is one of the bonuses of the dream world._

He chuckled, resettling her on his lap and tucking her head against his shoulder. "Seems to me you deserved it, eh? Savin' those cubs." 

She tilted her head up. "You're not mad? Even though I ran away? With Kouga? And I didn't tell you where I was going?" 

He arched a dark eyebrow at her. "Were you doin' somethin' I should be mad at you for?" 

Kagome sat bolt upright. "No!" Inuyasha laughed, and Kagome felt her stomach do a little flip. _Gods, he doesn't laugh nearly enough._

"Calm down," he said, still grinning. "I'm just teasin' you." 

She sighed and curled up against him again. He ran an idle hand through her hair and she pressed against it. "Staying awake for that long was almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Dark amber eyes and a low gravelly voice whispering, "Kiss me," floated through her memory. "Almost." 

"But you did it," he said quietly. 

Kagome nodded, feeling another yawn break loose. "Sorry. I guess I'm still tired." 

He leaned down and kissed her forehead, making her eyes go wide. "You can sleep if you want. I'll be right here." 

Kagome lay against him for a moment, shading her eyes so she could see him better in the brilliant afternoon light. Inuyasha glanced down quizzically. "Thought you were tired." 

"I...." She swallowed. "I love you. You know that, right?" 

Inuyasha stared at her for a moment, and then grinned. "'Course I know that." He laughed when Kagome reared up, catching her by the shoulders and kissing her forehead again. "I love it when you're pissed." 

"You are seriously weird," Kagome grumbled, snuggling against his chest. 

Inuyasha ran his claws through her hair again. "Ask me why I like you that way later." 

"Do I care?" Kagome said sleepily. 

"You'll ask me anyway," he murmured as her eyes fluttered shut. "You always do." 

*** 

Inuyasha paused again, glancing up at the sky. The sun was beginning to brush the horizon. _I should be able to make it back to the village before it sets._ He began to run again and skidded to a halt as Kagome stirred in his arms. _Is she...._ He peered down into her face. Her lashes fluttered and she stretched a bit. _Please, gods, let her be waking up._ "Kagome?" he said hesitantly, feeling his breath catch. Kagome nuzzled his shoulder and Inuyasha nearly dropped her reflexively. She smiled up at him with all the radiance he hadn't seen in two weeks. He smiled back at her shyly. "Are... you feeling better?" 

Kagome's smile faded. "Better?" She looked around, realizing belatedly that she was being carried. _We're nowhere near our tree. It's sunset. And my Inuyasha wasn't worried about me._ "Oh," she breathed. She looked back up at the Inuyasha holding her. "You're not him." 

Inuyasha felt his mouth dry and his stomach roll. Where he'd been considering numerous ways to make Kouga pay for Kagome being this tired, there was now only a curious dark chill coiling around his heart. "I'm not... who?" His stomach dropped further as Kagome flushed and looked away from him. _She looks guilty. She smells guilty._

"It's not important," she said quietly, looking around. "Where are we?" 

He cleared his throat, wishing desperately she hadn't seen him for that brief moment when his defenses were down. "We're on our way back to the village." 

Kagome nodded. "Okay." She blinked and put a hand to her head as that brief movement had made the world spin a bit. "Wow. I'm still woozy from...." She jerked upright and only Inuyasha's reflexes prevented the top of her head from colliding with his chin. "The cubs!" 

"They're gonna be fine," Inuyasha assured her. "Don't jerk around like that, okay? You're exhausted, you gotta rest." She nodded, relaxing minutely in his grasp. He began to run again, trying to think of a way to tell her how worried he'd been. "You were out almost a whole day." 

"I'm so glad they're going to be okay," she murmured. "A day? No wonder I'm dizzy." 

He nodded. "So... since they're gonna be fine.... I thought I'd take you back." 

"Thanks," she said. Inuyasha shrugged. Kagome relaxed further and began to contemplate going back to sleep, when it dawned on her. "Hey...." 

"What?" Inuyasha said. 

"How did you come to be bringing me back? You weren't there when I left. How did you know where I was?" 

"Miroku." 

Kagome groaned. "And you just had to come after me, didn't you?" She groaned again inwardly when his jaw set. 

"Yeah. So?" 

She closed her eyes. "Just tell me you didn't hurt Kouga getting me out." 

"No, Kagome, I slaughtered the rest of his pack and ripped his throat out. It was a lotta fun." 

Kagome stared at him. _He's never sounded that bitter before._ "That's... not funny." 

The sound that tore out of Inuyasha's throat might've qualified as a laugh. "I actually managed to behave, believe it or not." 

"Okay, okay. You behaved yourself. What's wrong with you?" 

Inuyasha skidded to a halt again, glaring incredulously at the woman in his arms. "Me? You worked yourself half to fuckin' death, sleep for an entire day, assume I tore Kouga to shreds gettin' you, and you think there's somethin' wrong with me?" 

Kagome took a deep breath and rubbed her forehead. Her temples were starting to ache, although whether it was from sleeping too much or Inuyasha's anger, she wasn't sure. "Sorry. I just.... You and Kouga...." 

"Yeah. Well. When you're passed out cold, I got a different set of priorities." 

She put a hand over her eyes, wishing desperately that he'd stop talking and start running so she could sneak back into the dream. 

"You were asleep for a whole damn day, Kagome. You think I got nothin' better to do than throw down with Kouga when you won't wake up?" 

"Well, excuse me for being tired," she snapped from behind her hand. "I was up for a whole day trying to save those cubs." 

"He worked you half to fuckin' death." 

"He wasn't even there!" 

"Keh. Fine. Whatever." 

Kagome groaned and banged her head against Inuyasha's arm. 

"Listen, you saved the cubs, and yeah, you were up a whole day. That don't mean...." He trailed off, as the fears of two weeks surged up his throat. _You sleep all the damn time and you don't wake up, you lie still as death and you never have before...._

"That don't mean...." she mimicked sourly. "That don't mean what? That I can sleep?" 

"Nothin'. Forget it." 

Kagome jabbed him in the chest with a nail. "No, what?" 

He looked down into her snapping eyes and bit back a curse. _You clung to me. Before you woke up. You held onto me and you whispered my name._ "I said, it's nothin'." 

She huffed and closed her eyes. "Okay. Fine." _I want to go back to sleep. I want my Inuyasha. I want to just be held for a while._

Inuyasha bit back another mental curse. _Gods damn it, how can I make her understand?_ A small craven corner of his mind whispered that he should just put her down and escape into the trees. _No, damn it, I said I'd take her home._

Kagome clenched her teeth together. _Please, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and see my Inuyasha...._ "I don't want to deal with this," she whispered. 

Being shot through the heart would hurt less. _And,_ he thought with a twinge of grim humor, _I would know._ "Okay." Very gently, he set her down on her feet, and took his hands away. She stared at him, her eyes dark and huge. 

"What?" 

"You don't want to deal with it." _You don't want to deal with me._ He turned away from her, tipping his head down so she couldn't read his eyes. 

Kagome stared at him, for once at a loss for words. _He turned away from me. He's never turned away from me when Kikyo wasn't here._ She felt something in her heart tear. _I know he's not mine, but...._

Inuyasha kept his gaze fixed on the ground. _I ain't the brightest hanyou around, but I know when I'm not fuckin' wanted. I don't know why she held onto me like that, or why she said my name. But it ain't me she wants._ "C'mon. Let's go home." Kagome nodded and took a step. But her legs were shaky from a whole day of sleep, and she wobbled, nearly falling. Inuyasha reached out reflexively and steadied her. She wrapped her hands around his arm, looking up at him with confused eyes. "What, you think I wanna see you fall?" 

Kagome shook her head. "No.... I....." She felt tears prick her eyes. _I want to go home._

Inuyasha's heart clenched. _How can she do this to me now? When I know I'm not what she wants? Don't do this, Kagome. Not now. Not this._ He sighed and turned, offering her his back. "Climb on." 

She swallowed. "I...." 

He felt his temper fray a little more. "Just climb on, Kagome. It'll get you to the village faster." 

She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his hair. Inuyasha began to run, choosing the most direct path back to the village. Kagome felt the tears break free and trickle down her face. _Why does this always hurt so much? I'm tired of it hurting. It doesn't hurt in the dream. I can't do this anymore. I just can't._

Inuyasha flinched inwardly as he smelled her tears and felt his hair dampen at his neck. _I don't know what you want, Kagome. Or who. But I know who you don't want. And I can't even find any fuckin' satisfaction in the fact that it ain't Kouga, either._ He kept running steadily until they were finally at the outskirts of the village. "We're here." He winced at the rasp of his own voice. _I ain't gonna fuckin' cry, damn it._ Kagome slid off his back, looking towards the town. He kept his own gaze turned towards the woods. "Everybody'll be glad to see you." 

Kagome swallowed against the lump in her throat. "Yeah." She took a deep shaky breath. "Thank you. For bringing me back." 

Inuyasha shrugged, taking a few steps towards the woods. "Keh. Whatever. I wasn't gonna leave you on that gods-forsaken mountain." 

She looked at his back. "'Bye," she said quietly. 

One shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. "Fine." Inuyasha vanished into the trees. 

Kagome began to walk towards Kaede's hut. Her steps gradually sped up until she was running, tears streaming down her face. She ran blindly through the village, ignoring the concerned looks and friendly greetings. Finally she approached Kaede's hut, where Miroku and Sango were sparring outside. Miroku saw her first, which distracted him enough to let Sango punch him in the stomach. He doubled over gasping, and Sango stopped, puzzled. "Houshi-sama, what's--" She glanced over her shoulder. "Kagome-chan?" 

Kagome stopped, rubbing at her eyes. "I'm sorry...." 

"Are you all right?" Miroku said with a faint wheeze. "What's the matter?" 

Kagome shook her head. "I can't-- I can't talk about it. Don't ask me. Don't ask me anything!" Her voice cracked and she bit her lip, fighting back the hysterical sobs. "I'm sorry.... I'm just really tired...." 

"Obviously," Sango soothed, putting an arm around Kagome's shoulders. "Why don't you lie down for a while and you can tell us about it later?" 

Miroku met Sango's eyes, raising his eyebrows and tipping his head towards the woods. _Let me know if I need to crack Inuyasha's skull._

She smiled back coolly. _I won't have to tell you; I'll beat you to it._ She guided the younger girl into the hut and spread out a futon for her. "Is there anything else you want?" 

Kagome shook her head. "I'm sorry.... I'm just so tired...." 

"If you're tired, then you should sleep," Sango said firmly, pushing her down onto the mat. "I'm sure you'll feel better after a good rest." 

Kagome smiled tremulously and grasped Sango's hand. "Thanks." She tugged a cover across herself and sank back onto the pillow Sango brought her, closing her eyes. 

Sango nodded and ducked out into the twilight. Miroku stood where she'd left him, gazing towards the forest. "They must've fought," he said. 

"That's obvious," she said dryly. 

"Not like they normally do," he qualified, equally dry. "Did she say anything?" 

Sango shook her head. "Just that she was tired." 

Miroku sighed. "I suppose we'll have to pry it out of them in the morning." 

"We could just let them deal with it themselves," Sango said. 

A perfect beat of silence hung between the taiji-ya and the monk before they shook their heads simultaneously. 

*** 

Kagome lifted her head. She stood on a dock that stretched out into a river. Sunset painted the sky and the water Inuyasha's colors: red and gold. _A dock? I don't remember there being a dock in the dream before._ But her confusion over the new geography abated the moment she saw Inuyasha -- her Inuyasha -- standing at the other end, looking at her with gentle, half-shy, half-eager eyes. A wave of relief swamped her, so huge she nearly sat down. He smiled and held a hand out to her, and Kagome ran towards him, tripping in her haste. Inuyasha darted forward and caught her. 

"Are you staying?" he asked hoarsely. 

Kagome nodded and tried to burrow further into his embrace. _I'm never leaving. Ever._

Inuyasha tilted her head up. "Then kiss me." 

There was no hesitation when she pulled his head down. 

*** 

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_


	8. Yesterday's Sunshine

Normally I'd say something borderline clever to thank my betas, but I can't think of anything right now. So... thanks to Chris, Kat, and Merith. Additional non-clever thank-yous to Niamh. Oh, and some Prozac. Will you please stop with the angst? You're going to put Sess in therapy. :) 

Chapter epigraph and title are from "Dreaming With Tears In My Eyes," by U2, which is a beautiful, if rare, song. 

*** 

_Why should I always be lonesome  
When sunny and blue are the skies_

*** 

Inuyasha's ears swiveled back, tracking the progress of Miroku's shakujou through the woods. Normally he appreciated the jingle because it gave him more time to get away from the nosy monk. But strangely, he couldn't bring himself to care whether Miroku found him or not. His eyes were fixed on the scar marring the smooth bark of the God Tree. He could almost feel the arrow once more piercing his chest, drilling through him into the wood. _Die, Inuyasha!_ Inuyasha rubbed the scar over his heart idly. The healing powers of his youkai blood ensured that his skin was remarkably clear considering the injuries he'd sustained over the years. But Kikyo's arrow had been different, whether because of her miko powers or because of the fifty years the wound had remained unhealed, he wasn't sure. Her arrow had gifted him with his first scar. 

"Inuyasha?" 

"What?" Inuyasha said. Miroku winced at the flatness of the tone. 

"I wanted to make sure you were all right." 

"I'm fine." Inuyasha tucked his arm back into his sleeve idly. _Y'know.... I can't figure out what's different 'bout this. Kagome and I fight all the fuckin' time. Why is this different? Why does this hurt more?_ His ears flattened momentarily as he heard Miroku sit down on the ground behind him. _Gods damn it, Miroku, go the fuck away._

"Did Kagome save the cubs?" 

Inuyasha didn't answer for a moment, remembering small cool hands smoothing medicine he didn't need and that stung like a bitch onto his wounds, remembering brown eyes that laughed and blazed in quick turn, remembering a warm soft lap that brought him the first moment of peace he'd ever had on a new moon. _She needed me. She _wanted_ me. Nobody wanted me since... since my ma died. I got used to things bein' that way, damn it. How come I ain't used to it anymore? Ever since she came here, I got used to bein' wanted. And now she don't want me. I don't know who she does want, but it ain't me._ He realized belatedly that Miroku was waiting for an answer. _What'd he say? Oh yeah._ "Yeah. She did." 

"What happened?" 

"She saved 'em. Brought 'em out to the river." He stopped, swallowing against the memory of Kagome, beautiful and exhausted, cradling the youkai pup in her arms. "And... I dunno, gave 'em herbs and stuff, made 'em eat. She healed 'em." 

Miroku almost smiled. "She's got a gift for healing." 

Inuyasha's mouth twitched. _Yeah._ "Wiped her out, though." 

"She's still asleep." 

"Well, it took a lot outta her." 

"Sango and I gathered as much when we saw her." 

_Miroku, make a point or go the _fuck_ away._ "Lemme know when she wakes up." 

"Of course." Inuyasha had almost lost himself in his brooding again when Miroku spoke again. "She was crying." 

_Damn it._

"Did Kouga hurt her?" 

_If he had, I woulda fuckin' killed him._ "No." 

"Did _you_ fight with him?" 

Inuyasha huffed. "Nah. She was out cold. I just wanted to get her back." Miroku made a soft sound of understanding and silence fell between them again. _I coulda told her. I coulda said... somethin'. Then maybe she'd understand. She always does. But... if she don't want me worryin' about her anymore...._ He felt his stomach roll and he clenched his hands, claws piercing his palms lightly. _She held onto me. She held onto me and said my name. But it didn't mean. A. Fuckin'. Thing. And I shoulda known that. Idiot._

"What happened between you and Kagome, Inuyasha?" Miroku said softly. 

Inuyasha shrugged. "She woke up. We fought. I brought her home." _It ain't her home. Damn it._

"Fighting with Kagome doesn't usually get this reaction out of you." 

"Keh. How'm I supposed to react?" _'Specially when she don't want to deal with me._

Miroku rose to his feet, brushing off his robes. "I've never seen you this quiet." 

"Maybe you just ain't around when I am." 

"Possibly. At any rate, I wanted to make sure you were all right. Kagome-sama's been acting so odd lately--" 

Inuyasha let loose a bark of laughter. _No shit._

"....Not that I have to tell you, obviously, but I can only imagine it's been hard for you." 

"You got no idea, bouzu." Inuyasha saw Miroku's sandals move into his field of vision. 

"You could tell me," Miroku said gently. 

Inuyasha raised his eyes to Miroku's slowly. Miroku blinked; he'd never seen so much emotion in Inuyasha's eyes. Or so much pain. "She don't want to 'deal with it' anymore." 

"Doesn't want to... deal with it?" Miroku repeated incredulously. "Kagome-sama?" 

Inuyasha shrugged. "It's what she said." 

Miroku sat down again slowly. "That doesn't sound like her." 

"I dunno." Inuyasha sighed. "Maybe she means shards. Maybe she means bein' here." He swallowed. "Maybe she means me." 

_"You?"_ Miroku said. "You think...." 

Inuyasha growled. "I dunno what to think. She don't talk to me, she don't even fuckin' look at me anymore. She ain't ridden on my back in fuckin' weeks; practically had to force her to get her back to the damn village. The fuck'm I supposed to think?" _She sleeps all the gods damned time, lookin' happy.... Looks at me and she's fuckin' disappointed._

"You think she no longer cares for you?" Miroku shifted his staff to his other shoulder. The concept of Kagome ceasing to care for Inuyasha seemed about as likely as Sesshoumaru marrying a human. 

"I think she'll prob'ly go back to her own time when she wakes up. After that, who knows?" Inuyasha shrugged. "Anyway, it ain't my problem." _Almost convincin'. Good job._

Miroku was shaking his head slowly. "She wouldn't leave us. Or you." 

Inuyasha shrugged again, tilting his head forward. _You weren't there. You didn't see her._ He closed his eyes. _'You're not him.'_ His stomach knotted tighter. 

Miroku sighed. "I should have said something to her sooner." 

"Who cares? She'll go home when she wakes up, and we'll get on with it." _Maybe he's in her time. Or maybe she'll come back._ Miroku's frown deepened, and Inuyasha huffed impatiently. "If she don't wanna be here, then I ain't gonna fuckin' force her to stay." 

"And if she doesn't want to be here," Miroku snapped back, "something's wrong." 

He nearly laughed. "Right, cause combin' through the gods-forsaken countryside for those fuckin' jewel shards, maybe gettin' killed by Naraku or some other fuckin' demon in the process, is a great fuckin' time." 

"None of that mattered to her before." 

Inuyasha lifted his gaze back to the pale scar on the trunk of the tree. "Well, maybe somethin' else matters to her now." _Maybe someone else does._

Miroku studied Inuyasha's averted face for several moments. "Do you think she's in love with someone?" 

Inuyasha snorted. "Never said that." 

"You didn't have to," Miroku said. 

"Keh. So what if she is?" Inuyasha swallowed against the huskiness in his voice. Miroku nodded slowly, and Inuyasha repressed the urge to smack the understanding look off the monk's face. _It ain't my fuckin' business. If it ain't me she wants, I should be relieved. It's probably some simperin' human boy at that 'school' she goes to. Makes things simpler. Then why the hell does it hurt so fuckin' much?_

Miroku stood up slowly. "I believe I'm going to have a talk with Kagome-sama." Inuyasha shrugged. Miroku sighed to himself and put a hand on the hanyou's shoulder before he began to walk towards the village. He'd often wondered what would happen between the pair if Kagome finally moved on to someone who was free to return her feelings. Miroku wasn't surprised that it had wounded Inuyasha to this degree, but was surprised that Inuyasha expected Kagome to abandon her responsibilities as the guardian of the Shikon-no-Tama as a result. _That's not the Kagome I know._ He sighed as he drew within sight of Kaede's hut. _Damn it. I shouldn't have let this go._

Sango sat on the stoop, carefully polishing her katana. Miroku's expression softened momentarily as he paused to watch her. _I suppose I can't blame Inuyasha for acting as he is. When I thought Sango would marry that warlord...._ He shoved that out of his head. 

Sango glanced up as she heard the sound of Miroku's shakujou stop. "Houshi-sama? Are you back already?" 

Miroku nodded. "He's...." He trailed off as he searched for the right word to convey Inuyasha's mood. 

"He's brooding, I would imagine," Sango said, running an exploratory thumb down the length of the blade. 

"It's more than that, though," Miroku said. "He seems... heartbroken." Sango paused, her silence conveying her disbelief more eloquently than any thing she could have said. Miroku shrugged. "He seems to think she cares for someone in her own country, and that she'll go back when she wakes up." 

Sango resumed running a cloth over her sword. "I wonder what gave him such a foolish idea?" 

"I didn't manage to find that out. I felt I'd pried about as much as I could without getting my head beaten in." He grinned at her. 

Sango shook her head fondly. "You always deserve it, you know." 

"As you say," Miroku replied. He eyed the curve of her hip for a moment. _No, I want her to talk to me._ He sat down on the stoop, placing himself out of arm's reach. 

The cloth paused for a moment. "She's not, though. Is she?" Sango said, carefully avoiding acknowledging Miroku's choice. 

"I'm going to ask her." Miroku twirled his staff idly, listening to the rings jangle. "I shouldn't have let this go on. I knew she was acting strange, but I thought it would pass." 

Sango pursed her lips. "Her strange behavior...." She paused again, resting the sword across her lap. Miroku waited patiently. "I don't know, houshi-sama. She's behaving like a woman in love, yes, but.... I don't know if that could possibly explain everything that's been strange about her." 

Miroku's laugh was edged lightly with irony. "I must admit, I'm not familiar with the behavior of women in love." 

Sango ignored this. "Sleeping all the time? And... her unusual display of power in the woods. And the idea that she'd neglect her duties to us?" She shook her head slowly. 

Miroku frowned. "You know.... we can dismiss the idea that this is all simply because she's in love. Because if these were side effects...." 

"Then we would have seen them long before now," Sango said dryly. 

"Exactly," Miroku said, matching her tone. "No.... Naraku may be involved, but it's best to start with the easiest method of finding out what's wrong. We should talk to her." Sango nodded. Miroku grinned at her. "I suppose I shouldn't try to wake her up." 

Sango raised her eyebrows at Miroku. "How were you planning on waking her up?" Miroku's grin only broadened. Sango rolled her eyes and got to her feet, sheathing the katana pointedly. "I'll do it. That way she doesn't have to worry about being molested." 

Miroku clapped a hand to his heart. "You wound me, Sango." She merely tapped the scabbard meaningfully before ducking through the door. Miroku heaved a sigh that was meant to sound put-upon, but his heart felt lighter. _I will never understand why her threatening me cheers me up so much._

Sango knelt next to the futon where Kagome lay. Sango rested a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently. "Kagome?" Kagome's head rocked slightly, but her breathing remained deep and even. Sango frowned. "Kagome, wake up. Houshi-sama and I need to speak with you." Nothing. Kagome's eyes didn't even flutter, as if she couldn't hear. "Kagome?" 

Miroku looked through the flap. "What's wrong?" 

Sango frowned, shaking her head. "She won't wake up." 

"She's been difficult to awaken before," Miroku said, kneeling next to Sango. 

Sango lifted Kagome so the younger girl's shoulders rested against Sango's arm. "Come on, Kagome, wake up," Sango said clearly, slapping her lightly. "Kagome, wake up." She raised her friend a little higher, and Kagome's head rolled back, showing no resistance or recognition. Sango swallowed against a rising sense of panic. _"Kagome."_

Miroku held his left hand over Kagome's mouth. "She's breathing, at least." 

Sango laid Kagome back down and leaned over, pressing an ear to her chest. "And her heartbeat is strong." 

Miroku sat back on his heels. "Damn it. We need to get Kaede-sama." 

Sango straightened up. "She's in the village." Miroku nodded, rising to his feet and she grabbed the hem of his robe. "We should get Inuyasha, too." She sighed as Miroku's jaw tightened. She didn't relish the idea of telling the hanyou either, but he needed to know. 

Miroku tried a smile. "He'll panic." 

Sango smiled weakly back. "Well, if she can sleep through his panic, then we'll know it's serious." 

"True." Miroku paused, tempted to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. _No, she'll think I'm making a move and we can't afford to lose the time._ "All right. I'll get Inuyasha. You get Kaede-sama." Sango nodded and came to her feet in a fluid motion Miroku allowed himself to admire before striding briskly out of the door. He sighed and turned his feet once more towards the God Tree. 

Inuyasha sat exactly where Miroku had left him. Miroku gritted his teeth. _Oh, this could get ugly._ "Inuyasha?" He felt slightly relieved that this time the hanyou actually turned to look at him. 

Inuyasha frowned, ears flattening. _He smells worried. Somethin's wrong._ "Yeah?" 

"We need your help for a moment." 

"What happened?" Inuyasha asked, getting to his feet. 

"Sango and I tried to wake Kagome-sama so we might talk to her. But... she's not waking up." 

Inuyasha's eyebrows drew together and his eyes grew dark. "She's not waking up? Whaddya mean, she's not waking up?" _She ain't.... She can't be...._

"She seems to be quite deeply asleep," Miroku said quickly. 

The tension gathering in Inuyasha's frame immediately dissipated. "Keh. You just ain't tryin' hard enough." 

"Probably," Miroku said easily. "Will you help us?" 

Inuyasha snorted, shoving past the monk. "If I gotta." He strode off toward the village. _At least I can help. Even if she don't want me anymore._ He barely registered the chime of Miroku's staff indicating that the monk was following him. Inuyasha burst through the door flap and stopped. Kagome lay quietly on the mat, curled up on her side. He stared at her for a long moment, ignoring the worried gazes of Kaede and Sango. _What the fuck're they worried about?_ "You people," he said casually, dropping down next to the mat. "She's just sleepin'." He nudged Kagome with a careless hand. "Oi, Kagome. Wake up." A faint smile crossed her mouth. Inuyasha rolled his eyes. _Dumb wench is just playin' games with us._ "Ka-go-me! Hey, Sleepin' Fuckin' Beauty, wake up!" 

Miroku crossed to stand next to Sango, who looked up at him worriedly. Miroku shook his head slowly, watching Inuyasha. 

Inuyasha bent closer to the sleeping girl, frowning. _What the hell?_ He lifted her up by her upper arms and shook her as hard as he dared. "Damn it, Kagome, wake the fuck up." Her head lolled back and forth with the rhythm of the shaking, but her eyes didn't open. Inuyasha swallowed. _Please. Wake up._ His heart leaped for a moment as she let out a breathy little sigh and her head rolled forward, but then she fell still again. 

"That's enough, Inuyasha," Kaede said. 

He gathered Kagome closer to him and glared up at the watching miko. "What happened to her?" His voice had dropped to a dangerous growl. 

"I don't know," Kaede said gently. 

Inuyasha turned his glare on Miroku. "Well? You don't go to sleep and just not wake up. Who's been here? _Who did this to her?"_ Kagome sighed again and turned her face against him, nestling closer. He felt a fresh crack run through his painfully aching heart. _Kagome...._

"Sango," Miroku said quietly. "Did you see anyone approach the hut this morning?" 

"No, houshi-sama," Sango replied formally. "Shippo came in and out, but he's been doing chores for Kaede-sama most of the morning. And, of course, neither he, I, nor you would hurt Kagome." 

"And," Miroku continued, "We were both here last evening when she went to sleep. So no one has been near Kagome-sama." 

Inuyasha nodded, distractedly running one hand through her hair. _Wake up. Please wake up. It's okay, Kagome. You can love him, whoever he is. Just wake up. Please, Kagome._ "That can't be it," he said gruffly. "That can't be all there is." 

Sango sighed. "Inuyasha, nobody besides us has been in or out of here all morning. I've been here the whole time." 

"I don't care if no one came in or out," he snarled. "This ain't normal!" 

Miroku sat down slowly, puzzling over the situation. "Obviously, it's not," he murmured. 

Inuyasha settled more comfortably on the ground, cradling Kagome against him. Her smile deepened and her hand curled into the fabric of his haori. He glanced down at her. "Kagome?" 

Miroku tilted his head thoughtfully. "I wonder why she responds to you." 

Inuyasha shook his head slowly. "I dunno." 

Kaede knelt next to him and laid a gentle hand on Kagome's forehead. "Houshi-dono. You said she was caring for some ill wolf youkai cubs?" Miroku nodded. "She has no fever," Kaede mused, then probed gently at the girl's neck. "No swelling here." She sat back on her heels. "She doesn't appear to be ill." 

"Just asleep," Miroku said without a trace of his building frustration. 

"Very asleep," Sango said. Something about Kagome's face caught her attention and she leaned a little closer. "....And she's dreaming." 

Miroku looked at Sango with surprise. "How can you tell?" 

"When he was very young, Kohaku used to have nightmares -- he was often afraid for us when my father and I would go off on an assignment. Sometimes he dreamed about the day when he would have to fight youkai. I used to sit with him some nights. And I began to notice that his eyes moved when he was having some of his most vivid dreams and nightmares." Sango smiled a little sadly, remembering. "Just like Kagome-chan's are doing now." 

"I see," Miroku murmured, peering at Kagome's eyes. 

"Usually, when his eyes were moving as fast as Kagome-chan's are, he'd wake up calling for me or father." 

"But she ain't wakin' up," Inuyasha pointed out. "And she ain't callin' for anyone." 

"Not out loud, anyway," Miroku said. "But she's responding to you." 

Inuyasha swallowed and held her closer. 

Kaede said slowly, "Inuyasha, would you put her down for a moment?" 

Incredulous golden eyes snapped to hers. "What?" 

"I said," she repeated, a bit more tartly, "Would you put her down for a moment?" 

"No." 

"I merely want to see something." 

"Inuyasha, Kaede-sama only wants to help," Sango interjected. 

Inuyasha laid Kagome back on the mat so gently it wouldn't have woken a fretful child. A small voice in his head cried out to pick her back up and never put her down again, but he drew away from her slowly. Kagome's smile faded slowly until she merely lay on the mat like a discarded rag doll. Kaede nodded and turned to Miroku. "Houshi-dono, would you mind?" Miroku started and looked at Kaede with surprise. 

"Would he mind what?" Inuyasha snapped. 

Kaede sighed. "I merely want to see something." 

"He ain't touchin' her." 

Miroku swallowed, well aware of the furious golden eyes and suspicious hazel ones drilling into him. "I won't do anything, I swear." After a long moment, Inuyasha nodded curtly and moved away from the sleeping girl. Miroku sat down next to her and lifted her carefully into his lap, keeping his hands well away from any areas that might get him beaten unconscious. 

Sango chewed her lip, watching Kagome lie senseless in Miroku's arms. "Maybe... if... Houshi-sama would hold her a bit more like Inuyasha was?" Miroku shot her an incredulous look, which she ignored. Very gently, ignoring the low growl building in Inuyasha's throat, he slid an arm around Kagome's shoulders, tucking her against his chest. She didn't respond, for which he felt a twinge of ironic relief. 

Kaede nodded. "You may put her down now." 

Miroku laid Kagome back on the mat, fondly brushing a strand of hair off her forehead before moving away from her. Kaede turned to Sango. "Sango?" 

Sango started. "Yes?" 

"For the sake of completeness...." 

"Oh, yes. Of course." She sank cross-legged onto the mat and lifted her friend into her arms. Sango looked down at Kagome's still face. "Kagome-chan," she said softly, brushing her bangs back in the way Miroku had done. She sighed when it became clear that Kagome wasn't going to move, and laid her back on the mat. 

Kaede nodded and looked at Inuyasha. "Inuyasha." 

He started, having had his concentration fixed on Kagome. "What?" 

Kaede suppressed a smile. "If you wouldn't mind?" 

Inuyasha dropped down, cross-legged, and lifted Kagome into his lap, cradling her against him. Instantly, she curled closer to him and reached up, twining her fingers into his clothing. He sighed a bit. _She knows it's me. It can't be that bad if she knows it's me._ He brushed once more at her hair, whispering, "C'mon, Kagome. Wake up, huh?" Her mouth curved, but she didn't move again. He swallowed. _Please...._

Kaede turned to Sango and Miroku. "It might be best if Kagome were moved to the quarantine hut." 

"No," Inuyasha said flatly. 

"No?" 

He looked up at Kaede, resolved. "No. She ain't gonna be left alone in there. Not if we don't know what's doin' this." 

Kaede quirked an eyebrow at him. "Did I say she should be left alone?" 

Inuyasha blinked. "You said... quarantine." 

Kaede smiled kindly. "I thought that since there's quite a bit of activity in here during the day, she might be better tended somewhere quiet. As it is, Inuyasha, you'll need to stay with her." 

Miroku raised his eyebrows. "He will?" 

Inuyasha rose to his feet, cradling Kagome securely. "I am, whether I 'need' to or not." 

"Why is that, Kaede-sama?" Sango asked. 

Kaede watched the girl sleeping trustfully in Inuyasha's arms for a moment. "Inuyasha draws a response from her, which keeps her tied to the waking world. Until the houshi and I discover the source of this sleep, it's best not to let her... slip deeper." 

Inuyasha nodded. "All right then." He ducked out of the hut, carrying Kagome. _Somethin' I can do, at least._

Sango waited until she was sure he was out of earshot, and then looked between Miroku and Kaede. "So what do we need to do first?" 

Kaede sighed, lowering herself to the ground. "Are the both of you convinced this is unnatural?" 

Miroku nodded. "I don't see how it could be anything else. Kagome-sama never sleeps this heavily. And...." 

Sango picked up the thought. "She's been behaving strangely." She began to tick the odd things off on her fingers. "She's been impatient, irritable..." 

"Distracted," Miroku added. 

Sango nodded. "When she wakes, it's like she doesn't even recognize where she is. And for as much as she sleeps, she's always tired, never rested." 

Kaede frowned. "You didn't mention this before." 

Miroku winced. "I suppose I thought she was under so much stress from her dual lives...." 

"And it was easy to dismiss each incident separately," Sango said. "It's when you consider them all at once like this that you realize how strange the situation is." 

Kaede nodded. "Houshi-dono, we'll need to ward the hut. Later, we can try to probe her for foreign magic and see if she's under a spell." 

Miroku cleared his throat at the prompting glance Sango shot him. "However, there was something we should have mentioned." 

Kaede looked at him steadily. "Oh?" 

"She... cast a barrier." 

Kaede blinked. "She what?" 

Miroku nodded. "It was about a week ago, while we were shard hunting. We were attacked by a boar that was controlled by a tainted guardian forest spirit. It was tainted by a shard. Kagome-sama cast a barrier that blocked the controlling spell." 

Sango murmured, "And then she found the shard." 

"She pulled it out of midair, Kaede-sama. It was... astounding." 

Kaede simply stared at the two of them for a long moment. "Has she done anything else?" she said finally. 

"Not that I've seen," Miroku said. 

"I haven't seen anything either," Sango chimed. 

"She went off with the wolf youkai, as I told you, but.... Since she considers him a friend, I thought nothing of it," Miroku said. 

Kaede nodded. "From what I've gathered, what was ailing those cubs was well within Kagome's ability to cure." She got stiffly to her feet. "We need to ward that hut as soon as possible, houshi-dono." 

"I'll be with you in a moment, Kaede-sama." Miroku waited until the old miko had stepped out into the sunlight before slumping and rubbing at his forehead. "May the gods forgive me," he muttered, rising to his feet. 

Sango cleared her throat. "Houshi-sama." He turned self-reproachful blue eyes on her and she nearly smiled. _How he can be so irresponsible and yet chastise himself for something that isn't his fault...._ She glanced in the direction she knew the quarantine hut was in. "We didn't know for sure there was anything wrong. If we blame ourselves, we aren't helping Kagome-chan." 

He frowned faintly. "Didn't we?" 

She rose to her feet, nearly stepping closer to him before she forcibly reminded herself of who he was. "Her life -- dividing her attention between her responsibilities here and her responsibilities in her own land -- is stressful. There were explanations for each thing by itself. We simply didn't realize they were tied together. But now we do. And now we do what is necessary. And we don't dwell on what we might have done." 

Miroku sighed. "You're right." He paused for a moment and shook his head. "No, you're right. I simply...." His voice trailed off. 

Sango offered him an ironic commiserating grin. "Feel like you should have seen it coming? Me too." 

His mouth turned up at one corner. "I feel stupid. I don't like feeling stupid." 

She almost shook her head. "Of course you don't. No one does. But with all due respect, now is not the time to concentrate on how you feel. Now we concentrate on what we can do. Because we can always help her as long as she lives." 

Miroku's eyes darkened briefly. "Don't even think that. She's not going to die." He walked slowly towards the door. 

"No," Sango said softly. "She's not." _Please, gods, don't let her die._

He paused at the door and looked back at her. His eyes had cleared and for a moment, she saw the man she suspected truly lived in that convoluted mind. "Thank you, Sango." 

She smiled back at him, feeling a blush touch her cheeks. "You're welcome, houshi-sama." And he vanished into the sunshine, without making a move towards her. 

*** 

Kagome sang wordlessly as she tied the gathered herbs into bundles. She remembered when she'd hated these chores, but it was much less tedious now, when she knew she would see Inuyasha at the end of the day. Her shoulders ached and she wondered if she could tease him into rubbing them for her while she babbled at him about all the things she'd learned. _He's so shy about his strength, but it feels really good on sore muscles._

Her hands paused. She wanted to cry again. She'd been fighting a strange wave of melancholy all day, but had been able to ignore it more easily by concentrating on the tedium of her chores. _Get a grip, silly girl. There's nothing out there. You probed the area yourself. You even set up those minor wards. There's _nothing_ out there._

But still, her throat was closing and tears blurred her vision. 

"Honestly, Kagome," she muttered. "What could possibly upset you? You have everything you want." She bent back over the herbs, picking up her tune. Unnoticed, a stray tear spilled down her face and splashed onto the bundle she was tying. 

*** 

_While shadows and loneliness linger  
I'm dreaming with tears in my eyes_


	9. Won't You Hear Me

I realized that I've been writing a story chock-full of nummy angst and I haven't used a Sarah McLachlan song yet. That's a severe infraction of the Angst By-Laws. So I made sure to use one for this chapter. ;) Non-angsty thank-yous to les betas: Chris, Kat, and Merith. Extra pats for Merith, who seems to have re-emerged from whatever hell she's been trapped in, and for Chris, who is very patient with my awful attempts at being medical. ;) Uh... and, what the hell, extra pats for Kat, who seems to have vanished into Merith's black hole. Where are ya, Kat? Finally, a deep bow of gratitude for Niamh, who helped me put cute M/S byplay in the middle of I/K agony. 

Chapter title and epigraph are from "Hold On," by Sarah McLachlan. 

*** 

_So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And will see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile  
Across your face_

*** 

Shippo busily added a bit more red to his latest crayon drawing. He relished this time alone with his surrogate mother; Inuyasha had hovered over her for the past two days, snarling at anyone who approached, even the kitsune. Shippo had tried not to resent the hanyou's wildly protective streak, but enough was enough. After all, he wanted to take care of Kagome too. Luckily, Inuyasha had finally been forced out of the hut for a while by his own restlessness, and Shippo had seized the opportunity to sit with Kagome. "You have to wake up, okay?" he said to the sleeping girl. "Otherwise he's just gonna pound on me all the time." 

The kitsune sighed when Kagome didn't stir. "Okay. I'm gonna tell you a story. I drew these pictures to go with it, but you'll just have to look at those later." He tucked himself against her stomach, tilting his head to hear her heartbeat. "Once upon a time -- that's how these start, right? -- there was a beautiful princess. And she lived in a castle and was kind and gentle. But there was this prince who lived in the castle next to hers. And he was a real jerk. He kept yelling at the princess for no reason. So sometimes she thought he didn't like her very much. But he did." Shippo paused to admire the picture he'd drawn to go with this part. It showed a fairly well disguised Prince Inuyasha yelling at an obviously furious Princess Kagome. 

"Then, one day, the princess was struck by an evil spell, and she fell into a deep sleep. And the prince was scared, because he didn't know what to do." Shippo eyed his next picture thoughtfully, remembering his inspiration. He'd peeked through the flap to see how Kagome was doing, and had fled immediately, before Inuyasha could hit him for catching the hanyou in a moment of weakness. But the image was burned into his memory. He brushed a finger over the drawing. It showed the prince clutching the princess to him, face buried in her hair. Shippo folded the paper carefully to tuck away in his gi. _If Inuyasha sees this, he'll smack me and tear it up, and it's for her._

He reached out and patted her softly on the cheek. _You gotta wake up, Kagome. He's really scared._ "Where... oh, yeah. Anyway, the prince was frightened. He thought maybe it was a spell cast by the evil wizard who hated the princess, but he wasn't sure. So he gathered together the bravest knights of the kingdom and they went out to save her." He spread out the next few pictures. "I drew one for each knight, see?" Sango rode proudly astride Kirara, head held high. Miroku looked mostly heroic, although Shippo suspected the crafty gleam that always sneaked into his drawings of the monk had more to do with the subject than the artist. 

"This was the bravest knight," he said solemnly, tapping the third drawing. "See?" He'd drawn himself, of course, riding a dragon and carrying a sword that threatened to dwarf the transformed Tetsusaiga. "The princess always loved him best and put him in the front of all her guards." Shippo rested his head against Kagome's heart for a moment. If he closed his eyes, he could almost hear her saying, _Of course she did, Shippo-chan. Wasn't he her bravest knight?_ He knuckled a tear away from his eye. "I miss you, Kagome," he muttered. "Nothing's right without you." 

Shippo resolutely pushed aside his worry. _Gotta finish the story._ He picked up the last drawing. "I drew one for the prince, too." Prince Inuyasha strode forward, Tetsusaiga resting on one shoulder. In his other hand he clutched a piece of fabric that, with a little imagination, one could recognize as the tie from Kagome's school uniform. 

"So these knights and the prince went off to hunt the evil wizard, hoping he was the one who'd made her sleep. And...." Shippo trailed off. He wanted to be brave, to be able to tell Kagome how brave he'd been when she woke up. But watching her lie so very still reminded him almost viscerally of how he'd found his parents' bodies. Shippo felt tears well in his eyes. "I can't finish the story, Kagome. You gotta wake up, so I can tell you how it ends. You have to. If you don't wake up, it can't have a happy ending." He swallowed, curling up closer to Kagome's body. "So... wake up, okay? Just... wake up." 

Inuyasha ground his teeth together, pausing outside the door flap. He knew Shippo wanted -- even needed -- to be near Kagome when something was wrong with her. But he needed to be near her _more._ "Oi, brat," he muttered. "Get lost, will you?" 

Shippo's head snapped up. "You can't make me," he hissed. "You've been selfish this whole time. It's my turn, dammit!" 

A low growl rumbled in Inuyasha's throat. Shippo burrowed closer to Kagome until nearly all Inuyasha could see were the kitsune's blue eyes peering out at him. Inuyasha sighed. "Okay, kid. But I gotta hold her." 

Shippo snorted. "Oh, yeah, holding Kagome is such a chore." 

Inuyasha held up a clenched fist in idle threat as he dropped down next to Kagome's body, lifting her into his lap. Shippo rolled his eyes and picked up his crayons again. Silence fell between the two for a while. Inuyasha finally spoke. "I thought she told you that story." 

Shippo jumped, startled. "Huh?" 

"I thought Kagome told you the story about the sleeping princess." 

"Uh.... She told me a story about _a_ sleeping princess." Shippo's mind raced frantically, trying to remember what he'd said aloud. He decided that since his head remained unbruised, he was probably safe. "But I thought I'd make up a different one for her." 

Inuyasha sat silent for a few more minutes. "In the one she did tell you.... How did the princess wake up?" 

Shippo paused, frowning absently at his drawings. "I... think the prince kissed her. 'Love's first kiss,' Kagome said." 

Inuyasha looked down at Kagome's flushed, smiling face and swallowed. _Damn it. 'You're not him.'_ He ran an absent hand through her hair. 

Slow but firm steps outside the door announced Kaede's arrival. She lifted the flap aside and peered in. "How is she, Inuyasha?" 

He shrugged. "She keeps smilin', but she's still asleep. Didn't even wake up when the runt came in and babbled at her." 

"I didn't babble, you jerk, I was telling her a story," Shippo muttered. 

Kaede nodded, settling to her knees in front of Inuyasha. Shippo reluctantly scurried out of the way. She gently turned Kagome's face towards her and rested a dry palm on the girl's forehead. "No fever," she murmured. She probed gently at Kagome's neck. "Still no swelling." She sat back with a sigh. "I suppose we can be grateful that she didn't catch anything from those youkai cubs to complicate matters." 

"Yeah," Inuyasha muttered. _I almost wish she had.... Would give me an excuse to beat Kouga's head in._ Kaede placed two fingers on the pulse beating in Kagome's throat, counting to herself for the length of two slow breaths. A few seconds later, she frowned and began to count again. Shippo looked up sharply and Inuyasha's brow furrowed as a trace of fear filtered into her scent. "Hey, Kaede-baba, what's the problem?" 

Kaede hesitated. "I need to speak with the others." She rose to her feet and walked towards the flap with more haste than usual. 

"What for?" Inuyasha snapped. 

The old miko paused in the doorway. Her shoulders sagged. "I think Kagome's heart is slowing." 

Inuyasha dimly wondered at the burning sensation in his lungs until he realized he'd stopped breathing. His arms tightened around Kagome, pressing her closer to his heart. Nearby, Shippo's crayons rolled across the floor, having fallen from the kitsune's motionless fingers. "No. You're wrong," Inuyasha said. 

Kaede shook her head. "I must speak with the others." She brushed aside the flap and stepped outside. 

Shippo crept closer to Kagome's form, tilting his head to listen to her heartbeat again. "It sounds okay to me." 

Inuyasha snorted. "I been here the whole time. She's fine. The old hag's just panicking." 

Kaede walked over to her own hut and lifted the door flap. "Sango?" 

The young taiji-ya looked up from where she was practicing her mending on some spare clothes Kaede kept on hand for villagers who might need them. "Yes, Kaede-sama?" 

"I need to count your heartbeats for a moment." 

Sango hesitated. "All right...." 

Kaede knelt next to her and placed two fingers on the pulse, counting to herself. After a moment, she sat back, shaking her head. In the darkest corner of the hut, a pile of shadows stirred as Miroku came out of his meditative trance. She looked at him. "Houshi-dono, the situation has become more critical." 

"I thought it was already sufficiently critical," he said, rolling his shoulders. 

Kaede stood up slowly. "I need you both in the quarantine hut. Kagome has gotten worse." 

Sango jumped to her feet. Miroku rose but staggered, leaning heavily on his staff. "Damn it," he muttered. 

Sango turned, surprised. "Houshi-sama?" 

Miroku waved a casual hand. "I'm fine." 

"Houshi-dono has not been taking time to recover from warding Kagome," Kaede said dryly to Sango. 

"Houshi-dono has been doing what's necessary," Miroku replied. Sango walked over to him and offered him her arm. He raised his eyebrows at her. She narrowed her eyes at him. _If you try anything, I'll beat you unconscious._ He smiled and leaned on her arm. "Thank you, Sango." 

Kirara had wandered into the quarantine hut by the time the three of them made it into the room. Shippo was curled up by the fire youkai, petting her worriedly while he watched Kagome. Inuyasha's entire being was focused on the girl in his arms; he had to remind himself not to hold her too tightly, lest he crack her ribs. His ears twitched as they entered, the only sign he'd heard them. 

"Inuyasha?" Kaede said. 

"What?" 

"Can you hear Sango's heartbeat?" 

Inuyasha tilted his head, picking the taiji-ya's heartbeat out from all the other ambient noise in the room. "....Yeah." 

"Sango's heartbeat is faster than Kagome's is." 

Inuyasha relaxed. "Is that all? Her heartbeat's always slower when she's sleepin'." 

"I measured both Kagome's and Sango's heartbeats two days ago. Then, Kagome's heartbeat was three beats slower than Sango's." Kaede hesitated. "Now it is five beats slower. Kagome's heart is slowing." 

Miroku stiffened, taking some of his weight off Sango's arm. "Damn it," he muttered. 

Inuyasha shook his head. "No. No, I been sittin' here the whole damned time." 

"That is the problem," Kaede said gently. "The change has been gradual, so you've grown accustomed to it." 

Inuyasha swallowed. "So... she's...." The words swelled in his throat. 

"If we cannot stop it, then yes." 

He nodded. "Then we find out what's fuckin' doing this to her, and we find out _now_." Shippo inched closer to Kagome, small fingers twining in her hair. Inuyasha didn't snap at the kitsune. _He's gotta be terrified._

Miroku eased himself away from Sango and sat heavily on the floor, resting his head against the wall. "Whatever's doing this to her is.... Well, it's damned subtle, is what it is." He rubbed his forehead, trying to ease the headache he'd earned from his constant use of power and lack of sleep. "It.... She's being drained. It's not blocked by the wardings, and it's almost impossible to detect. The best I can describe it is that it makes her less there. Like what makes her Kagome-sama is... missing." 

Inuyasha nodded. "So who can do that?" 

Miroku rolled his eyes. "Assuming it's someone we've encountered before, and assuming they've tried it?" 

Shippo sat up excitedly. "Kanna made her all unconscious when she tried the mirror thing." 

Miroku nodded. "That's what this appears to be most like." 

"Only we ain't seen that pale bitch around, and she can only do this shit up close." Inuyasha growled. 

Sango cleared her throat. "Maybe.... Naraku augmented her powers? Since he has so much of the jewel?" 

A silence sat over the hut. "That makes sense," Miroku said finally. He rubbed his neck wearily. "No wonder the wardings aren't holding." 

"Fuck," Inuyasha growled. He began to run his fingers through Kagome's hair again, unconsciously seeking the comfort the motion brought him. Sango nodded in agreement. 

Miroku spoke after another lingering silence. "Kaede-sama." He hesitated. "If we do not.... How long do we have?" The words "How long does she have?" hung unspoken in the air. 

Kaede stooped and touched Kagome's cheek lightly before answering. "It depends on how rapidly her condition changes. If her heartbeat remains on a slow decline.... Another week, perhaps. If it changes more rapidly...." 

Inuyasha closed his eyes, feeling his heart chip and shatter. _No. No. Not you, Kagome. Not you. You can't leave me, damn it. I need you. Don't you know that?_

"Then we'll have to move faster than that," Miroku said simply. He got to his feet, leaning heavily on the wall. Sango sighed inwardly and offered him her arm again. As he slid his arm through hers, Kaede shot him a glare. 

"You are going to go to sleep, houshi-dono." 

"I am not," Miroku replied. 

Sango bit her lip, marking his hidden exhaustion. "Perhaps... just for a short while?" 

Miroku sighed. "We have a week. I don't want to lose the time." 

Kaede looked up at the ceiling, clearly calling on the gods for patience. "Just for a few hours," Sango cajoled, hardly believing her own tone of voice. "Kirara and I will scout the area and see what we can find." She felt his resolve waver. 

"Very well," he relented. 

"Good," Kaede snapped. "I thought I was going to have to knock you unconscious." 

Miroku lifted his head and smiled winningly at the old miko. "If it's all the same to you, Kaede-sama, I'd rather Sango knocked me unconscious." 

"I've so much more practice at it, after all," Sango muttered. 

Kaede shook her head with bemusement. "Put him to bed, Sango." 

Sango felt her blood rush to her face and she didn't have to look sideways to know that Miroku's smile had taken on a devilish edge. "Not. One. Word," she growled. His smile only broadened. She rolled her eyes and guided him out of the hut and into Kaede's. She pulled a mat from the stack in the back of the room and spread it and a pillow out for him. 

Miroku sank down onto it and rubbed a hand across his forehead. "Don't let me sleep too long. She still needs to be warded." 

Sango knelt next to him, resting her hands on his shoulders. "You're supposed to rest." 

"I know." 

"Then do it." She pushed him back onto the pillow. 

He closed his eyes, but a crooked grin played across his mouth. "I don't suppose I could convince you to join me?" 

Sango rolled her eyes, ignoring the fond smile that threatened to break free. _Honestly._ "I thought you were in bad shape." She stiffened as a familiar hand slid gently over her buttocks. 

"Not too bad," Miroku murmured. She snatched his wrist and locked it, ready to give it a threatening twist, when she realized that he'd already fallen asleep. And, more annoyingly, that the retaliation had made him look nearly as happy as the grope. She rose to her feet and went to the door, but paused to look back at him. _You'd better wake up, houshi. I still have to get you for that._

Kaede turned to Inuyasha after Miroku and Sango left. "I am sorry, Inuyasha." The hanyou only shrugged. Kaede sighed. "I have... confidence that you will be able to reverse Kagome's condition." She walked over to the door flap. "She is not beyond saving. Hold on to that." She glanced back at Shippo's forlorn figure. "Shippo, I could use your help." 

The kitsune looked up, eyes magnified by fresh tears. "But...." 

"I will make certain you have time alone with Kagome later." 

"Okay," Shippo muttered. "Come on, Kirara." The kitsune trailed after Kaede, the living embodiment of the word 'dejection.' 

Inuyasha exhaled as Kaede and Shippo left. He bent his head to Kagome's so that his bangs mingled with hers and he could feel her breath on his face. A wild pained howling in his soul quieted as her hair brushed against his skin. He combed his claws once more through the hair at her temple and then cupped her face in his hand, brushing his thumb along her cheekbone. _I kept callin' her 'Sleepin' Fuckin' Beauty.' But... she is._ "I'm sorry, Kagome," Inuyasha whispered. Shippo's voice floated back to him. _'"Love's first kiss," Kagome said.'_ He swallowed. _No way. It couldn't be that easy._

Feeling like an idiot and throttling back the wild surge of hope beating in his chest, he bent down and gently pressed his lips to hers. Kagome sighed softly as her lips parted beneath his. Inuyasha took a deep, steadying breath. _Remember, dumbass, she's asleep._ But he couldn't stop himself from gently sweeping his tongue along her lower lip as he kissed her again. She tasted of peaches and candy she'd brought one time: ginger coated in something called sugar. Sweet and hot at the same time. 

Kagome moaned and her fingers tightened their grip on his clothing as he drew back from her. Inuyasha paused. The temptation to kiss her again, to sink into her taste, was nearly overwhelming. He was on the verge of seeing if he could coax her mouth open again when a wisp of memory floated through his head. 

_'You're not him.'_

He stopped, feeling her breath wash across his skin. "If I was him, you woulda woken up, right?" he said softly. 

A faint frown creased Kagome's brow and she tugged, as if she wanted to pull him back down to her. Inuyasha shook his head and straightened, ignoring the renewed ache in his heart. _If Kanna's doin' this to her.... If that bastard Naraku is involved, I gotta get movin'. I can't be fuckin' around like this._ He laid Kagome down gently on the sleeping mat. Her frown deepened and she twisted restlessly from side to side, reaching out. He bent and brushed his fingers over her forehead. "Shhhhh." Kagome sighed, slowly stilling beneath his touch. Inuyasha strode to the door, pausing to look back. "We're gonna fix this, Kagome. I promise." He shoved the flap aside and stepped into the afternoon. Her flavor lingered on his tongue as he dashed towards the woods to search the perimeter, senses alert for Naraku's scent. 

*** 

Kagome gazed out across the field, tucking her knees against her chest. The breeze blew softly, rippling the long grasses, but it failed to soothe her. She could feel Inuyasha lurking in the trees that cropped up next to the field, but for once, she wanted to be alone. _I have everything. But... something's missing._ She wiped impatiently at her eyes. Tears welled up at the oddest times lately, and a perpetual ache gnawed at her heart. _What's wrong with me?_

She closed her eyes, tipping her face up to the sun. A picture of grief-stricken amber eyes formed in her mind's eye and her heart turned over. _Inuyasha? But... there's nothing wrong with my Inuyasha. Is there?_ "What is it?" Kagome whispered to the wind. "What's wrong? Tell me." 

Instantly, a wave of emotions poured into her: sorrow. Fear. Anger. And most of all, love. Kagome felt tears spill down her temples into her hair. _Inuyasha... tell me. What's wrong? Let me help...._

And for a brief moment, the world shimmered around her. The field blurred like a watercolor painting done with too much water, and the outlines of the trees wavered like mirages. The sky flickered, shifting hues rapidly: blue to green to violet to black and back to blue. Kagome saw none of it, since her eyes were still closed. She stretched out a hand. "Inuyasha?" 

The eyes slowly faded before her and the wave of grief began to ebb. _No,_ Kagome thought. _No, please... don't let go, come back, don't let go...._

A warm, calloused hand closed around hers and she opened her eyes. Her Inuyasha stood before her, looking down at her with a worried, quizzical expression. "Are you okay?" 

Kagome nodded, smearing away her tears with her other hand. "I don't know what's wrong with me." 

He sat down next to her, scooping her into his lap. "Is there anything you can tell me?" 

She shook her head. "Just hold me for a while." 

He nodded, running his claws through her hair. "Okay." She relaxed against him, closing her eyes. But the echo of the sorrow remained, lingering on her tongue, sweet and hot like tears. 

*** 

Sango kneed Kirara gently, urging her lower over the trees. "Keep an eye out for him, huh?" she said to the cat youkai. Kirara let out a soft growl in acknowledgement. Sango sighed and turned back to trying to sense any trace of jaki. She could have sworn she'd never felt the woods around the village quite so empty of any trace of youkai activity. _Well, mostly empty._ She chewed her lip as she saw Inuyasha dash across a clearing, silver hair gleaming in the moonlight. 

_He's got to be in so much pain,_ Sango thought. _And the only person who's ever been able to help him is...._ Sudden tears stung her eyes. _We can't lose her. He needs her. We all need her. Maybe I can do something for him now._ "Down, Kirara," she murmured. "Inuyasha?" she called. 

Below, Inuyasha leapt from tree to tree. He couldn't remember ever being so distracted on a hunt before. His feet retraced paths he'd taken hundreds of times, his eyes scanned the familiar woods automatically, but all he could see before him was Kagome. He could still feel her small fingers threading through his, unconcerned that his hands had killed in the past and would in the future. He could see her solemn eyes staring into his, hear her cheerful laughter, and feel her hair brushing his face. 

He could still smell her on his clothes. 

Inuyasha skidded to a stop as Sango's voice finally registered. _Dammit._ "What?" he snapped. 

Sango looked down at him gravely. "Sorry. I was only wondering if you'd found anything." 

Inuyasha huffed out a breath. "Not yet." 

"Neither have I," Sango said. She shifted the weight of Hiraikotsu on her back, trying to think of an opening. 

Inuyasha glared into the woods. "Fucker don't ever make it easier." 

Sango nodded. "How much longer are you planning on searching tonight?" 

He shrugged a shoulder. "Till I find him." 

"Okay. I just wanted to know." Inuyasha nodded and crouched, ready to leap. She cleared her throat awkwardly. "I was wondering...." 

Inuyasha glanced at her, one black eyebrow cocked. "What?" 

"How are you?" She winced internally. 

The other eyebrow rose. "Fine." 

Sango let out a long silent breath. "Okay." 

Inuyasha shrugged again and leapt to the next branch, rapidly vanishing into the canopy. He shook his head as soon as he was sure he was out of the taiji-ya's line of sight. _Kagome's fuckin not wakin' up, she's under a fuckin' spell, she could DIE. How the hell am I supposed to be?_ He inhaled, absently testing the wind for new scents. _When I find that fucker, I'm tearing his fuckin' head off. For starters._ He sped up, uncaring that branches tore at his hair and clothes. _Kagome. You can't leave me._

Sango watched him fade into the shadows before patting Kirara's neck. _I'll have to look for him again in another few hours._ She sighed as the cat youkai rose into the air. _I'm sorry, Kagome-chan. I just don't have your gift for talking to him. But I promise I won't leave him alone._ She tipped her face up to the rushing wind and the quiet stars, and whispered a quiet prayer for her friends. 

*** 

_Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
This is gonna hurt like hell_


	10. Furious Angels

Well, thank god I got a cold so I could finish this. Stupid college. Why did I think getting a second bachelor's would be a good idea? Oh, yeah. I'm insane. 

Infinite square wells of love to my betas: Merith, Kat, and Chris. A harmonic oscillator of affection for my taskmaster, Niamh, who has gone away again to Tampa. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe I'll do homework. 

Shyeah, right. 

Chapter title and epigraph are from "Furious Angels," by Rob Dougan. 

*** 

_'Cause love like an invisible bullet  
Has shot me down and I'm bleeding  
Yeah, I'm bleeding_

*** 

Sango gingerly slid off Kirara's back as the fire-cat youkai touched down lightly in front of Kaede's hut. Normally she made Kirara land out in the woods so the villagers wouldn't be startled. Even though the people were remarkably tolerant about Inuyasha, Shippo, and Kirara running in and out of Kaede's hut, Sango thought it was a bit unfair to ask them to put up with much more than that. After all, they weren't youkai hunters. But two days of combing the woods at Inuyasha's tireless pace had made her so stiff she wasn't entirely sure she could walk without falling down. Sango leaned against Kirara, who supported her mistress patiently. More than anything, Sango wanted a hot bath and a night of uninterrupted sleep. But she could almost hear Kagome saying, "Sango-chan, take care of him for me, please? I'm worried about him." Sango sighed and straightened. _I'll get something to eat and then I'll head back out._

Shippo peeked from beneath the front door flap. "Sango?" 

She smiled wanly at him. "Hi, Shippo." 

He padded out to her and climbed carefully onto her shoulder. "Did you find anything?" 

The girl shook her head. "Not yet." Kirara shifted back to her smaller form in a blaze of flame and Sango stooped to pick up the cat, Shippo clinging to her collar and shoulder for balance. "I thought I'd beg something from Kaede-sama before I went back out." 

Shippo frowned. "You shouldn't push yourself so hard. Kirara can keep up with Inuyasha, but that doesn't mean you can." 

Sango chuckled as she stepped up onto the porch. "I know, I know. I'm only human." 

Kaede looked up as Sango lifted the flap, arching an eyebrow. "Shippo, I hope you took into account how tired Sango must be before you started climbing all over her," she scolded fondly. 

"She didn't complain," Shippo protested, as Sango leaned Hiraikotsu against the wall. 

"It's okay, Kaede-sama," Sango said, sinking down cross-legged across from the old miko. "I'm used to carrying him." 

Kaede studied her for a long moment, before rising to fetch her a bowl of stew. As Sango took it gratefully, Kaede said, "You should stay here a few hours and rest. Keeping up with Inuyasha is difficult enough when he's not driven." 

Sango groaned. "Why is everybody determined to keep me inside? I'm fine." 

Shippo hopped off her shoulder, fetching another bowl of stew for Kirara. "You don't look fine," he informed her. "You look really tired. And Miroku's been worried about you." 

Sango blinked, chopsticks poised halfway to her mouth. "Houshi-sama? Whatever for?" 

"Because we're stretched thin enough right now, and cannot afford to lose you to exhaustion when it's so easily prevented," Miroku said sternly from behind her. Sango jumped, slopping her stew. He sat down next to her, glaring at Shippo. "If you or Inuyasha do find something, we'll need to be ready to take it on." 

She ate in annoyed silence. He was so much easier to dismiss when he was being frivolous. Kaede finally suggested, "Perhaps if she just took a brief nap...." 

"All right. Fine." Sango set her bowl down with a firm click. "Where do you all propose I take this nap? Since Kagome-chan is in the quarantine hut?" 

Kaede stood up smoothly. "I was just about to take a walk with Shippo." Shippo masked his brief look of confusion with a determined nod. "And houshi-dono." Sango choked on the furious snap she'd been readying for Miroku. 

Miroku rose, offering Kaede his arm. "We'll be off, then." He smiled down at Sango. "Sleep well." His smile only widened when she scowled up at him. Shippo scampered ahead of Miroku as he guided Kaede towards the door. 

Sango sighed as the door flap fell shut behind the trio. She finished her stew and set her empty bowl aside. Kirara had finished her stew and was already asleep in a tight little circle. Sango smiled, dragged a futon down onto the floor and curled up on it. One hand stroked Kirara's back as she closed her eyes. Perversely, she now felt awake, mind churning with the image of Inuyasha coursing the forest, hunting restlessly for whatever it was that was killing Kagome. She chewed her lip, thinking of the shattered look lurking in the depths of Inuyasha's eyes, and Kagome's dreaming smile. She suppressed a groan and sat up. _Maybe I can manage a few more hours. I'll let Kirara sleep, though._

The door flap lifted and an annoyingly familiar voice said, "You're supposed to be resting." 

"What are you doing here?" Sango sputtered. "You were going for a walk!" 

Miroku ducked inside and leaned back against the wall, smiling idly. "I told Kaede-sama your sense of honor wouldn't let you sleep and that I should stay behind to convince you." 

"Convince me?" 

"In fact," Miroku went on, "I seem to recall being determined to keep myself awake a few days ago and being charmingly enticed into sleep." 

Sango barely managed to keep from rolling her eyes. "You've come to entice me charmingly." 

Miroku's smile widened and she felt a twinge of apprehension. "Actually, I came to hold you down until you fell asleep, because I know you're too damn stubborn to either rest on your own or listen to any argument from me." 

She stared at him, color burning high in her cheeks. "What? You...." 

"Don't make me do it," he chided. 

"I'd like to see you try," she snapped, and strode towards the door. 

Miroku intercepted her before she was halfway across the room. Sango twisted to dodge him, but the damn monk followed her like he could read her mind. Frustrated past all endurance, Sango tried brute force, lowering her shoulder and ramming past him. But somehow, he turned her rush back on her, seizing her wrist and tumbling them both to the ground. Her head spun from exhaustion and he rolled them gently onto the futon. _He's pinning me?_ No, she realized. Not pinned. He wasn't touching her at all. His arms were braced on either side of her torso, and he'd trapped one of her legs between his, but he wasn't touching her. But he could, if he shifted his weight even slightly. He was threatening to pin her. 

That pissed her off even more. 

"You know," he said casually, as if this happened to him all the time, "if you wanted me in this position, there were easier ways to get me here." 

_What am I thinking? This probably does happen to him all the time._ Sango took a deep breath and let it out slowly, mentally ripping off a string of curses that would have had Inuyasha scribbling notes. "I'm just going to close my eyes and pretend you're not here," she said. 

"That was the idea," Miroku replied. 

Sango closed her eyes, trying to shunt aside her exasperation. She quickly realized that there was no way she was going to fall asleep with Miroku braced above her. She could feel the warmth radiating off him through his robes and she was hyper-sensitive to every twitch that ran through him. He smelled like rainwater and green tea, and his breath brushed lightly across her parted lips. She swallowed. In as caustic a voice as she could manage, she said, "I can't sleep with you breathing on me. So either get off me or stop breathing." 

There was a long pause. She opened one eye and swore to herself to see him looking thoughtful, as if he were considering his options. He looked down at her and said, "Do you know, I don't think I can hold my breath that long?" 

_Enough is enough._ Sango raised her knee so it pressed with unmistakable threat against his groin. "Move, houshi," she whispered, "or I'll get rid of your excuse for hitting on all those women." 

Miroku's eyes turned dark and unreadable, and he dipped his head. For a brief startled moment, she thought he was going to kiss her. Instead, he breathed into her ear, "Careful. You don't want to do anything you'll regret." 

_What?_ While she was still speechless, he stood up gracefully, dusting his robes off, and walked towards the door. "Let me know when you're up," he said casually. "We need to discuss what we're going to do next, since you and Inuyasha haven't found anything." And he strolled out the door like he hadn't been lying nearly on top of her. 

_I don't _believe_ him! Of all the presumptuous, arrogant, lecherous...._ She fumed quietly, settling down onto the futon and closing her eyes. Her exhaustion quickly claimed her. As her thoughts began to slow and settle, it dawned on her that she was no longer fretting over Inuyasha and Kagome. _That sneaky bastard,_ she thought as she fell asleep. 

*** 

Inuyasha crept silently into the quarantine hut, looking around furtively for anybody who might see him. He didn't want to explain why he'd returned to the hut when he was supposed to be out searching. _Though I guess I could just tell 'em Kagome still needs me._ He sank down next to her, taking a deep breath. Two days of relentless searching had left him edgy and raw inside. He reached out and ran his claws lightly through her bangs. Inuyasha could hear that her heartbeat had slowed further while he'd been away. The flush in her cheeks had ebbed, and her lips had faded to pale rose. His chest tightened. He lifted her into his lap, tucking her head against his shoulder. 

Kagome stirred languidly, one hand reaching up to brush his clothing. But her fingers relaxed before they closed on his haori, and her hand fell away. Inuyasha swallowed. He picked up her hand, thumb brushing rhythmically across the back. He folded her fingers into the cloth over his heart and held her hand there. A smile's shadow flickered over her mouth. 

_You can't leave me. I waited fifty years on that damn tree for you. If you...._ Inuyasha's throat worked. _If you die, Kagome.... Don't you know what it'll do to me? There won't be any point. Everything we've gone through, everything we've fought for. If you're not there, it's not right._ He rocked her slowly. "You have to come back to me," he whispered into her hair. "Please." 

*** 

Sango stirred, rubbing a hand over her face. Images flickered in her mind's eye: Kagome sleeping, Inuyasha running, Shippo crying, Kaede fretting.... Miroku smiling down at her. Her brow furrowed and she rolled onto her back. _I'm going to kill him._ She stretched and opened her eyes, drawing her knees up. She pushed into a sitting position and froze. Miroku sat idly against the wall of the hut, looking for all the world as if he were taking a nap himself. 

He opened his eyes, looking at her soberly. "How do you feel?" 

"What are you doing in here?" 

Miroku affected a surprised expression. "Marshalling my energy to guard Kagome-sama." 

Sango nodded. "And now the real reason." 

Miroku sighed and glanced away. "I wanted to make sure you woke up." 

Sango pulled the tie out of her hair and finger-combed it, retying it in her usual low ponytail. "Make sure?" 

"Whatever's doing this to Kagome-sama might not be interested in only her. Therefore...." 

"As you can see," Sango interrupted, "I'm quite awake." 

"Imagine my relief," Miroku said. 

"Oh, yes. And now that I am awake...." She rolled to her feet gracefully and strode over to him, ignoring the appreciative glint in his eyes. "I don't recommend trying a stunt like that again." 

He looked up at her. "It worked." 

Sango huffed out a breath. "I've been falling asleep on my own for quite a few years now, houshi-sama. If you'd left me alone, I'm sure I would have managed." 

Miroku hesitated. "You were going back out when I came in." 

Sango shifted her weight, uneasy for a moment. "Yes. I was." 

He stood up swiftly, looking down at her. "You were exhausted." 

Sango met his gaze for a moment, then looked away. She hated it when he had a point. "I don't appreciate being tricked." 

A small smile curved Miroku's mouth. "I don't recall tricking you. I did exactly what I said I was going to do." 

Sango's mouth twitched in response. "You diverted my attention." 

"Ah, yes. I did do that." 

"Sneakily." 

He shrugged. "You were going to stay awake worrying." 

Sango sighed. She had a sneaking suspicion that she owed the monk some kind of thank you, but.... "Yes. I probably would have." 

Miroku said in a strange voice, "If you'd gone back out like that.... If something had happened to you...." 

"I know," Sango said gently. "It would have been foolish of me." 

Miroku nodded. "So I diverted you. I thought your being angry with me because I'd tricked you was preferable to.... whatever might have happened." 

Sango was silent for a long moment. "I see your point. I don't have to like it. But I see it." 

Miroku grinned at her suddenly. "I don't suppose you'll let me try it again." 

She raised her eyebrows. "I wouldn't fall for it again." 

"Then I'll have to think of something else." 

Sango shook her head at herself inwardly. _Why is it that whenever he grins at me like that, I have a really hard time staying angry at him? It's so damned annoying._

"So," he said conversationally. 

Sango tilted her head. "So?" 

"You didn't find anything, correct? No sign of Naraku." 

She shook her head. "Nothing." She turned away to pace around the hut. "There was no sign of him, Kagura, Kanna, or even those damned insects. If he's out there, he's better hidden than he's ever been before." 

Miroku let out a rueful sigh. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It's too easy for him to be anywhere nearby." 

Sango shook her head in frustration. "I don't understand it. How can he leave no trace at all? No barriers, no insects, nothing. It's as if... he's pulling strings from far away." 

"Then we'll have to go looking for him." 

"But where do we start?" Sango stopped, staring at the far wall. "We don't even know which direction to go in. These lands are vast, houshi-sama." 

He was so quiet, she looked over her shoulder to make sure he was still there. "Sango?" 

"Yes?" 

"What do you know about soul-draining spells?" 

She frowned for a moment, searching her memory. "That... youkai who use them are rare. And... they increase in potency depending on the proximity of the victim to the caster...." She trailed off. "Oh." 

Miroku nodded. "I thought I remembered that being the case." 

"Why do I have the feeling I know what you're thinking?" 

"Because it's the only logical thing to do?" 

Sango sagged against the wall, feeling tired all over again. "It could kill her. Even more quickly." 

"I know," he said softly. 

"But... she'd die while we were doing something to save her." Sango grimaced. "Instead of lying here fading away while we tear around the countryside blindly." 

Miroku held out a hand. "Gods know I don't want her to die." 

"Nor do I, houshi-sama." She sighed. "At least.... I can't believe I'm saying this. At least if we're headed in the right direction, we stand a chance of stopping Kanna than if we just keep searching in the wrong places while Kagome-chan...." She stopped, swallowing. 

"However," Miroku said. 

"Inuyasha." 

"Oh, yes. He'll love this idea." Miroku sighed and leaned back against the wall. Sango put her hand over her eyes. 

"He's not going to react well at all." She lowered her hand slowly. "But... if we make him understand that it's the only way we can help her...." 

Miroku shrugged. "That's what I'm going to tell him, if he'll listen after he tries to kill me for suggesting it." 

Sango shook her head. "He won't try to kill you. _Maim_ you, perhaps, but not kill you." 

"Well, I know I can live through that." Miroku chuckled softly. 

"Maybe he'll... agree?" Sango suggested, then shook her head. "I'd be more likely to sprout wings." 

Miroku pushed aside the door flap and stepped outside, then paused and leaned back in. "Sango?" 

"Yes, houshi-sama?" 

A devilish grin lit his face. "Can you guess what I'm thinking now?" Sango narrowed her eyes and she glanced pointedly to where Hiraikotsu rested against the wall. Like quicksilver, his grin shifted to only pleasantly happy. "Ah, you're quite fully recovered." The door flap closed. 

Sango followed him towards the quarantine hut. She wasn't sure what made Miroku think the hanyou might be there and not continuing his frantic search through the woods around the village. _We might as well start here, I suppose._ She peeked over Miroku's shoulder as he entered the hut and chalked up a grudging mental point for his instincts. Inuyasha sat quietly on the futon, gazing down into Kagome's pale face. She blinked quick tears away, reading the tension in the set of Miroku's shoulders. _He doesn't want to do this._

Inuyasha said, "What do you want, Miroku?" 

"We have to talk about what we're going to do next." Miroku's tone was dispassionate, as if he was merely discussing what Inuyasha wanted for dinner. Inuyasha closed his eyes wearily, and Sango winced. _He hasn't had any sleep._ Sango sat down quietly between the men. Miroku cleared his throat. "You didn't find any sign of him." 

"No," Inuyasha said. 

"We can't stay here and wait, then. We're going to have to go out and look for him." 

"I was," Inuyasha said even more quietly. "I just came back for...." He shook his head. "I just came back for a little while." 

"Inuyasha," Sango said gently. "We can search all day and all night, but without a direction...." 

Miroku nodded. "She's right." 

Inuyasha shook his head. "We ain't got a choice." 

"I've thought of a way to find a direction," Miroku said neutrally. 

Inuyasha looked up, ears perking and faint hope gleaming in his eyes. Sango bit her lip. "It's not... orthodox," she said. 

He frowned. "What is it?" 

Miroku said, "Soul draining spells increase in their effectiveness depending on how close the caster and the victim are to each other." 

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed. "No." 

Miroku kept talking. "If we take Kagome-sama with us, then we can judge how close we are by how weak she is." 

"I said no, bouzu." 

"Inuyasha," Sango said softly, "please." 

"If we're quick enough," Miroku said, "we should be able to save her before she dies." 

"No," Inuyasha growled. "I'll find him. I'll keep lookin'. I'll find him before she...." 

Miroku sighed. "You can't find him that fast." 

"We can't continue roaming the countryside hoping we trip over Naraku," Sango said reasonably. "We stand a much better chance of saving Kagome-chan if we at least go in the right direction." 

Inuyasha was glaring at Miroku, who said, "You have no idea where you should look, no idea where he is. Kaede-sama said she had a week. We've lost two days." 

"And if we take her," Inuyasha snapped, "we'll lose more time 'cause it'll just speed up. I ain't gonna gamble her life." 

"Fine," Miroku said. Sango glanced at him in surprise. "I'll remind you of that when she's dead in five days because you wouldn't gamble." 

Inuyasha snarled, baring his fangs as his eyes sparked with rage. His muscles twitched as if he was choking back the urge to snap Miroku's neck, and only the fact he would have had to put Kagome down was stopping him. Miroku sat patiently, waiting. Sango shifted, wondering if she was going to need to draw the dagger she kept in her boot. Inuyasha finally wrestled his fury under control and growled, "Fuck. Off." 

"Not until you realize this is the only chance we have," Miroku snapped. 

Inuyasha pressed Kagome closer to his heart, swallowing convulsively. "Inuyasha, please," Sango said. "You've got to see this is the only way we stand a chance of finding Kanna. We wouldn't be here if it weren't." 

"I don't want her to die," Miroku said, the first trace of frustration leaking into his voice. "She's my friend." 

"She's our friend," Sango corrected gently. 

A long, tense silence followed. Finally, Inuyasha slumped and his head dropped forward, hair spilling over his face. "Fine," he said, nearly inaudibly. 

Miroku stood up slowly. "We should go in the morning." 

Sango followed suit. "I'll start gathering our gear." Miroku strolled out of the hut. She followed him, pausing in the door to look back. Inuyasha had buried his face in Kagome's hair and was rocking her slowly. Sango turned and fled the hut, feeling like an intruder. 

Miroku had stopped just outside of earshot range. His shoulders were stiff and she could practically feel the guilt radiating off him. She walked up behind him and put her hand hesitantly on his shoulder. "It could have gone worse." 

"Yes," Miroku said. "He could have cut my head off." 

Sango sighed. "He wouldn't have. It's... the only way, houshi-sama. We can't just sit here." 

"I know." Miroku let out a sigh. "I hate this idea. It goes against every instinct I have, Sango." 

"For me as well," she said softly. "But.... I think Kagome would understand. I think she would want us to take the risk. She doesn't want to die. If this is our only option, then she wants us to take it." 

"I believe she will fight with every last breath in her body to return to him," Miroku said, equally soft. Sango nodded. He hesitated. "And if she doesn't make it... neither will he." 

Sango sighed. "I know." 

He turned around and looked at her with haunted eyes. "Sango." 

She swallowed, feeling something twist in her chest. "Yes?" 

Miroku gazed at her for a long moment. "...If we lose both of them, and it's only you and I who remain to defeat Naraku, then I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to make sure Kohaku is returned to you." 

She nodded, feeling her throat close. "Thank you," she whispered. "But... houshi-sama. Kagome wouldn't leave us. And she wouldn't leave Inuyasha, and she isn't going to give in without a fight. She never has before. So, please, don't start worrying about the future when we've barely begun to deal with the present." Miroku smiled involuntarily. "Otherwise, I'll be forced to tell Kagome-chan how you had so very little faith in yourself." 

His eyes glinted. "I always knew you were dangerous." 

Sango smiled. "And don't you forget it." 

"I never do." Very slowly, he reached up and put his hand over hers. 

Sango felt her pulse trip and stutter. Heat flooded her cheeks. _What... what is he doing?_ "We... have a big day. Tomorrow. So. I should go and start... gathering our things." Miroku nodded. Sango swore she could feel his hand scorch hers through her glove. "So... I'm going to go. Prepare." 

"Very well," Miroku said, but didn't move his hand. She gazed at him, trying to decipher his expression. After a moment, she stepped away, trying to quell an odd sense of disappointment. He lowered his hand slowly to his side. "I told Kaede-sama you'd probably want a bath after your nap," he said neutrally. "I believe you can find her around the bathhouse." 

Sango blinked. "Thank you." 

He shrugged and strolled away. She shook her head. _He says I'm dangerous?_ Sango walked towards the village, willing her hand to stop tingling. 

*** 

_And if you go  
Furious angels will bring you back to me_


	11. Say Goodnight

Sorry for the wait! Writer's block on top of everything else, you know. ....Whee, resorting to lame excuses. Hopefully things'll start clicking a little faster now. 

Anyway! Thanks to my betas: Merith, Chris, and Kat. And, as always, massive love to Niamh, who recently became a fanart-inspiring author. I'm so proud. 

Chapter title and epigraph is from "My Last Breath," by Evanescence. 

*** 

_Hold on to me, love  
You know I can't stay long  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?_

*** 

The horizon glowed with the promise of warmth as the dawn flushed the sky. Sango scratched Kirara's ruff as Miroku carried the last of their supplies out of Kaede's hut. They'd spent a good portion of the previous night in restless consultation with the old miko before trying to sleep. By mutual unspoken agreement, Inuyasha had been left alone with Kagome. Kaede followed along, regarding them soberly. "You've decided on the best way to proceed?" 

"I hope so," Miroku said. "We'll need to go out a distance from the village and then travel in a circle. The point in the circle where Kagome-sama weakens the most is the direction we need to travel in." 

Kaede grimaced. "I understand your plan, houshi-dono, but...." 

"Believe me, Kaede-sama, if I were convinced there was a way to do this without endangering her further...." Miroku trailed off and shook his head. 

"I think it's the best decision," Sango said. "Not an easy decision, but a necessary one." 

"I have faith in all of you," Kaede said. "But I must admit my own heart quails at the choice." She sighed. "Now. You both remember what I taught you: how to measure Kagome's heartbeat?" 

Miroku nearly smiled. "I remember, yes, but I don't think I'll be the one checking it." 

Sango glared at him without any real anger. "I just don't think, houshi-sama, that she needs to worry about your wandering hands on top of every thing else." 

"My dear Sango, I hardly ever molest the unconscious." 

She shrugged and hefted Hiraikotsu to her shoulder. "Only remember, if your hand slips around Kagome-chan, I'm the least of your fears." 

"Perhaps houshi-dono should stay here, that he might better avoid temptation," Kaede offered dryly. 

Miroku held up a placating hand. "No, no. I know how serious the situation is. I'll behave." 

"A miracle," Sango murmured. 

"I look forward to your return," Kaede said, "with Kagome awake and well." 

"Then I'll fetch Inuyasha," Miroku said, "so we may return soon." He strolled off towards the quarantine hut. 

"Hey, guys," Shippo yawned, pushing aside the door flap. "When are we gonna...." He trailed off, staring at Sango with large, accusing eyes. She shifted nervously. "You're leaving without me," Shippo said, voice devoid for once of histrionics. 

Sango sighed and walked over to the kitsune, crouching down to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, Shippo. We just thought...." She sighed. "Kagome might not live through this. We wanted to make it easier for you." 

Shippo nodded slowly. "I want to come." 

Kaede frowned. "But--" 

"No!" Shippo scowled up at her. "You guys all think that just 'cause I'm a kid, I can't cope with stuff. But I've been here longest, and if anybody else gets to take care of Kagome, it's me. She took care of me after my dad died, and...." He swallowed. 

Sango felt her eyes sting. _Gods. How did I forget that Shippo's an orphan too?_ "You're right," she said softly. "We didn't think." 

A hoarse voice cut in. "The kid comes." Sango glanced up to see Inuyasha watching Shippo inscrutably. 

Shippo stared at Inuyasha. "Really?" 

Inuyasha shrugged, only slightly hindered by the blanket-wrapped girl in his arms. "I ain't carryin' water." 

Shippo beamed. "Lemme get my crayons!" He scrambled back into the hut. 

"Do you think that's wise, Inuyasha?" Kaede said. 

"He's right," Inuyasha said simply. "Kagome takes care of him, so he should take care of her." He looked down at Kagome. "She'd want him to." 

_Oh, hell,_ thought Sango and bit back the fresh sting of tears. Miroku moved to stand behind her, staff jingling softly as if to reassure her. Shippo scampered out the door, crayons and paper tied into a bundle. "Okay," he said, "I'm ready." 

Sango slid onto Kirara's back, hiding a smile as Shippo made sure to separate her and the monk. Kaede nodded to them solemnly. "You will be in my prayers until your safe return." 

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Look, we're just gonna go kick Kanna's pasty ass until Kagome wakes up. This ain't that big a deal." With that pithy observation, he dashed towards the woods. 

Miroku coughed. "Obviously, it's past time to leave. We'll see you soon, Kaede-sama." 

Sango nodded her own farewell, then patted Kirara. "Let's go." The fire youkai rose smoothly into the air, striding after Inuyasha. 

Kaede watched them recede until Kirara vanished into the trees. "I pray to the gods it's that easy, Inuyasha," she said softly to the quiet morning air. 

*** 

By midday, the group had only managed to cover about half of the circle's perimeter. Kagome's heartbeat had showed no signs of slowing further at any of the stops they'd made. It was, Sango thought, ironic that her friend's lack of deterioration should be such a mixed blessing. She sat back from scrubbing the small iron pot in which she'd cooked lunch. She, Miroku, and Shippo had split the stew between them; she'd made some ramen especially for Inuyasha, although he hadn't eaten it yet. She sighed. _He's drifting away from us. It's almost like there's nothing else for him in the world._

She picked up the pot and walked slowly back to the camp. Miroku stood a safe distance away from Shippo and Inuyasha. Shippo was scolding Inuyasha. "You gotta eat, dammit! How are you gonna take care of her right if you don't eat?" 

"Shut up, brat," Inuyasha said, without a trace of his usual snap. He'd very carefully propped Kagome up against his shoulder and was coaxing some of the broth from the ramen down her throat. 

Shippo folded his arms. "Come on, eat the damn noodles. I'm not explaining to her how you made yourself sick." 

"I'll eat them if it means you'll shut up," Inuyasha said a bit more tartly. Shippo nodded. 

Sango chuckled softly. "I guess bringing him along was a good idea." 

Miroku looked over his shoulder at her. "He distracts Inuyasha from being completely focused on Kagome-sama, which I suppose is a good thing." 

She nodded, watching Shippo with fond eyes. "And... maybe Kagome-chan can feel Shippo's presence as well. Maybe." She sighed and pressed gentle fingers between her eyes. "I hope so." 

He turned. "How are you holding up?" 

"I've been worse," Sango said. "Mostly I'm... impatient. I keep thinking we should have made more headway." 

"I know what you mean," Miroku said. "When I suggested this plan, I hadn't thought of how tedious it was likely to be." 

Sango smiled briefly, setting the pot next to the fire and tilting it so that it would dry faster. "But even if it had occurred to you, would you really have avoided suggesting it? Just because it was too slow?" 

"No," he said after a moment of thought. "This is too important." He looked back at Inuyasha, who had finally started eating, although the process was complicated by the fact that the hanyou still refused to put Kagome down. A sad expression flickered over the monk's face. 

"The fastest route is not necessarily the wisest one," Sango said. She hesitated, then placed a gentle hand on Miroku's shoulder. "I have faith in your plan, houshi-sama." 

"Thank you," he said softly. He turned and walked to a soft patch of grass, seating himself. Sango sat next to him, drawing her knees up to her chest. The warm sun soaked into her shoulders and the top of her head, and she had nearly nodded off before Miroku spoke again. "I had no intention of staying with them at first." 

She jerked her head up. "Hmmm?" 

He smiled at her with the trace of an apology. "Kagome-sama and Inuyasha." 

"Oh." 

"Did I ever tell you how I met them?" 

Sango shook her head, noting the distant fond expression in the monk's eyes. _Funny. I don't think I've ever seen houshi-sama this talkative._

Miroku cleared his throat. "Well... I was looking for jewel shards, when I happened across them. I noticed that Kagome-sama had a rather impressively large shard, so...." He shrugged. "Of course, I didn't know who she was at the time, or why she had them. I decided I needed them more than she did, so I... borrowed them, as well as that 'bicycle.'" 

Sango's eyebrows arched. "You knew how to ride it?" 

Miroku shrugged. "I watched her do it. And I have an excellent sense of balance." 

She chuckled softly. "If you say so." 

He nodded. "Of course, while I was borrowing the 'bicycle' and the jewel shards, I also borrowed Kagome-sama... accidentally." 

"You _what?"_

Miroku hid a smile. "Borrowed her. Accidentally." 

Sango shook a head, feeling her lips threaten to curve into a smile of their own. "You kidnapped her." 

"I wasn't going to _hurt_ her," Miroku protested. His smile grew as Sango shook her head, shoulders trembling with what he suspected was repressed laughter. "And if you ask her, she'd tell you that when she made her escape from me, I made no attempt to stop her." His voice dropped conspiratorially. "But she somehow forgot her shards." 

Sango snorted. "I'm sure her memory had a lot to do with it." 

Miroku clapped a hand to his chest. "My dear Sango, are you suggesting I'm a common pickpocket?" 

She shook her head. "Houshi-sama, there's nothing quite common about you. I've learned that much, at least." 

He leaned towards her, eyes twinkling. "I believe that was almost a compliment." 

She met his gaze with a bland expression. "I suppose that all depends on your interpretation." 

Miroku nodded sagely. "At any rate, Kagome-sama and Inuyasha followed me to retrieve their property. After one or two minor misunderstandings, we came to a mutual consensus." 

Sango muffled another laugh. "I see." 

"All things considered, she was more patient with me than I had any right to expect." 

"She has an almost infinite amount of patience." Sango sighed, watching Inuyasha ignore Shippo, who was trying to get him to eat another container of ramen. "You know...." 

"Yes?" 

"I never thought of this before." Sango put her hands behind herself, leaning back and tipping her face up to the sun. "The Shikon-no-Tama is supposed to corrupt the hearts of all who possess it, youkai and man alike. With, obviously, one exception." She swallowed. "It's always been believed in my vi-- it's always been believed that nothing good can come from the jewel. But the five of us are here because of it." She paused. "It brought us together." Miroku nodded slowly, obviously thinking this over. Sango smiled inadvertently. _He always listens, even if I'm saying something I think is completely stupid._ Her brows creased faintly. _What am I thinking?_

"That's not completely surprising, is it?" Miroku said finally. "That it brought us together? Which I'm assuming is a good thing, by the way." She nodded. "Joy and sorrow, after all, are so closely entwined. I'd say that there's only so much evil it can create before it must create some form of good." 

Sango lay down, stretching on the soft grass. "That's a peculiar argument." She thought for a moment. "But... it makes some kind of sense." 

"An argument of mine? Shocking." He smiled at her snort of derision, but the smile faded as his gaze landed once more on Inuyasha and Kagome. The hanyou had loosened the blanket from her head and shoulders and was combing her hair absently with his claws while Shippo drew something, holding it up occasionally. Miroku swallowed. "You know.... When I was younger, I thought love was all nonsense." 

Sango puzzled inwardly at his tone. "I... can see where you might think that," she said warily. 

"But," Miroku continued, his voice softening further, "I think I've changed my mind." 

Sango lifted her head and saw what he was seeing. She felt her heart clench for Kagome. "I see." 

Miroku shook himself and grinned over at her in a lightning change of mood. "You've found me out, Sango. I'm in love with Inuyasha." His grin only widened as she pulled up a handful of grass and threw it at him. 

"Congratulations, houshi-sama," she said dryly as the grass showered down over him. "I'm sure you'll both be very happy." She paused. "Although the repercussions for your quest are somewhat... severe." 

He actually fluttered his lashes at her and she snickered. "What does it matter, as long as I'm near my true love?" She rolled over onto her stomach, letting the heat soak into her shoulders through her bodysuit. "No," Miroku said after a moment, in a still half-joking tone, "Kagome-sama is welcome to him." Sango felt rather than saw the shadow pass over his face. "Gods." 

"I know," she murmured to the grass. "I almost forgot too." 

"It's so hard," Miroku said softly. "When so much of your heart is tied to another's. When your life is no longer your own. It's like the jewel. It can both corrupt and purify." He lay down next to her, setting his staff aside. 

Sango tensed for a moment, then relaxed as he folded his arms under his head. _Odd. I thought for certain he'd ruin the moment._ "You almost envy it," she said softly. "Then you see the hurt that can come from it." A memory of Kagome's face, looking both pained and loving, flickered in her mind. "But... you envy them anyway." 

"Oh, yes," Miroku said, equally soft. _He envies them as well?_ She sighed, letting it trail into a quiet chuckle. "Love shortens the memory. It must." She folded her arms under her head, pillowing her cheek on them. 

"How do you mean?" Miroku said lazily. She opened her eyes to see him regarding her gravely. Her stomach flipped. 

"Um.... Only that love is..." She paused, chewing her lip. "It can hurt you so much. It can cause misery, sadness... agonizing pain. But at the same time, it can make you so happy that it doesn't matter how much pain it's caused you. We learn from being burned by a flame; we never want to repeat that experience. But love... doesn't do that." 

"That's what I hear," Miroku said after a moment. 

She colored slightly. "So. Short memory." 

"Thank you for clarifying," he said. His gaze remained on hers for long moments. By the time he looked away, she wasn't certain she was breathing properly. She shrugged off the twinge of disappointment, blaming it on lack of air. _I'm certainly not bothered he's not looking at me anymore._ After another long silence, Miroku said, "I was in love with a girl once." 

Sango blinked. Numerous responses to _that_ opening gambit raced through her mind, but she eventually settled on a cool, "You don't say." 

Miroku smiled. "I was seven. She must have been, oh, Kagome-sama's age." 

Sango pictured it for a moment: a little boy with wide violet eyes and an irrepressible grin. Her own smile turned wry for a moment. _I bet even back then he was too charming for his own good._

"She was a kind girl," Miroku continued. "She sold rice with her family; I saw her whenever Mushin and I went into town. She'd always slip me a sweet dumpling and pretend to be impressed when I tried to carry the rice all by myself." 

She nodded, letting her imagination form the image: the little boy attempting to hoist a bag of rice almost as large as he was, the girl smiling and applauding when he managed to carry it a few steps. Her brows drew together as she realized she'd put herself in for the girl. _Stop that._

"One day, I told Mushin I was going to marry her." Miroku's smile turned mocking. "I was seven, after all. And...." His voice trailed off. 

Sango looked up when he didn't continue. His eyes had darkened and he was frowning at some inner pain. "Houshi-sama?" 

He sat up. "Well. He was drunk." 

She sat up as well. "Houshi-sama," she said, more gently, touching his arm. 

"Yes?" Miroku said tonelessly. 

"Are you... all right?" 

He nodded. "He was just trying to save me from myself." 

Sango bit her lip. Part of her was whispering that she shouldn't ask, telling her that she did not want to uncover this corner of Miroku's soul. But.... "What... happened?" 

Miroku didn't answer for a long moment. Finally, he said in the same colorless voice, "He said that if I loved her, I should never tell her. Never show her in any way. That it was the best thing I could do for her." 

Sympathy knotted Sango's throat closed. She'd forgotten to add that detail in her mental picture of the little boy: a smaller version of the gauntlet and rosary that the man beside her wore. _I didn't know he'd had the Kazaana that long._ Miroku sat perfectly still, eyes fixed on his gauntlet... or, more probably, on the beads wrapped around his wrist. She reached out very slowly and traced over the rosary with gentle fingers. "He was wrong," she said softly. 

"How so?" he said with neutral curiosity, as if she'd presented him with an interesting philosophical question. 

"Because...." She hesitated. "Because, houshi-sama, if you didn't ever tell or show it.... All you'd have is uncertainty. Is that really better?" She held up a hand to forestall the words she was sure he was going to say: reminding her of his curse and the fact that uncertainty was all he'd known his entire life. "Let me finish. 

"Say you did hide it. Say you followed Mushin's advice and kept it all to yourself. You'd live your whole life never knowing how she felt in return. You'd exist in silence and she'd live in ignorance. You'd play it safe. But... if you did say something... then she'd know. And so would you. And even if... your curse...." Her voice trailed off, throat tightening at the thought of the Kazaana drawing Miroku inexorably into its unrelenting depths. "Even if you died.... You'd die knowing you weren't afraid. And she would know that you'd loved her. You would have had that time together, no matter how short it was. It's worth the risk, isn't it? Because, after all, nothing's guaranteed. We don't know what the future holds." 

He said absolutely nothing for so long, she began to wonder if she'd bored him to sleep. She glanced up from where her gaze had fixed on his hand, only to find him watching her with a thoughtfulness she'd never seen before. Her heart tripped in her chest. "So... Mushin was wrong," she concluded lamely. "What he suggested... that was the coward's way." 

Miroku nodded slowly. "And would you say it's worth telling her -- hypothetically -- even if she doesn't return my feelings?" 

Sango shrugged. "If she doesn't... what have you lost?" 

He smiled. "Even if my heart shatters?" 

"You'd get over it. Short memory, remember?" 

He leaned in suddenly, and she cursed silently as her pulse jumped again. "But I could never forget her," he said earnestly, "no matter how many hits to the head I sustain." 

Sango swallowed as the flutter in her pulse moved from her throat to her stomach. "We could... test that theory. But you'd probably live anyway." 

Miroku laughed. "I have to, don't I?" His smile was warm. "Who else would keep your reflexes honed?" 

"If that's what it takes to keep you alive, houshi-sama." Sango blinked. _Did I really say that?_

Very casually, Miroku turned her hand over from where it had been resting on his and dropped a kiss in her palm, folding her fingers over it. While she was gaping in astonishment, he got to his feet and picked up his staff, strolling over to where Shippo and Inuyasha were quarrelling about something. 

Sango stared after him. Her palm burned with the memory of his lips against her skin. Were they really that soft? Was it possible they'd lingered just a moment too long? _Would it feel like that if he kissed me on the mouth?_ Her face flamed and she scrubbed her hand against the grass, trying to erase the sensation. _I am not thinking about that. I do not want that to happen. I am certainly not going to dream about it._

Miroku stopped a few feet away from the squabbling youkai. "You ate?" he asked Inuyasha, interrupting Shippo's tirade. 

Inuyasha nodded curtly. 

"Eventually," Shippo said. "Two containers." 

"Shut _up,_ runt." Miroku was secretly relieved to note that Inuyasha's demeanor resembled his more familiar one, instead of the quiet monosyllabic one of the recent days. 

Shippo glared back at Inuyasha. Miroku poked him gently with the end of his staff. "We need to encourage him, not beleaguer him." 

"I know." Shippo snorted. "I just keep reminding him, he's gotta take care of himself for Kagome." 

"I'm sure you're more than good about reminding him," Miroku said with a trace of sarcasm. 

Inuyasha heaved a sigh. "I _am_ takin' care of myself. I ate, okay? D'you want a damn list or something?" 

"You know...." Miroku said thoughtfully. 

"Forget it, bouzu." 

Miroku chuckled. "I believe it's time we moved on." 

Inuyasha nodded and got to his feet, re-wrapping Kagome in the blanket. Shippo set about packing up his crayons, and Miroku strolled back to Sango. He held out a hand to help her up. "Time to go, I think." He tried not to let his hand linger in hers, but the temptation was overwhelming. 

Sango gently drew her fingers out of his. "We shouldn't lose any more time," she said, and walked slowly towards where Kirara had been napping by the fire. He turned his attention to finishing the chores of the camp, carefully scraping dirt over the embers and packing away the pot from lunch. By the time he'd finished, she'd mounted Kirara and was waiting, watching him. He climbed onto the furry back behind her. Sango tried not to shiver as Miroku's warmth registered on her senses. Shippo clambered up between them, glancing curiously back and forth. 

"You guys ready?" Inuyasha called. 

Sango nodded and nudged Kirara gently with a knee. She bit her lip as the fire youkai lifted off, hoping desperately the monotony of the flight would keep her mind from wandering to the monk behind her. 

*** 

Kagome frowned as she watched the clouds boil in the sky over the forest. The weather had been steadily deteriorating as the grief in her heart had grown. A sense of panic gnawed at her nerves. _I wish I knew what's wrong. Everything was so lovely here, but now...._

"What is it?" Inuyasha said from behind her. 

She shook her head slowly. "I don't know." Kagome turned and met his gaze. "Can you feel it?" she said softly, pressing a hand to her heart. "So much sorrow and fear." 

He frowned for a moment. "No." 

Kagome bit her lip. A small voice inside her whispered that the other Inuyasha would understand, despite pretending not to. _It doesn't matter what he'd think. He's not here._ "Maybe... it's not important." 

"It's important if you think it is." Inuyasha took her gently by the shoulders. "It's been bothering you for days now. Tell me." 

Kagome sighed, sagging in his grasp. "I don't _know_. But something in my heart, in my soul, keeps telling me that I don't belong here." 

"Where else could you belong?" he said. 

She burrowed against his chest. "Back out there," she said softly. "Alone." 

His arms slid around her, one of his thumbs rubbing slow circles over her spine. "But you don't want to go back, do you?" he said. 

Kagome shook her head and clung harder. "No." _Go back out there? Alone? Where he never looks at me or touches me or...._ She drew in a steadying breath, letting his scent relax her. 

Inuyasha cleared his throat. "Kagome." She looked up and blinked; he was watching her steadily, eyes darkened to amber. "If you...." He paused. "I love you. I always will. No matter what happens. If you have to go back...." 

"I'm not leaving you," Kagome whispered. "I won't." She leaned up and kissed him as thunder cracked in the distance. 

*** 

_Look for me in the white forest  
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
I know you hear me  
I can taste it in your tears_


	12. Piece By Piece

I made it through the wilderness! Somehow I made it through! And I'm going to stop quoting Madonna songs before I hurt myself. Okay. 

Leftover Halloween candy for Merith. A new power supply for Kat, whose computer is apparently ill. And therapy for Teles, because Niamh's writer's block likes to kill off various characters in unpublished AUs to see what happens. This time around it's Sess. 

*** 

_Send me an angel to love  
I need to feel a little piece of heaven  
Send me an angel to love  
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven  
_

*** 

Inuyasha stirred slowly, cracking an eye open. He frowned and opened his other eye, puzzled. _We made camp to grab a couple hours' sleep. But that was after sunset, and we weren't anywhere near the fuckin' village. So how come I'm in my tree? And why's it day? The hell's goin' on?_ He pushed himself up, despite the warm lethargy that suffused him. _Don't care how damn tired I am. I gotta find out what's goin' on._

"Inuyasha?" 

He froze and turned slowly to look down. _It can't be. It can't. Please, gods, let it...._

Kagome stood at the foot of the tree, shading her eyes to look up at him. "You okay?" Inuyasha nodded, throat frozen shut. She grinned suddenly. "Well, get down here, and let's go!" 

He leaped down and grabbed her wrist. "Kagome--" 

She shook her head and took off, running towards the woods, towing him after her. "C'mon, it's getting late." 

Inuyasha dug in his heels. "No, wait." 

Kagome stopped. Her shoulders slumped. "I didn't think you'd go for it." 

He put his other hand on her shoulder. "...You're sick. We're tryin' to help you." He forced the words out, half surprised his throat worked. 

"I know," she said softly. She looked back at him, her smile turning sad. "I knew you would. I always did. Even when I didn't want to." 

"This ain't real, is it? Is... that even you?" 

Kagome turned and touched his face lightly. "Yeah." A frown crossed her face and she tipped her head from side to side. "Mostly, anyway. I'm sorry. I meant to get here sooner, but the threads bound me." 

Inuyasha blinked. "Threads?" Kagome bit her lip, visibly struggling for the words as her throat seemed to tighten around them. Alarmed, Inuyasha tightened his grasp on her hand. "Kagome?" 

"I can't," she blurted finally before sucking in a ragged breath. "I can't tell you. It won't let me." 

"What won't?" 

She shot him a look of pure annoyance that almost made him smile. "If I could tell you," she said very patiently, "I would. But the threads are tight" -- she rubbed her throat -- "so I can't." 

He nodded. "So... what can you tell me?" 

Kagome looked thoughtful and started walking with him again, leading him deeper into the woods. "Have you seen how a tapestry gets made?" 

Inuyasha snorted. "Girl shit." 

Kagome laughed. "Oh, come on." 

He shrugged elaborately. "Maybe a couple." 

"Do you know that the colors in them are mostly made by combining different colors of threads?" 

"Uh, okay...." Inuyasha frowned. "What's your point?" 

"Sometimes... we see colors in them that aren't really there. That are only created by the combinations of threads." She shook her head. "You're looking at the weave so closely, you're not seeing what the shape of the picture is." 

"Kagome, what the hell are you talkin' about?" 

She sighed again. "I can't tell you more clearly." Her shoulders sagged. 

He tugged her to a stop. "Hey. You're tellin' me as much as you can, right?" Kagome nodded. Inuyasha reached up and combed her hair behind her ear with gentle fingers. "Then you're doin' fine." 

She bit her lip sharply. "There's one thing I can tell you." She closed her eyes, and said, as if quoting, "Just because the spell is broken doesn't mean the witch is dead." 

He frowned. "....That don't make any sense." He put his fingers over her mouth, unable to repress his grin as her eyes snapped fire at him. "I know, I know, you can't tell me." 

"You're so annoying," Kagome mumbled against his hand. 

Inuyasha swallowed, fingers traveling back across her cheek to linger in her hair. "Yeah." Unable to bear it any longer, he pulled her into a hug. "You can't fuckin' die, d'you hear me?" he whispered. "We'll do whatever we gotta to save you, but you have to hold on." 

"I know," Kagome whispered against his haori. "I'm trying. Believe me." 

"I can't lose you." She drew back to answer, but at that moment, a heavy bell began to toll solemnly. Inuyasha jumped. "The hell? There aren't any temples around...." 

Kagome shook her head. "No, that means it's midnight." 

"Midnight?" 

She nodded. "The ball's over. It's time to wake up." 

Inuyasha tightened his grasp on her reflexively. "No...." 

Kagome smiled sadly. "I'm sorry." She leaned up and kissed him softly. 

Inuyasha clung to her, desperately memorizing the texture of her mouth, her hair, her skin, even as she began to dissolve in his grasp. "Kagome," he whispered. "Please." 

Inuyasha jerked awake violently, shuddering. The quiet, inert weight of Kagome's body rested in his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, breathing in her scent. Had it grown fainter? He frowned. The clearing they'd stopped in for a few hours of sleep certainly seemed quieter. _Quieter. Shit._ Kagome's heartbeat had subsided to a faint, sluggish beat. The blanket shredded in his claws as he jerked it from her head. Her lips had darkened to purple, and as he lifted a shaking hand to brush her bangs back, the touch of her skin was icy. _No. No!_ Inuyasha leapt off his branch and strode over to Miroku, prodding him sharply with a foot. "Wake up." 

Miroku blinked fuzzily up at him. "Huh?" 

"She's worse," Inuyasha snapped. "We need to move. Now." 

*** 

The moon's fitful light seeped through the heavy clouds shielding it, filtering down through the shady canopy of leaves. It lit Inuyasha's path erratically, sometimes revealing the way through the tangled growth of brush, sometimes concealing it. In a distant corner of his mind, he was grateful he'd never relied on his eyes for running; if he had, he surely would have become hopelessly entangled or lost in the shadowed grey branches. But that small voice was a mere echo, lost in the chorus of determination that urged him onward. As he ran, he ignored the twigs that snarled themselves in his hair or lashed him across the face. He ignored the rocks that bruised the soles of his feet, and the roots that snagged his ankles. His eyes were turned forward, but his entire being was focused behind him. Every step he took was a beat he willed for Kagome's laboring heart. Every rasping breath was one he wished to force into her lungs. 

"Inuyasha!" Sango called. He didn't recognize her voice for a moment. "Inuyasha!" 

He skidded to a halt, trying not to begrudge her this moment lost. "What?" 

"Houshi-sama says he can feel powerful jaki up ahead. Even I can feel it. Be careful!" 

"Can he tell if it's Kanna?" Inuyasha yelled back. 

There was a brief silence before Sango replied. "No, only that it's powerful. And that it fades in and out. It's elusive, he says." 

Inuyasha nodded curtly, forgetting his human companions couldn't see it in the chiaroscuro of moonlight and shadow. He began to run again, crashing more heedlessly through the thickets. _Kagome. Hold on._ Abruptly the shrubs parted before him and he stumbled into a clearing. He stumbled to a halt, bewildered. 

The bushes and trees here were decorated with dozens of elegantly woven but colorless tapestries, each depicting a happily embracing couple. The tapestries seemed to glow with a dim light that illuminated the clearing, but leached all color from everything within it. A woman sat at a loom in the center of the clearing, as severely monochromatic as the weavings. She was well dressed in grey, and her hair fell in glossy black spirals to the mossy forest floor. Her hands flickered over the loom, weaving steadily, although she had no shuttle. The thread in her fingers gleamed a brilliant red as if in defiance. It almost hurt to look at it. 

"Who the hell are you?" Inuyasha snarled. 

The woman looked up, dark lips parted in surprise. The thread vanished from between her fingers. As Kirara touched down lightly behind him, the woman rose from the loom and took a few steps forward. "Kagome?" she breathed, looking beyond Inuyasha to the girl who lay limp in Miroku's arms. 

"She can't fuckin' answer you, on account of bein' asleep," he snapped. Inwardly, his mind was spinning. This was obviously not Kanna. Nor did she smell anything like Naraku. Was it possible they'd been wrong this whole time? _You're looking too closely at the weave,_ Kagome had said. 

The woman smiled. "Of course. How silly of me. It's only that I rarely get to meet my actors." She sat down at her loom again, perfectly at ease. "You're Inuyasha." 

Inuyasha's ears flattened back. "How the hell d'you know that?" 

"Kagome... told me, you could say." She began to weave again. 

"Told you?" Sango said from behind Inuyasha. 

"Mmmm. In her dreams." 

"And what do you know about Kagome-sama's dreams?" Miroku said. 

Her hands stilled on the fabric. "I've been helping her with them." 

"You?" Inuyasha said, feeling nauseated. "Then... Naraku don't have anything to do with this?" 

She frowned. "Naraku? I don't know who that is." 

"What are you?" Shippo squeaked. 

"My brethren and I live off the emotions of the dreaming," the woman answered. "Some prefer the sour tang of guilt, others like the salt of fear, or the bitterness of hatred." She patted the loom. "But I think of myself as a connoisseur. I prefer the sweetness of love. Especially love that holds its tongue in silent yearning." She smiled genially at Miroku, a malicious spark in her eyes. "It was so kind of you to bring dessert." 

"I've heard of you," Sango said slowly. "You weave people's souls into dreams." 

"You travel in educated company, Inuyasha. Yes. My name is Ai." 

"Naming yourself after the thing you feed on," Miroku drawled. "I suppose you think that's clever." He slid off Kirara's back and laid Kagome gently on the grass at his feet, before moving to stand between her and Ai. Sango joined him. Shippo crouched behind them, one tiny hand fisted in Kagome's shirt. 

"Clever? I preferred to think of it as a token of my esteem." Ai gestured at the tapestries ringing the clearing. "After all, I've savored so very many over the centuries." She sighed with a twinge of regret. "But your Kagome.... She's truly special." 

"Shut up," Inuyasha snarled. 

Ai lifted a hand. "I beg your pardon. It's only that I've never had an opportunity to relish a miko before. Especially not one with the purest of souls and a broken heart." 

Inuyasha winced. Sango hefted Hiraikotsu as Kirara let out a low snarl. "Leave him alone." 

Ai's smile turned poisonous. "Don't threaten me, little huntress. At least not until you've heard my offer." 

"Offer?" Sango echoed. 

"Consider," Ai said. "All of you. My craft lies in the weaving of dreamscapes that grant the heart's desire. You could rest from the weary pursuit that drives you." She drifted over to one of the tapestries and caressed it gently. The picture on it shifted and reformed to show a small hut, with a young boy sitting on the porch outside, practicing with a kusarigama. Sango sucked in her breath. "Your village, alive once more." Sango herself stepped into the image, smiling and saying something to the boy. She sat down next to him and Kirara leapt onto her lap, kneading gently with her paws. The door flap behind them lifted, and an older man looked out. 

"Stop," Sango whispered. 

"You do not wish this?" Ai asked. "Your father and brother restored?" 

"I believe the lady said no," Miroku said lightly. 

"Well, then, what about you?" Ai replied. The figures on the tapestry faded and blurred, then reformed. Miroku appeared, sitting quietly in a clearing, apparently meditating. Sango frowned, glancing sideways at the monk, whose face had gone still. The woven figure opened his eyes and smiled as three little girls hurtled into the image, throwing themselves on his knees. He tumbled over sideways, hands coming up to support the children. Sango gasped. Both of the monk's hands were bare. He wrestled amiably with the girls for a few moments, ending up pinned as one of them sat on his knees and one on each arm. One of the little girls glanced towards the watchers with wide violet eyes. 

Miroku folded his arms and tilted his head. "I think you got the ages of the girls wrong," he observed in a neutral voice. 

Ai smiled acidly. "Did I?" The man in the image lifted his head and the three girls looked off towards the side. The girls scrambled off him and he plucked one of them up as he stood, smiling warmly at someone who was evidently approaching. The other two girls threw themselves at the person. The image of Miroku reached out his bare, uncursed hand, and a slender feminine hand took it. 

"Very well," Miroku said, sounding a little more strained. "I've gotten the idea." 

The image froze moments before the woman stepped into the image. "You could tell her," Ai murmured. "You could tell her everything that's buried in your heart. Live the life you're afraid to hope for." 

Miroku shook his head slowly. "I'm a coward, but I know better than to live in illusions." 

"And so does Kagome," growled Inuyasha. "There's no way in hell she wants to die in your damn dream world." 

"But you don't know what I offered her," Ai purred. "You don't know what she dreams of, yearns for. Wouldn't you like to know what could possibly make your loyal, steadfast, _responsible_ Kagome turn her back on you?" 

Inuyasha swallowed, Kagome's hushed whisper -- was it only days ago she'd said it? -- drifting through his mind. _You're not him._

"Don't," Miroku said suddenly from behind him. "It's not worth it." 

Inuyasha shook his head. "I wanna know." He jerked his chin at Ai. "Show me." 

Ai turned back to the tapestry she'd been working on when they'd entered the clearing. "It's not quite finished, but I think you'll get the idea." She tilted the loom towards them. Miroku swore in a low, vicious stream of words, and Sango choked back a gasp. Kagome sat curled up in Inuyasha's lap, cuddled against his chest, eyes closed. He ran his claws slowly through her hair. She spoke, smiling, and he paused. She laughed and tilted her face up, eyes fluttering open. He leaned down and kissed her, fingers searching through her hair for the nape of her neck. Kagome reached up and cupped his face with a gentle hand as the kiss slowly deepened. 

Inuyasha stood, paralyzed. _Me. It was me._ Ai watched him with dark eyes, mouth curved. "She fought me so very hard," she murmured, stroking the loom fondly. "Kept clinging to her ideas about the loyalty she owes you and your friends. Part of her fights me still. But in the end, she craved being held more. And now I think she prefers it there." 

He drew Tetsusaiga slowly, eyes bleak and dark. "Give her back," Inuyasha said quietly. "And maybe I won't fuckin' kill you as slowly as I'd like to." 

Ai raised an eyebrow. "But you don't understand," she said. "I can put you in the dream with her. That can be you. Think of it, Inuyasha. The two of you together, alone, free from all that haunts you." 

"I want her here, alive, with me," he snarled. "Now _give her back."_

"I can't do that," Ai said, smiling. "I told you, she doesn't want to leave." 

Inuyasha charged forward with a roar. Ai ducked to the side, splaying her hands out. Threads shot forth, but parted as they met the blade of Tetsusaiga. "Duck!" Sango yelled and Inuyasha dropped and rolled as Hiraikotsu flew over his head. Ai screamed as the boomerang slammed into her, but she staggered to her feet, unhurt. Hiraikotsu dug into the dirt several feet away from Sango, deflected. Inuyasha frowned briefly as a memory teased him. Kagome, chipping at a skull with an arrow, breaking the comb inside. 

"Get the loom!" he yelled. 

"No!" screamed Ai. More threads burst from her fingers, wrapping around him. Sango ran to retrieve Hiraikotsu from where it had fallen. Kirara leapt into the fray, snarling and slashing at Ai with her fangs, driving the weaver away from the loom. Miroku dashed forward and flung an ofuda at the loom, striking the weaving. It tore from top to bottom. Ai flung back her head and shrieked. The threads binding Inuyasha went slack. Without bothering to brush them off, he lifted Tetsusaiga and swung, cleaving through Ai's body crosswise. 

Ai collapsed to the ground, coughing. Dark blood streamed from her lips. She lifted her head and spat. "It's... not over." Her eyes closed, and her body unraveled into a heap of thread. Around the clearing, the tapestries fell to ash. 

Inuyasha straightened, then walked carefully over to Kagome and knelt next to her. She was still unconscious. "C'mon," he said softly, brushing her bangs back. "You can wake up now." Shippo nodded in agreement, patting her cheeks. 

Miroku knelt across from Inuyasha, checking Kagome's pulse, a small frown on his face. "Her heartbeat's a little stronger, but...." 

_Just because the spell is broken doesn't mean the witch is dead._ Inuyasha lifted his head. "It's not over yet." 

*** 

The storm lashed Kagome and Inuyasha with a furious howl. They'd tried running back to the village to take shelter, but the dreamscape no longer extended to the village. Their entire world had shrunk to the storm and the tree where they clung to each other. Kagome tried to hide under Inuyasha's haori, but it provided poor shelter from the rain that drummed on her head and stung her skin. Slowly, the sting ceased and she lifted her head. 

"The storm's gone," Inuyasha said hoarsely. 

"Everything's gone," Kagome breathed, looking around. Where the tree and the storm clouds had been was only a black expanse of space. She looked back at Inuyasha, confused. 

"It's over," he said softly. 

"What?" 

He shook his head. "I don't know what happened, but..." He sighed. "I can't stay." 

"No," Kagome cried softly, clinging to him more tightly. "Don't leave me." 

Inuyasha sighed, rocking her. "You don't wanna be here anyway, remember? This ain't where you belong." 

She bit her lip, looking up at him. "But...." 

"I'll never leave you, okay?" he said, tracing her face gently. "I'm gonna give you my strength and it's gonna get you through this." 

Kagome closed her eyes and felt the tears spill down her face. Inuyasha caught them on his fingers. "I'll miss you," she said. 

"I'm never gone," he said. Inuyasha leaned down and kissed her softly. Kagome kept her eyes closed, feeling his mouth on hers growing lighter and softer until it faded away altogether. 

"I love you," she whispered to the darkness. And then, since there was nothing else to be done, she sat down and drew her knees up to her chest, waiting for what was going to happen next. 

*** 

"How do you know it's not over yet?" Miroku said. 

Inuyasha shook his head, looking around the clearing. "Don't matter. Sango? What else do you know about soul-stealing youkai? 

"Um...." Sango shifted from foot to foot, frowning. "Just... about the spells getting stronger the closer they are." She stopped and her frown deepened. "I think.... The only way to make sure that the victim survives is to kill the recipient. That _usually_ means the caster, but...." 

"Obviously not," Miroku said. He sat back with a sigh. "Damn it. We went through all that, and we're not any closer to saving Kagome-sama. How the hell are we going to find the person who's got her soul?" 

"How, indeed?" a cool voice said. 

Inuyasha stiffened, a prickle of dread trickling down his spine. _Oh, fuck. No. No._

A shadowy figure detached itself from the perimeter and walked slowly towards the center of the clearing, pausing by the pile of burnt, blackened threads that had been Ai. "I was prepared to kill her, but this works just as well. Thank you for doing that." Shippo lifted a shaking hand, blue foxfire burning on his palm. Kikyo inclined her head. "Inuyasha." 

Inuyasha closed his eyes, his sick feeling of premonition confirmed. "Kikyo." 

*** 

_Between these walls  
And darkened halls  
I've done my time  
If I should die  
Before I wake  
Then you'll know why_


	13. You Oughta Know

How about a little _angst_, Scarecrow? *cackle* 

Yeah. Okay. 

Ruby slippers for my betas, Merith and Kat. A kiss on the forehead from the Good Witch of the North for Niamh; hopefully that'll help with the writer's block. Please do not ask me why I'm babbling about the Wizard of Oz. I don't know. (Something about a girl and her little dog, maybe?) 

Chapter title and epigraph are from, of course, "You Oughta Know," by Alanis Morissette. *checks her spelling* Right. Morissette. 

*** 

_I'm here to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away  
It's not fair to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me _

*** 

The moon peeked from behind tattered clouds, shining fitfully into the clearing. The silver of its light blended with Shippo's blue foxfire, haloing Kikyo with an eerie aura. What little appearance of humanity she had was stripped away by the glow and she looked more unearthly than ever, as if carved from the purest marble instead of cast from clay. Kikyo studied Ai's body quietly, ignoring Inuyasha, who stood staring at her with stricken eyes. 

"You're the one who's behind this?" Miroku asked when it became clear Inuyasha was bereft of speech. Kikyo nodded absently. She stretched her hand out and closed it on empty air. Brilliant light shimmered around her fist for a brief moment before she opened her hand to reveal a jewel shard, which she tucked into her sleeve. Sango sucked in a breath in recognition. Miroku swallowed. "Did you make her do that? Were you controlling Kagome-sama when she did that?" 

"No," Kikyo said, a sharp edge creeping into her voice. "She did that all on her own. She reached into _me_ and took the knowledge." 

"But how did she manage that? She's never been able to do such a thing before." 

"She could do it because the piece of my soul that lies in me has been reunited with what lies in her." Kikyo glanced past Miroku to where Kagome still lay insensate on the ground. 

Miroku nodded slowly. "I see. That's how Ai got involved in this. You got her to weave Kagome-sama's soul, not into a dream, but into you." 

_"My_ soul," Kikyo corrected. 

He ignored her words. "Did you give her the jewel shard or did she already have it? Either way, you knew she needed one, since Kagome-sama is resistant to spells of this type. If you gave it to her, did you tell her she'd get to keep it, or did she make that assumption?" 

Kikyo narrowed her eyes. "Does it matter? As the guardian of the jewel, I couldn't let her keep it." 

"Kagome-chan is the guardian," Sango said quietly. She hefted Hiraikotsu, taking a slow step towards Kikyo. "How could you do this?" 

"I am merely taking back what belongs to me," Kikyo snapped. 

"It's Kagome's!" Shippo cried. 

"Doesn't it matter to you that it's killing her?" Sango stretched out her other hand in supplication. "You're a miko, like she is. You're supposed to heal people." 

A look of infinite weariness flickered across Kikyo's face. "Don't think that I relish what I am doing," she said softly. "I take no joy in this. I wish her no harm." 

"Then stop," Sango pleaded. "It's not too late." 

Kikyo shook her head. She looked back at Inuyasha, holding his gaze with hers. "Do you know what it's like to wander from village to village? To chill the hearts of those you try to help? To find no joy, no rest, no peace anywhere? I'm tired. I'm tired of feeding on the souls of others. If...." She stopped. 

Inuyasha shook his head slowly. "You think... what? You think if you do this, we're gonna go back to where we were fifty years ago? You think it's gonna be you and me again?" 

"We can set things right," Kikyo said. "We can take our revenge on Naraku for what he did to us, and then...." 

Inuyasha let loose a sharp bark of laughter. "What? Live out the rest of our lives? It ain't gonna happen, Kikyo." 

She frowned. "Why not?" 

"You're not gettin' the rest of Kagome's soul." He hefted Tetsusaiga. "I can't let you kill her. I _won't_ let you kill her." 

Kikyo's frown deepened. "You won't... let me?" 

"No." Inuyasha stepped in front of Kagome's body. "I won't let you." 

Shock twisted Kikyo's face, quickly giving way to rage. "You said you would protect _me,"_ she hissed. 

"She needs me." Inuyasha's voice was soft. 

_"I_ need you." 

He laughed again. "Yeah, you need me to stand aside and let you finish what you're doin'." 

Kikyo stared at him, struck speechless. "You would really attack me," she said finally. "That nightmare we endured... you would make it real." 

"Don't," Inuyasha growled. 

She gazed at him for another moment. "Very well," she said. All human warmth had gone from her voice, leaving her as cold as the moonlight. She began to walk towards him. 

Miroku stepped up next to Inuyasha, lifting his staff. Sango joined him on Inuyasha's other side, Hiraikotsu hefted behind her. Shippo climbed onto Kirara's back, and the two of them bared their fangs at Kikyo. Miroku smiled at her. "I really, really wouldn't, if I were you." 

Kikyo paused. Deliberately, she unslung her bow from her shoulder and nocked an arrow. Inuyasha swore under his breath, but didn't move. She nodded and took aim, pointing the arrow at Shippo. 

"H-hey!" he squeaked. 

"Can you block me before I hit him?" she asked Inuyasha conversationally. 

"A better question is, can you get that arrow off before I take off your head?" Sango snapped. A tiny smile curved Kikyo's mouth and she fired at Miroku. He threw himself to the side, but his reflexes were slowed by surprise and he took the arrow in the shoulder. 

Sango hurled Hiraikotsu, aiming without hesitation for the miko's head. A shimmering barrier flickered into being around Kikyo, deflecting the boomerang to the side. "Damn it!" Sango dashed forward to regain her weapon. 

Kikyo aimed and fired again at Shippo, but Kirara launched them skyward. Kikyo ran towards Kagome, and Inuyasha met her. The instant before he swung to cut her down, she locked her hands in his robes and sent her power surging through him. He hurtled backwards, striking a tree and sliding downwards to lie in an unconscious heap at its foot. She looked at him with the barest hint of regret. 

"I didn't want to," she murmured. 

Miroku pushed himself to his feet, clutching his shoulder. "We could tell from your hesitation." 

Sango lifted Hiraikotsu, placing herself between Miroku and Kagome. "Stay with her, houshi-sama." She inclined her head to Kikyo. "Shall we see how long you can keep that barrier up?" 

Kikyo only smiled coldly. 

*** 

Kagome lifted her head. Had she dozed off? Somehow, without her noticing, the landscape around her had shifted. Two brooks burbled past, one on either side of her, sparkling in the sunlight. But there was nothing other than the water. For as far as she could see, the grassy plain was bare of tree or rock. Kagome got to her feet, curious, and began to follow the water. For a long while, she saw nothing before her but the endless stretch of grass and the twin streams. Slowly, however, the streams began to draw together. Shading her eyes, she could see that they appeared to join at a point not far off, although they appeared to diverge again almost immediately. 

As she approached the junction, Kagome realized that the reason the streams appeared to diverge again was that there was a huge mirror stretching from sky to ground just at the point where the streams met. And someone was walking towards her as she approached the mirror. She stopped when she realized that it wasn't her reflection, but Kikyo on the other side of the mirror. Kikyo stopped as she did. Kagome squashed the urge to see if Kikyo really would mimic her every movement, and drew near the mirror. The woman looking back at her had a gentle smile, without any of the cold reserve Kagome was used to. After a moment, Kikyo spoke. "Through me lies the way out." 

Kagome bit her lip. "There's no other way?" 

Kikyo shook her head. "You can't even go back." 

The two women gazed at each other for a moment. Finally Kagome bowed her head. "All right." 

Kikyo smiled sadly. "Then walk through the mirror." 

"But first--" Kagome looked up. "I'm sorry. I wish...." 

"No regrets," Kikyo murmured. "I am the beginning. You are the end. This is how it must be. Finish the story for both of us, Higurashi Kagome." 

Kagome took a deep breath. "Okay." 

Kikyo lifted her hands, placing her palms flat against the glass. Kagome mirrored her gesture. Glass yielded to flesh as their fingers interlaced and Kagome stepped through the mirror. 

*** 

Kagome's eyes flickered open. Her body felt heavy, stiff, and cold, and she wasn't sure she could move. But she could feel Inuyasha nearby, and in her newly awakened daze, she almost thought she could feel him calling to her. She struggled against the burden of her own body, trying desperately to sit up. 

Miroku saw the movement out of the corner of his eye and glanced over at her, eyes going wide. "Kagome-sama?" 

Kagome nodded, arms wobbling as she tried to brace herself. "Help me...." 

Sango glanced over her shoulder in shock. "Kagome-chan!" Making sure to shield Kagome with Hiraikotsu, she stopped, helping Miroku prop Kagome into a sitting position. Miroku winced as Kagome jarred his shoulder. 

"Sorry," she gasped. 

"Are you sure this is wise?" Sango said worriedly as Kagome tried to get her feet under her. 

"She's mine to deal with, Sango-chan," Kagome said softly. 

Sango met her friend's gaze for a moment, weighing the resolution she saw. "Okay," she said finally, and helped Kagome to her feet. 

Kikyo watched dispassionately. "I suppose I should be impressed by your resilience." 

"I'm not trying to impress you," Kagome breathed. She inhaled and took a careful step away from Sango and Miroku. "I'm just trying... to make things right." 

Inuyasha stirred, opening his eyes. "Kagome?" he whispered. Somehow, she heard and graced him with a smile of infinite radiance and love before turning back to Kikyo. He pushed himself up. "Kagome...." 

Kikyo narrowed her eyes and nocked an arrow, pointing it at Kagome's heart. "I don't want to do this," she said softly. "But I will. Don't mistake me." 

"Don't, Kikyo," Inuyasha called hoarsely. "I'll do whatever you want, but don't--" 

Kikyo gave no indication she'd heard him. Kagome took a deep breath. "This doesn't have anything to do with him," she said softly. 

"No," Kikyo replied coolly. "It doesn't even have anything to do with you." 

"I know." 

"I don't want to kill you." Kikyo drew the bowstring back a little farther. "But I am going to do what I must." And she loosed the arrow. 

Inuyasha staggered forward, reaching out. Kagome bit her lip and a barrier shimmered into being around her. The arrow struck it and ricocheted to the side, landing harmlessly in the dirt. Kikyo lowered the bow, glaring at Kagome. "I don't want to kill you either," Kagome said a little more strongly. "But you can't have my soul. It's not yours anymore." 

"And what are you going to do about it?" Kikyo asked. 

"I'm going to take it back," Kagome replied. White flame burst forth from the earth, swallowing both mikos. 

*** 

_I am the priestess of my village, and the Guardian of the Shikon no Tama. _

I am a seventeen-year-old high school student, and the Guardian of the Shikon no Tama. 

I love Inuyasha, and I will make him pay for betraying me. 

I love Inuyasha, and I will never betray him. 

Do you remember? The first time I saw him, he was a wild thing, hunting through the forests. 

Do you remember? The first time I saw him, he was asleep, pinned by an arrow to the God Tree. 

Stay with me forever. 

Let me stay with you forever. 

Will you become human and free us both? 

Will you stay hanyou and find freedom for yourself? 

Meet me at dawn, and I will bring you the jewel. 

I will give you the jewel on the night our quest is finished. 

I know you love me. Do you love her? 

I know you love her. Do you love me? 

Why does she always come between us? 

Why.... 

*** 

A chorus of screams rang through the clearing. Miroku held Sango firmly by the arm as she pushed at him, trying to run to Kagome. Shippo struggled, the back of his gi snagged in Kirara's teeth. But no one was holding Inuyasha. He hurled himself across the clearing, slamming into Kagome's pillar. Magic cracked and spit, knocking him back several feet. Inuyasha clambered to his feet. 

"Don't!" Miroku snapped. "There's enough power in that flame to--" He cut himself off as Inuyasha, eyes wild, hurled himself at the pillar again. Once more he was knocked back. This time he stayed down, digging his claws into the ground, eyes fixed on the shadow in the heart of the flame. The fire ebbed and flickered out. Kagome seemed unharmed, but as her frightened friends watched, she slowly began to fall. 

Inuyasha leaped to his feet and dashed forward, catching her. "Kagome? Kagome!" He rocked her, clutching her to his heart. "C'mon... wake up." She sighed softly, stirring in his arms. Color was returning to her cheeks, and he could hear her heart beating stronger with every moment. The wave of relief washing through him was so strong he felt tears sting his eyes. 

"Inuyasha?" she murmured. 

"I'm right here, Kagome," he whispered, running his hand through her bangs. 

A frown crossed her face. "Inuyasha...." A sudden violent paroxysm shook her and she sat bolt upright in his arms. "Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?" She slumped back down, breathing subsiding into the regular rhythm of exhausted sleep. 

Inuyasha couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. Terror froze his tears before they could fall. Fear iced his muscles, his blood, his bones, so that he was certain that if he tried to move, he'd shatter like glass. He could barely bring himself to acknowledge Miroku as the monk approached them with quiet footsteps. 

"She didn't know what she was saying," Miroku said. 

Inuyasha forced himself to nod, and laid Kagome tenderly in the grass. He lurched to his feet, swaying like an aspen. "You gotta take her back to the village." He pulled the Tetsusaiga, scabbard and all, from his belt. "Keep this with her. The barrier knows her. It'll protect her." 

"I can't do that!" Miroku protested. 

"Do it!" Inuyasha snarled. "I'm not gonna need it for a while, okay?" 

Unnerved by the crazed look in the hanyou's eyes, Miroku accepted the blade. 

"When should we look for you?" Sango asked. 

"Keh." Inuyasha wanted it to sound careless; it came out sounding like a sob, and he shook his head. "I don't know." 

Sango nodded, feeling her eyes sting. "Be careful." 

Inuyasha leapt for a nearby branch, but didn't immediately vanish into the canopy. He paused, resting his head against the trunk. "Please. She can't die." A gust of wind shook the leaves, and he was gone. 

"I don't like him going by himself," Sango murmured. She knelt next to Kagome, brushing her friend's bangs back. 

"We can't spare Kirara," Miroku said, "and Hachi isn't nearby. And neither of us could keep up with him." 

Shippo gulped. "I could go," he volunteered. 

Sango hugged him. "No, we need you with us in the village to take care of Kagome. But thank you for offering." He cuddled closer to Sango, feeling reassured. She sighed. "We'll just have to hope that he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else." 

"There's something else we have to do," Miroku said. "We should return Kikyo's bones to Kaede-sama." A small pile of clay and bone shards in a circle of ashes marked the place where Kikyo had stood. Sango wondered if Inuyasha had even noticed. 

"Let me bandage your shoulder first, houshi-sama," Sango said. "Then I'll take care of Kikyo's bones." 

He shook his head. "If you just bandage me, I can do it. Take care of Kagome-sama." Sango nodded and moved to tie a rough bandage around Miroku's shoulder. He dug carefully through Kagome's pack to find a spare shirt and then knelt next to the pile of shards, murmuring a prayer under his breath before he began to pick them up reverentially, laying them in Kagome's shirt. When he found the jewel shard Kikyo had tucked away, he hid it in his own sleeve. 

In a few minutes, they were ready to go. Kikyo's bones were tied into a bundle and tucked away in Kagome's pack. Kagome herself was cradled between Sango and Miroku, with the Tetsusaiga wrapped in her arms. Shippo curled on her chest, careful not to touch the blade. Sango rested her head on Kirara's for a moment, gathering strength. 

"We'll get through this, Sango," Miroku said. 

Sango straightened. "I hope so, houshi-sama. I really do." She patted Kirara's neck. "Let's go, Kirara." Nothing was left in the clearing but a circle of ashes, and those were soon scattered by the wind of their passing. 

*** 

For four days, all Inuyasha did was run, trying to become a creature of pure motion, trying to outrun the grief that howled at his heels. Despite the tough pads on his hands and feet, blisters formed, broke, and bled, until he left bloody foot- and hand-prints on the trees in his wake. Hunger chewed at him, thirst burned him, and exhaustion spun the world around him until he wasn't running so much as staggering at high speed. But none of these things, not even pain, was what finally stopped him. One of the branches he was attempting to land on simply snapped under his feet. He knew he'd pushed himself too far when he couldn't react fast enough to catch another branch on the way down. 

Thought and memory caught up with him as soon as he hit the ground. Shaking and sick, he curled into a ball at the foot of a tree. _I failed her the one moment she needed me the most._ He remembered Kikyo's words on Kagome's lips and shuddered. _She may be worse than dead because of me. Kikyo may have obliterated her because of me. If I ever see you again, will there be enough left of you to forgive me? If I ever see you again, will it be you looking back at me?_

_Damn it!_ He slammed his fists into the tree, tearing the scabs off his knuckles. _Some protector I turned out to be. So. Damn. Useless!_ He flung his head back to howl, but his cracked throat refused to cooperate. 

_Why did you betray me, Inuyasha? _

I wouldn't. I would never-- 

But he had. 

An awareness of something _other_ prickled along his arms and he frowned into the darkening woods. _There's nothing out there._ The prickle turned into a dull roar along his nerves, and he knew. 

Ever since he'd discovered he could be possessed by his youkai blood, he'd been afraid of the demon that lived beneath his skin: afraid of losing control of it, afraid of it taking him over and his not being able to stop it. He didn't dream often, so his nightmares were few, but his worst one was the clearest and most frequent. Finding himself crouched next to Kagome's body, her blood on his claws, in his mouth, saturating his clothes. Discovering he'd killed her because he hadn't been able to stop the demon. The first night he'd had the nightmare, he'd wakened himself with a voiceless yell and a barely checked fall out of his tree. He'd spent the rest of the night crouched next to her, watching her breathe. He barely managed to tear himself away from her before the others began to wake up, and he'd shadowed her for the rest of the day. 

But now the demon, goaded by pain and grief, awoke and stretched. He reached toward it, embracing it as he had refused to since that night. _Take me, help me forget, make me who I was before I loved her._ He knew it might kill him, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He could hear her screaming at him in his head. 

_Don't do it, don't do it, you might die, don't be_ stupid-- 

_How can I take care of myself,_ he asked her, _when I couldn't even take care of you?_

He felt the shadow of the demon begin to overwhelm his consciousness. He smiled at his mental image of her: furious, tear-stained, beautiful. I'll always find you, Kagome. Even in death. 

And he was gone. 

Far to the south, Kagome stirred, mouth shaping his name in a silent whisper. 

*** 

_And every time you speak her name  
Does she know how you told me  
You'd hold me until you died  
'Til you died  
But you're still alive_


	14. Shadows Keep On Changing

What am I thankful for? I'm thankful I'm done with this chapter. Bleah. Stupid classes. 

Okay, to quickly address something that seems to be puzzling some of you: I am not finished. This is not the end. (I'd go so far as to say I'm nowhere near finished.) After all, nothing's been resolved. 

I'd also like to apologize to those not interested in the Miroku/Sango waltz, and to reassure them that things will pick up with Kags and Yash again shortly. Thank you for your patience. 

Extra whipped cream on the pie of thank you for my betas, Merith and Kat. And a whomping big extra helping of meat stuffing for my alpha, Niamh. You know you like it. ;D 

Chapter title and epigraph are from "Haunted," by Poe. 

*** 

_I'm haunted  
By the lives that I have loved  
And actions I have hated_

*** 

_She was six years old and her feet were dusty from playing hide and seek with the other children of her village. It was her turn to be it, and she had secretly resolved to find her true love first. Ryuichi was old, almost eight, but he was never as rude to her as some of the other boys. She'd decided, after he'd given her half a sweet dumpling, that she would marry him someday. She paused near a tree in the village square, looking around uncertainly. Where had everybody gone? Usually she could at least hear muffled giggling, but today it was eerily quiet. _

"Little girl." 

She jumped. Who was talking? The tree? She peered up at the branches. 

The voice chuckled. "No. Down here." 

She lowered her gaze. An old woman dressed tidily in the uniform of a shrine priestess sat peacefully at the foot of the tree. A row of stones was lined up before her. "Do you know who I am?" 

"Yes. You're the miko of our shrine." 

The priestess nodded. "Who are you?" 

"Kikyo, miko-sama." 

"Do any of these stones interest you, Kikyo?" 

Kikyo frowned, kneeling across from the priestess. The stones seemed wholly unremarkable: rough, irregularly shaped, and still slightly dirty. She glanced uncertainly at the woman, but the still face gave her no clue. She sat back, chewing her lip. Then she tilted her head. Had one of the stones glimmered? 

Again, one of the stones seemed to shimmer with a strange inward light. Curious, Kikyo picked up the stone and immediately dropped it again. Her skin told her the rock was cool and rough to the touch. Her mind insisted it was burning hot. "I thought so," the miko murmured. 

"I don't like you," Kikyo said nervously, getting to her feet. "I'm going home." She fled towards her hut, and so missed hearing the miko's soft chuckle. 

The next day, the priestess paid a visit to Kikyo's mother. Within three days of that first meeting, Kikyo's possessions had been bundled up and she had moved in with the priestess. The priestess's name was Kumiko, and she had been searching desperately for a successor from within the village. Kikyo was the only suitable candidate she had found. There was no more time for running and playing, and Kumiko strictly forbade any contact with boys, especially Ryuichi. 

Nine years later, Kumiko died, leaving Kikyo sole priestess. Her first ceremony was to bless Ryuichi's marriage to a girl even younger than she. But by that time, the dreams of the child had died in the heart of the young woman, and she watched the marriage of her first love with dry eyes. 

*** 

Sango carried Kagome into the quarantine hut, laying the girl down on the mat once more. Miroku tucked the Tetsusaiga into Kagome's arms, and then straightened, grimacing. He pressed his hand to his shoulder as Kaede lifted the door flap aside. "What happened? Where's Inuyasha?" 

"I don't know," Sango said helplessly. "We found the youkai that was attacking her, but it turned out that Kikyo was behind it. Kagome woke up and something happened and Inuyasha ran off...." She trailed off, swallowing. 

"Kikyo?" Kaede shook her head. 

"I'll be happy to clarify," Miroku interrupted. "But do you think you could possibly help me?" He held up his hand, palm dark with blood. Sango blinked. 

"When did you start bleeding again?" 

He shrugged. "Somewhere between the clearing and here?" 

Kaede pointed at him. "You sit down." 

Miroku sat down and shrugged his shoulder out of his robes, keeping the blood-soaked bandage pressed to his wound. Kaede poured some water into a clay basin and added some disinfectant from a small blue bottle that Kagome had brought. She dipped a cloth into the liquid and began to dab at his skin. Miroku winced and swore under his breath. 

Sango shook herself when she realized she was staring absently at his chest. "I'm... going to... go." She left the hut quickly. 

"This looks like an arrow wound," Kaede said softly, wringing the cloth out. 

Miroku nodded. "She shot me." 

Kaede paused. "You're sure it was Kikyo?" 

Miroku looked at her for a long moment. He'd long respected Kaede as an experienced miko and Kagome's mentor. But suddenly, underneath the mask of age, he could see a little girl, pleading for reassurance that the older sister she adored hadn't done such a horrible thing. He sighed. "I'm sorry, Kaede-sama." Kaede nodded, lowering her head. "If it's any consolation to you, we brought her remains home. You may lay her to rest once more." 

"It won't be the same," Kaede said. "What my sister was to this village... that has been irreparably broken." He sat in silence as she daubed the wound with ointment and bound fresh bandages around his shoulder. 

Kagome whimpered and stirred on the mat. Miroku turned to her. "Kagome-sama?" 

"'Roku-sa..." her voice faded. "'Yasha...?" 

Miroku sighed and brushed her bangs back. "He's... outside." _Somewhere._

"Ward... bones," Kagome whispered. 

"I will," Miroku whispered back. 

"'Yasha..." she murmured as she dozed off again. Miroku withdrew the jewel shard he'd taken from Kikyo and slipped it into the vial around Kagome's neck. He felt a twinge of relief as the shard slowly lightened from dusky pink to the pale rose of its fellows. He sat back and lowered his head. 

"Where is Inuyasha?" Kaede said softly. 

Miroku shook his head. "Kagome-sama faced Kikyo-sama. She struck her down in a blaze of magic utterly unlike anything I've ever seen." 

Kaede frowned. "Inuyasha fled because Kagome attacked Kikyo?" 

"No. Inuyasha fled because Kagome awoke and said something that appeared to shake him to his very soul." 

"What was that?" 

"'Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?'" Merely repeating the words sent a chill down Miroku's spine. 

Kaede paled. "Are you _certain?"_ Miroku nodded. "Gods." 

"What does that mean? Inuyasha would never betray Kagome-sama. He... cares too much for that." 

"Inuyasha has never betrayed Kagome," Kaede said softly. "But he has betrayed Kikyo. When the witch Urasue built her construct from my sister's ashes and grave soil, those were the words the construct spoke upon awakening." 

Miroku swore fluidly, ignoring the arch look Kaede sent him. "Gods damn it. _Damn_ it! If I'd known that...." 

"You would have gone with him," Kaede said. 

"I sure as hell wouldn't have let him run off," Miroku snapped. 

Kaede sighed. "There's nothing you can do now, houshi-dono." 

Miroku pushed himself to his feet. "I think I'm going to walk for a while until I'm feeling a little calmer." 

"Don't overdo it," she said, moving to Kagome's side. 

He nodded and picked up his staff. "I'll see you in the morning, Kaede-sama." Miroku pushed the door flap outside and stepped into the night air, taking a deep breath. His shoulder throbbed faintly. _That's probably going to hurt like hell by the time I go to sleep. Ah, well. If I try to sleep now, I'll only sit awake fretting. I wonder where Sango went?_ Kirara appeared, stropping herself against his ankles. "Where's your mistress, Kirara?" he said softly. She looked up at him and mewed before padding off towards the well. Miroku raised an eyebrow before following. 

Sango leaned against the Bone Eater's Well, idly polishing Hiraikotsu. She could almost hear Kagome's laugh dancing on the air and see Inuyasha perched in the branches of the trees around the clearing. Kirara trotted up and rubbed her head against Sango's knee. "How did it all go so badly, Kirara?" Sango murmured, reaching down to scratch behind her ears. "There must've been something I could've done...." 

"Sango?" 

She jumped. "Houshi-sama?" 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." The young monk drew closer, robes slowly taking shape against the darkness. 

Sango shook her head. "I was just...." She waved a hand, still holding the polishing cloth. 

He nodded. "I know what you mean. I, too, was just...." He waved his free hand in a similarly absent manner, wincing as his shoulder twinged. 

She began to polish Hiraikotsu again absently. "How is she?" 

"She woke up briefly," Miroku said. "Asked me to ward Kikyo-sama's bones." He glanced back towards the village. "I should do that when we get back to the hut." 

Sango nodded. "I guess that's an improvement." 

"She woke up at all," Miroku said. "So, yes." 

The cloth paused in its rhythmic strokes. "Did she say anything else?" 

"Kagome-sama? She wanted to know where Inuyasha was. I told her he was outside; I didn't think it was a good idea to...." Miroku trailed off. 

Sango bit her lip. "Probably not." She fidgeted with the cloth, twisting it in her fingers. 

"I did get a chance to speak with Kaede-sama about what happened between Kikyo-sama and Kagome-sama." Miroku rubbed his forehead, leaning on the edge of the well. "She made it a little clearer." 

"It didn't make any sense." Sango searched his face. "Did it?" He didn't answer her for a moment. "Houshi-sama?" 

"I see you were also wondering why it upset Inuyasha so badly." 

"What did it mean?" 

"Do you remember what Kagome-sama told us about how Kikyo-sama came back?" 

Sango nodded. "There was a witch who stole Kikyo's ashes and grave soil. The witch built a body and animated it with Kagome's soul. Kagome-chan took it back, but enough of it remained to keep the body alive." 

Miroku sighed. "Right. But there was something she didn't tell us. Kikyo... spoke." 

Sango swore. "Don't tell me. I know exactly what she said." She twisted the cloth harder. "But why would Kagome-chan...." 

"I have a theory," Miroku said after a moment. "I don't like it. In fact, I hope I'm wrong." 

"What is it?" 

Miroku looked up at the quiet stars. "Do you remember how Kikyo-sama said that the piece of Kagome-sama's soul that was in her had been reunited with the rest?" 

"Yes," Sango said slowly. "Oh, no. No. You don't think...." 

"No. No. I'm sure that's just some side effect of what Kagome-sama did." _Fate couldn't be that cruel._ He ignored the gentle tapping his rosary beads made against his shakujou as he shifted his hands. 

Sango pushed herself to her feet, tucking the cloth back into her belt. "What was it that Kagome-chan did? I've never seen anything like it." She leaned back against the well beside him, gazing up at the stars as well. 

The rings of his staff jingled quietly as he turned it in his hands. "I have no idea what she did. There was...." His voice faded. 

She glanced sideways at him, surprised at the troubled look on his face. "Houshi-sama?" 

"I've always known Kagome-sama had a lot of raw power." Sango nodded and Miroku blew out a breath. "I had no idea she had that much." 

Sango nodded again. "What I can't believe...." 

"Hmmm?" 

"I can't believe she was willing to kill Kagome-chan. For her soul. For their soul." Sango shook her head. "It's just incredible." 

"But it had nothing to do with Kagome-sama," Miroku said softly. "She said as much." 

"Just an obstacle to a goal." Sango reached up and pulled out the ribbon that bound her ponytail, running a distracted hand through her hair. "Doesn't matter who you hurt, who you kill...." When Miroku didn't answer, she looked over at him, feeling vaguely concerned. 

"Defying everything she believed in," he said quietly. "Going against everything she'd ever been." Miroku lifted his cursed hand, spreading his fingers. "It makes me wonder. What would I do? If I could rid myself of this by killing an innocent...." 

Sango swallowed. "Do you think you would?" She paused. "Do you think you _could?"_

Miroku shook his head immediately. "I like to think not." He gazed at his gauntlet. "But Kikyo-sama...." 

"Wasn't human." 

He looked up. 

Sango reached out, her hand hovering over his. "She wasn't human. Not anymore. You are." 

Miroku laughed softly. "Too much so, to Buddha's eternal dismay." 

She slapped his fingers lightly. "Not like that. I mean... Kikyo-sama wanted Kagome-chan's soul because she didn't have one of her own anymore. But if her soul had been intact, she wouldn't have been willing to sacrifice Kagome-chan." She watched his expression turn thoughtful. 

"If we try to see what Kikyo-sama must have been through what Kagome-sama is...." Miroku trailed off, nodding. "You're right." The corner of his mouth quirked. "I suppose I shouldn't tax myself with these scenarios. I know what will lift my curse, and it's not the death of an innocent." 

"Far from it," Sango said. 

He nodded again. "I think I was just unnerved." 

"I think we all were." 

"Why were you frightened?" 

Sango lowered her hand slowly. Her bangs fell forward to shadow her face as she averted her eyes. "I thought we'd lost her. I thought... I wasn't sure she was going to make it. And then I was scared for Inuyasha." She swallowed. "I'm still scared for Inuyasha." 

Miroku's ragged sigh stirred her hair. "I am, too. I hope...." 

"I've been thinking," she interrupted gently. "If I take Kirara and go back, we might be able to pick up his trail. We might be able to help him. If something attacked him now, I don't know how well he'd be able to fight." 

Silence hovered between them. "You'd go by yourself," Miroku said. 

Sango nodded. "Someone needs to stay behind in case Kagome-chan wakes up. In case Kaede-sama needs help." 

"You want me to go back and suggest to Kaede-sama she can't take care of a patient alone?" Miroku said. 

"You're wounded, remember?" Sango said tartly. "How are you going to help me?" 

"With one arm?" he suggested. 

"No. I'm going alone." 

"Sango...." At the new gentleness in his tone she looked up, meeting his eyes. He hesitated again. "At least get some sleep." 

"I was going to go back to the village first to rest." Color flooded her face as she remembered the last time Miroku had decided she wasn't resting enough. And she cursed the glint in his eyes that told her he remembered too. 

"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep?" 

"I should be able to manage," she said dryly. 

"Good," Miroku said, pushing off the well. "I don't think I can hold you down with one arm." He laughed softly as she swung Hiraikotsu to her shoulder and stalked past him towards the village. 

*** 

_Why doesn't my shoulder hurt? _

Why should my shoulder hurt? I wasn't wounded, I was asleep. 

I was wounded. Inuyasha attacked me and stole the jewel. 

No. He'd never attack me. He'd never hurt me. 

He betrayed me. 

I betrayed him. 

I shot him. 

I hurt him. 

Inuyasha, where are you? I have to tell you I'm sorry.... 

*** 

"Kagome-sama is healing, isn't she, Kaede-sama?" 

The old priestess nodded as she heaved herself to her feet from where she'd been kneeling. "She gets stronger every day. All that's wrong now is the lingering weakness from the spell." 

Miroku pulled his robes back on over his freshly re-bandaged shoulder. "But she's still sleeping so much. I thought four days might be enough for her to recover." 

Kaede shook her head. "I've seen this before in others who had been very ill. Rest is how they begin to rebuild their strength. Kagome will be up when she's ready to be up. In the meantime she's eating and rousing when we try to wake her, and those are very good signs." 

He smiled. "Thank you, Kaede-sama. I should trust your judgment more." 

"I understand your concern. I only wish Sango could find Inuyasha. The longer he stays away...." Kaede trailed off. 

"Sango says it's almost like he doesn't want us to find him. Kirara has a reasonably good nose, so he shouldn't be this hard to find, unless...." Miroku trailed off, eyes troubled. 

Kaede laid a gentle hand on his unwounded shoulder. "All you can do is keep trying, houshi-dono." 

"She should at least take me with her," he grumbled. "I don't like her doing it without backup." 

Kaede paused at the door. "Why are you telling me? Tell her. She's out weeding my garden." With an odd little smile, she went out into the sunshine. 

Miroku smoothed Kagome's blanket gently. "What do you think, Kagome-sama?" he murmured. "Should I go bother Sango?" He smiled at the sleepy mumble he got in reply and got to his feet. "I'm going to pretend that was a yes." 

Sango sat back on her heels and eyed the garden. O_kay. That takes care of the savory herbs... so I can do the medicinal ones now. Right._ She began to pluck the weeds from around the roots of the chamomile, smiling a little absently at the familiar smell that drifted up to her. _Funny, I used to hate doing this when Father told me to._ Something tickled the back of her left hand. She glanced down and let out a little shriek to see the large beetle crawling across her skin. 

"Problems?" 

She glanced up from shaking her hand vigorously. _Oh, damn._ "No problems, houshi-sama." Sango felt a blush warm her cheeks. _Of all the people to catch me._

Miroku nodded. "How are things in the herbs?" 

"About half-finished." Sango got to her feet, brushing her hands off on her apron, surreptitiously checking to make sure no beetles were coming along. "How's Kagome-chan?" 

He glanced back towards the quarantine hut. "She's better. Ate about half of her lunch and then attempted to sit me when I tried to make her eat more of it. I wanted to oblige her by crashing into the ground, but I just don't do it as well as Inuyasha does." 

Sango leaned on the fence, smiling a little. "I could try to help you with that." 

Miroku chuckled. "I know you could." He watched Sango's face turn pensive as she gazed at the quarantine hut. "What're you thinking?" 

"Only that it must've been hard for her. To hold out so long against those dreams. They were fighting so much...." She blew out a breath. "I've been wondering if I would have held out. If I hadn't known what would happen, the way Kagome-chan didn't know." Sango glanced at Miroku, unsurprised to see his eyes gone dark and thoughtful. "Because isn't the reality of something sort of dependent on how real it is for you?" 

"I don't know," he said at last, "if I would have acquitted myself as well as I should." 

Sango nodded a little. "Was it... what she said?" 

"Was what what who said?" 

"Your heart's desire. Was it what Ai said?" Miroku stilled, and Sango cursed herself for asking. 

"Yes, but like I said before, she got the ages of the girls wrong." 

Sango rolled her eyes. "Right." 

"What about you?" Miroku countered, leaning on his side of the fence. 

"What about me?" 

"Your heart's desire. Was that it?" 

Sango pulled a tall weed that was trying to wind its way around one of the fence posts and began to shred it. "Mmmm. Close. But there were some details missing." _There was someone missing._

Miroku shifted, easing his weight off his shoulder. "Like what?" 

"Well... a husband. Children." She glanced at Miroku's profile, gauging. "I found it odd they weren't in my dream. And I found it very odd they were in yours." 

He froze, and Sango could've sworn she saw something like panic flicker in those dark eyes. "No, no. She just uncovered my long-buried desire to be outnumbered by midgets." 

Sango sighed. _Does he always have to be so damn difficult?_ "Houshi-sama." 

Miroku stared at the garden, and she could almost see the moment he decided to give her a real answer. "I think about it. Sometimes. My grandfather didn't live long enough to see my father grow up. Likewise, my father died when I was a child. It's natural, I guess, that I would wonder what it would be like to see my own children grow up." 

"I just didn't expect it of you," she said softly. "It was a surprise." 

He chuckled. "I imagine." 

"It wasn't... a bad surprise." 

Miroku glanced at her sideways. "I'm full of surprises," he murmured. 

Sango felt her breath catch for a moment. "Do you...." She cleared her throat. "Do you think she would have gotten other details right?" 

He shrugged and straightened. "I wasn't that interested in her accuracy." 

She cast the weed aside, wiping her hands on her apron again. "You just seemed really happy to see your wife. The other you." 

Miroku laughed a bit. "I was probably just happy I'd finally cajoled someone into bearing my children." 

"You weren't smiling like...." Sango bit her tongue. 

"Like?" 

"Like you'd cajoled her." 

Miroku closed his eyes, leaning heavily on the fence once more. A weariness that seemed almost infinite touched his face, aging him well beyond his twenty-one years. Sango swallowed. _Men in his family never get old, but they feel it, gods, they feel it while they're still so young...._ "I've always wanted," he said to the garden. "I've always wanted to be able to offer the mother of my children a life. A future. I want to live with her – with them – without having to think about the day I leave her a widow and the children my curse. But...." 

"But?" Sango whispered. 

Miroku smiled wryly. "Well, I can't, can I?" 

"We haven't lost yet," she said. "You still might be able to." 

"I don't want to offer her possibilities," he said softly. 

"But... what if she was content with possibility?" He turned his head slightly, catching her gaze. Sango licked her lips nervously. "What if she already knew that life doesn't offer any guarantees?" 

"What are you saying, Sango?" Miroku murmured. 

Sango opened her mouth to answer, then snapped it shut in surprise. "Kagome-chan?" 

Miroku spun around. "Where is he?" Kagome whispered, holding the scabbard of the Tetsusaiga out. She was pale and fragile-looking, as if her bones had been replaced with delicately spun glass. Her skin was drawn tight, and her eyes were enormous with shadows. "Inuyasha... where is he?" 

Sango leapt the fence and ran over to her friend, with Miroku not a half-step behind her. "He's... out there," Sango said helplessly. "Somewhere." 

"But the sword. He needs the sword." Kagome's hands tightened on the scabbard. "He can't be out there alone." 

"I've been looking for him." Sango reached up to brush her friend's hair back. A frown crossed her face as she felt Kagome's skin hot beneath her fingers. "You need to go back to bed, Kagome-chan." 

Kagome shook her head. "We have to go find him. Now." 

"We will," Miroku soothed. "We'll go find him very soon." 

"Now," Kagome pleaded, eyes filling with tears. 

"I'll go out and look," Sango said gently. "Please rest." 

Miroku scooped Kagome up, wincing a little as her weight jarred his shoulder. Kagome didn't even notice since her eyes were fixed urgently on Sango's. "But if he's hurt... if he needs me...." 

"Then I'll bring him back to you," Sango said softly. "I promise." 

Kagome nodded and closed her eyes, tears spilling down her face. "Don't cry, Kagome-sama," Miroku murmured. 

"It's my fault," Kagome sobbed. "He's out there and it's my fault." 

He looked at Sango helplessly. "It's not your fault," Sango whispered over the lump in her throat. "It's not." She watched as Miroku carried Kagome back towards the quarantine hut before spinning on her heel and dashing into Kaede's hut to change into her taiji-ya gear. 

*** 

_I'm haunted  
By the lives that wove a web  
Inside my haunted head_


	15. The Moment When

I'd like to thank everyone with their patience with me while I tried to fit this in around everything I'm doing. To those of you who stuck with me, my eternal thanks and a promise that I'll try to do better, while hoping that you understand that I can't put off graduating to finish. To those of you who didn't stick with me, well, you're not reading this, are you? 

Beta snaps for Merith and Kat, and alpha _and_ beta snaps for Niamh. 

_The memory comes back to me  
To strangle me with its sweet taste  
See, God would never be so cruel  
To make me live without your face_

*** 

_She didn't know she was a big sister until after her mother died. _

She remembered her mother, of course. Sometimes she even missed her. But there was so much to learn with Kumiko: reading, writing, history, archery, herb-lore, even magic. There simply wasn't time, usually, to miss her old life. The ache of homesickness began to trickle back when Kumiko mentioned curtly at the breakfast table that they'd be attending her mother's funeral since she'd died in childbirth a few days ago. Kikyo had only nodded, long since used to the elder miko's attitude. No use in crying, girl. Everything that lives, dies._ Yet that night, she lay sleepless on her pallet by the banked firepit, trying to remember what her mother's smile looked like. _

The next morning, the two mikos went to the quiet, sparsely attended funeral. Kikyo kept her face expressionless, even as the wave of sorrow built to an unrelenting ache in her chest. When the ceremony was over, she moved among those who had come, nodding or thanking them as custom required. When she stopped by her mother's sister, she looked down and felt her breath leave her in a rush. A small girl with her mother's eyes clung to Aunt Shizuko's kimono as if it were the only familiar thing in a world gone mad. Kikyo knelt down. "Who are you, little one?" 

The girl only shook her head and hid her tear-stained face in the white folds. Shizuko stooped to stroke her hair. "This is your sister, Kaede. She's three." 

Kikyo gently tugged the material aside. "Hello, Kaede. I'm your sister, Kikyo. Did Okaa-sama ever mention me?" 

The dark eyes grew wide with awe. "You're the special one?" 

"No," Kikyo said firmly, ignoring Kumiko's derisive snort. "I'm only a priestess." 

Kaede looked doubtful, but edged out from the kimono a fraction. "Okaa-sama went away," she confided. 

Kikyo carefully wiped the tear stains from Kaede's face with the sleeve of her haori, even though she knew Kumiko would set her extra laundry for doing it. "I know she did." She looked up at Shizuko. "What's going to happen to her, aunt?" 

"We'll have to take her in, I imagine," Shizuko said. "She belongs with her family, and we're all that's left." 

Not quite,_ Kikyo thought. She waited until later that evening, when she was shaking out Kumiko's blankets, to spring her suggestion. "I think my sister should live with us." _

Kumiko snorted as she banked the fire. "Stupid idea. We tend the shrine, heal the sick, fight off youkai. We don't raise children." 

Kikyo had anticipated this; no flicker of emotion broke through the neutral mask she'd nearly perfected at thirteen. "Yes," she said evenly. "But, Kumiko-sama...." 

"What?" the older miko snapped. 

"She is my sister. She might have some of my talent. Haven't you often said that I was almost too old when you found me? She's even younger than I was and, if suitable, would give you two apprentices instead of only me." Kikyo could almost see Kumiko turning this over. 

"We'll try it," Kumiko said at last. "But if she proves to be untalented, or is even the slightest bit of trouble, back to your aunt she goes." 

Kikyo bowed low, letting the triumphant smile curve her mouth only at the lowest point. "Thank you, Kumiko-sama." 

The next day, she escorted a wide-eyed Kaede to the shrine. Before leading her inside, she knelt down before Kaede, taking her hands. "Kumiko-sama is scary, but don't worry. I won't let her strike you or scold you." She smoothed back a tangled lock of hair. "Do you understand, Kaede? I'll always take care of you." 

Kaede bit her lip nervously. "Do you really think I can be a miko?" 

Kikyo smiled. "I know you can. Then we'll be together and take care of the shrine." 

"Do you promise?" 

She squeezed her sister's hand. "I promise." 

***

Kagome leaned on the torii gate and sucked in a breath that rasped her lungs. It annoyed her that, while she could finally make it all the way up the stairs to the shrine without having to stop, she'd still lost her breath by the time she reached the top. She gazed out across the smooth pavement while her breath steadied. _It's so much the same...._ Things looked more worn around the edges, and small things had changed: the ornate clay jug she'd used -- _Kikyo used,_ she corrected herself -- to wash the steps had finally been replaced by a more practical wooden bucket. But the shrine was one of the few places that didn't threaten to give her a massive headache as she tried to reconcile two sets of memories. 

_Well, mostly._ Pushing off the post, she walked slowly over to the old gravestone with the freshly turned dirt. She sank cross-legged to the ground, closing her eyes. The raw ability she'd always had to sense youkai and magic had only strengthened over the days after Kikyo... died. She'd found herself sensing traces of Shippo and Kirara and even Miroku without thinking about it. Before, her keenest sensitivity had been to jewel shards, but now it seemed any youkai or human with a gift was fair game. Luckily, there seemed to be some kind of wall or block that damped out most of it. 

Kagome shook her head. _Okay._ She hadn't managed to figure out how to lower the block on her own, but she'd found that if she simply concentrated on the need to sense things, and waited, the wall lowered in response. So now, she let the deepening twilight air soothe and calm her while she waited for her gifts to answer her call. 

_There's Shippo,_ she thought abstractly as her power ranged over the village. It had amused Kagome when she'd realized he simply appeared to her mind's eye as a ball of foxfire. _How original._ Next to him was the warm glow of embers: Kaede. Sango's roseate glow and the dancing flame that meant Kirara were nowhere to be felt. Which meant.... 

_Not now, not now._ She turned her attention to the grave and focused, feeling the answering pulse of power below the dirt. _Yes. That's what I want._ She began to dig slowly, scooping the soil into a loose pile. Kagome could feel the urn in her mind; or, rather, the elegant net of protective wards woven neatly about it. _I'll say this about Miroku-sama; he's much better trained than he lets people think he is. He gives the impression of being careless, but he sets wards like a work of art._ She cleared the last of the dirt away and lifted the plain clay jar into her lap, setting her hands on either side. Kagome took another breath and probed the urn carefully, seeking what she knew had to be there. 

_Thought so._ Beneath the indigo glow of Miroku's wards was the sullen red unnatural fury of the Kikyo construct, radiating from the shards. Kagome set her jaw. _As long as that goes untouched.... As long as I'm alive.... Someone can build another one. So._ She closed her eyes once more and let her power well up from the center of her being, keying into the net Miroku had woven and using that as her basis. _Okay. Here we go._ She took another deep breath, and, as she exhaled, flooded that net with her power until it collapsed, then let all that brilliant light sink inward, into the shards. The sullen glow dissolved at her light's touch. Relief welled up inside her chest, nearly bringing her to tears. _That's over. Thank the gods. No one can ever bring her back now. She's finally safe._ Kagome drew her power back and opened her eyes. The urn still sat in her lap, but the ofuda that covered it were now blank. Kagome blinked. _Wow. Didn't know that would happen._ She started to peel them off the jar, but stopped when she realized that her hands were shaking too violently to get them off intact. _This wasn't supposed to be _that _hard!_

"Kagome-sama?" 

Kagome clenched her teeth. She'd been so caught up she'd failed to notice the jangle of Miroku's shakujou. "Miroku-sama." He sat down next to her quietly, setting his staff aside. She glanced sideways at him, trying to gauge what he wanted, but his poker face was just too good. As the silence stretched out, Kagome caught herself squirming, fingernails worrying at the edges of the ofuda. 

"Could I have those back?" Miroku said mildly. "Paper's expensive." 

Kagome jumped, and then blushed. "Sure." She passed him the urn and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Miroku peeled his ofuda off without commenting on their blankness and tucked them away in his robe. He set the urn gently back in the grave and bowed his head, murmuring a prayer. Kagome began to cover the urn over again. 

"You know," Miroku said idly, as if he were commenting on the weather, "you're supposed to be resting." 

"I am resting." Kagome smoothed the dirt. "I'm even sitting. See?" 

"Digging isn't resting," he said. "And neither is purification." 

Kagome sighed. "I had to do it." 

"You should've waited until you were a little stronger." 

"As long as I left her bones unpurified, someone could've brought her back." Kagome laid a gentle hand on the grave. "I couldn't let that happen." 

Miroku blew out a breath of his own. "Well, will you at least go rest now?" 

Kagome smiled wryly. "Twist my arm." She started to get to her feet, sitting back down quickly as her knees gave way. She glanced at Miroku guiltily. He smiled wryly and got to his own feet, offering her a hand. "This is so annoying," Kagome muttered, letting him help her up. 

"It'd be less annoying if you gave yourself more time, you know," Miroku said, propping her up long enough to retrieve his staff. 

"All right, all right," she said tartly. "You've made your point. If I had the time, I'd even consider it." 

He shook her arm gently before settling it around his waist. "Kagome-sama...." 

"We have to find him." 

"Sango's been searching every day. She'll find him." 

"But she hasn't found anything, has she?" Kagome whispered. She stopped in her tracks, gazing towards the Go Shinboku. "You know...." 

"Hmmm?" 

"I can feel him. Here." She laid a fist against her solar plexus. "Like a light." 

"You can sense him?" Miroku kept his voice neutral, despite the prickle of amazement he felt. _I knew her power and skills had grown -- hell, look what she did to my wards! -- but being able to sense Inuyasha? When he's not nearby? In her ki? If that's what she's saying, that is...._

Kagome nodded. "He's gone... dim. And cold. He's getting further away with every day that passes." She swallowed. "I think.... I'm afraid...." 

_He's dying._ Miroku could almost hear the words, despite the fact that Kagome would never say them. He swore to himself. "We'll find him, Kagome-sama. I promise. Whatever it takes." He tugged on her arm to start her walking again. 

"But Sango-chan said she was having trouble picking up his tracks. Almost like he didn't want to be found." 

"Sango told you that," Miroku said. 

Kagome colored. "Um...." 

"Kagome-sama," he warned. A tiny spark of hope thawed some of the chill in Miroku's heart. Eavesdropping was much more like the Kagome he knew, and nothing like the silent haunted-eyed girl of the more recent weeks. 

"Okay, so maybe I overheard her telling Kaede-baachan." 

"Eavesdropping is very unbecoming." 

"Well, nobody's telling me anything. I'm tired, not deaf." 

Miroku sighed and stopped them again, taking her by the upper arms. "Kagome-sama, once we have something to tell you, we'll tell you. Sango is an excellent tracker, and with Kirara's help, I'm sure she'll find something soon." 

Kagome wrenched away from his grasp. "It's not enough!" 

"You're not going to do him any good if you make yourself sick again," he said sharply. 

"I don't care." Kagome wrapped her arms around herself, lowering her head. "I'll never be all right if something happens to him." 

Miroku gazed at her for a long moment. "Can you find him?" 

Her dark head shook. "I tried. I can only tell he's alive somewhere." 

"Damn." 

"So... I've got another idea." 

He waited. When she didn't elaborate, he put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Well?" 

"We need someone. Someone who's had practice finding Inuyasha." 

*** 

Miroku sat on Kaede's porch, trying to keep his thoughts from tumbling wildly over each other. He'd finally gotten Kagome secured in the quarantine hut; she'd gone quietly enough once he'd assured her that she had his complete support in her drive to find Inuyasha. But he needed a few minutes -- or hours -- to let her plan sink in. The rings on his shakujou sounded discordant to his ears as he spun it in his hands. 

"Houshi-sama?" 

He looked up and his heart lifted for no damn reason. "Sango." Her hair was disheveled, shadows circled her eyes, dirt smudged her cheek. She held her left arm in a way that told him she'd gotten a nasty kink in the middle of her back again; he'd often heard her complaining to Kagome about it when he'd accidentally passed by the hot spring where they were bathing. And yet, despite all this, she was still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He smiled inwardly. _Face it. You're hopeless._ "No luck, I take it." 

Sango shook her head, sinking onto the porch next to him. "I thought we'd picked something up around noon, but...." She sighed and stroked Kirara, who'd hopped into her lap to fall asleep with a rapidity astonishing even for a cat youkai. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Like I could sleep for a week." She glanced automatically at the quarantine hut. "I mean... about as well as you'd expect, considering." Miroku nodded. Sango frowned at him. "Houshi-sama, is something wrong?" 

He sighed and ran his hands through his bangs. "Kagome-sama has... a plan." 

"She does?" When he didn't answer immediately, she leaned toward him. "What is it?" 

"I want to tell you something before I tell you what her plan is." 

"You're starting to worry me. What?" Miroku reached into his robes and pulled out the blank ofuda, fanning them. Sango frowned. "I don't understand." 

"These are the ofuda I put on Kikyo-sama's urn." 

Sango's face went blank with astonishment. "But how.... You put those on there. They couldn't have been erased." Her body tensed. "That means Kikyo-sama's remains are up there unprotected. Another witch could--" 

"Another witch who tried to build something from those remains would achieve nothing but a lifeless, shapeless lump of clay," Miroku interrupted. "Those bones have been purified so completely that any karmic connection between them and Kikyo-sama's soul has been severed." He nodded at the ofuda. "This is a side effect." 

Sango stared. "But... how?" she finally managed. "I can't even conceive of a spell that would do that." 

Miroku tucked the ofuda away. "The caster would have to be both extraordinarily powerful and extraordinarily skilled." 

"But we don't know anyone like that." He watched the comprehension fill her eyes. "Are you saying _Kagome-chan_ did this? She can't do that! She's never done much more than arrows and shard purifications... until...." 

He nodded, feeling an almost possessive pride in her rapid understanding. "You don't really need me here for this, do you?" Miroku stood up. 

Sango's fingers tightened on Hiraikotsu's strap. "You leave and I'll break your legs," she warned. Miroku sat back down obediently, smothering a grin. "So what are you thinking? That Kikyo-sama possessed Kagome-chan?" 

"No, I don't think so. She still acts very much like Kagome." _For the most part._ "Do you remember that Kikyo-sama said something about Kagome-sama drawing on her knowledge?" 

"I... think so." Sango frowned into the gathering darkness. "When you asked her about what happened after we fought that boar, right?" 

"Yes." 

"She's still doing that? Drawing on Kikyo-sama's knowledge?" 

"That's really my best guess." 

"Houshi-sama...." She turned to look at him, pushing her hair back from her face, further smearing the dirt smudging it. "What does that mean? Is she...." 

"I trust her," Miroku said softly. "Despite everything. Kagome-sama has a true heart." He took a breath. "But." 

"Her plan?" 

Miroku nodded. "She... wants to use outside help in finding Inuyasha." Sango's spine stiffened in automatic affront, and he put out a soothing hand. "She's frantic with worry, Sango. It has nothing to do with your skills." 

Sango let a little "hmph" escape her. "Okay. So. Outside help? What does that mean?" 

"Someone who's had practice finding Inuyasha." 

She leaned back on her hands, chewing her lip idly. "So.... Kouga? After all, he owes her for saving those cubs from before." 

"Yes, you would think he'd be the logical choice." 

"Not Kouga? Then... who? There isn't a large number of youkai eager to help us, after all." 

Miroku cleared his throat. "Sesshoumaru." 

He watched the color drain from her face, making her even paler in the half-light. "I'm sorry. Did you just say...." 

"Sesshoumaru," Miroku repeated. "Tall fellow, overdressed, evil sword." 

Sango twisted Hiraikotsu's strap tightly around her fingers. "I don't.... Are you sure Kagome-chan's all right? I mean... Sesshoumaru! Why on earth would he help us find Inuyasha? He wants to kill him!" 

"She thinks Sesshoumaru will want to save him because he wants to be the one who kills Inuyasha." 

"I suppose," Sango said slowly. "After all, when Inuyasha was lost to his youkai blood before, Sesshoumaru did stay his hand. But what's to prevent him from killing Inuyasha after we find him?" 

Miroku spread his hands helplessly. "She thinks she has sufficient incentive to keep him from doing so." 

"Like... no." Sango shook her head. "Don't tell me. I don't want to know what Kagome-chan thinks she can do to keep Sesshoumaru in check. At least not until I've had a bath and a few hours' sleep." 

"Sorry. I shouldn't have told you this all at once." 

"No, I want to know what's going on. I just... need some sleep." They sat in silence for a moment. "Of course, that means I have to move." 

"I could carry---" 

"I could break your skull." 

The brief smile creased his face, but he didn't look at her. "You know," Miroku said, as if answering her, "if you're still tired when she wants to leave, you don't need to come with. You've done so much already." 

"Stay?" Sango said incredulously. "Oh, no, houshi-sama. We're all in this together. We live as a group, we die as a group." 

"Very well." His next words were given barely enough breath to stir the warm twilight air. "I just don't want anything to happen to you. That's all." 

Sango felt a warm flutter in her stomach, but for once, the sensation didn't make her nervous or agitated. She whispered, "But who will make sure nothing happens to you?" 

Another silence stretched between them, even warmer and more companionable. "I made sure there was hot water in the bath for you," Miroku said eventually. 

"Thank you." Sango pushed to her feet. "Do you know when Kagome-chan wants to leave?" 

"A few more days. I made her promise to rest." 

"That sounds like an excellent idea." 

Miroku smiled up at her. "Doesn't it?" 

She stood there a little longer than she intended, letting herself admire the way his mouth curved and his eyes shone. He tilted his head as he watched her watching him, and slowly an impish glint crept into his smile. "Sango?" 

She shook herself. "Yes?" 

"Did you want help washing your back?" 

Sango caught herself before she could smile at him fondly. "You know, as thoughtful as that offer is...." She leaned down and tapped him lightly on the shoulder which only recently had ceased to be bandaged. "It would be such a shame to undo all of Kaede-sama's hard work." 

His grin only widened. "Maybe it'd be worth it." 

Sango slung Hiraikotsu over her shoulder and began to stroll away towards the bathhouse. "But then I'd have to cope with the guilt of injuring you when I knew there was a fight coming." She glanced over her shoulder. "Better play it safe." Despite her own fatigue, she found herself putting a little lilt into her walk as she went. 

Miroku watched her hips sway until she'd vanished into the distance, then stretched idly, leaned against one of the porch supports, and closed his eyes. "Now, why would I do that?" he murmured. 

*** 

_If I die before you do  
Believe me I'll be haunting you  
I'll come upon you while you sleep  
To drown you in a kiss so deep_


	16. Need to Be Redeemed

I'm back, baby! I'm sorry this took so long, but I'm a semester away from finishing my physics degree and they'll only let me graduate if I actually _pass_ everything. I'm going to try to get at least one more chapter out before school starts again, but my dad broke his foot and I'm going to have to help him with his work and life in general. I'm really sorry, but I swear, I'm not giving up on this. So please be patient with me!

Mille grazie to my betas, Kat and Nanda, who waited and waited and waaaaaited and never, ever said, "So, are you actually writing the chapter or what?" And, of course, mille mille grazie to Niamh, who only said, "So, are you actually writing the chapter or what?" about three or four times. ;)

Title and epigraph are from "Criminal," by Fiona Apple.

* * *

_  
I've been a bad, bad girl  
I've been careless with a delicate man   
And it's a sad sad world   
When a girl will break a boy   
Just because she can   
  
_

* * *

__

_The first time she saw him, he did not see her. _

_She'd gone to sit quietly in one of her favorite places, a shady spot by a cleft in a rocky wall where a stream spilled into a pool. Kikyo tucked herself behind a bush on a tuft of grass and closed her eyes. Today she'd taken Kaede into the village for supplies. As she'd walked down the street, a silence had gathered and spread in her wake, until it was almost deafening. When she'd looked behind her, she'd seen people drop their gazes nervously, avoiding her eyes, or worse, meet her gaze with a mixture of fear and awe on their faces. Even the young men, who until recently had still looked at her with an interest not wholly spiritual, now gazed at her with a reverence more suited to an idol, or a statue. _

_She reached up, cradling the lucent jewel at her throat. _It's because of this._ The villagers had only a faint idea of what she'd been entrusted, but the rumors were spreading anyway. Youkai attacks had already increased sharply. To make matters ridiculous, Kaede had mentioned that recently villagers or travelers had attempted to buy things from her: the chopsticks Kikyo had used the night before, or an old haori they were planning to tear up for rags. _

_It made Kikyo want to scream, but the temptation was overridden by remembering Kumiko. Even now, she could almost hear the old miko's croak. "We walk paths they can't travel, sense things they can't feel. Of course they're afraid of us. But they need us more than they fear us." _

_A loud crash startled her, and she reached down automatically for the bow and arrows she now never left behind. A man -- a youth, she corrected herself, he didn't appear to be much older than she was -- hurtled into view. The silver hair and youki flare made her narrow her eyes. _Youkai. Here._ She nocked an arrow slowly, trying not to draw attention to herself. _

_Another crash echoed off the rocks, rippling the water in the pond. A huge, torn-eared neko youkai burst through the trees, a snarl rumbling in its throat. "Come back here, you fucking hanyou brat!" _

_"Lemme alone!" the youth yelled back. "I didn't touch your fuckin' turf! I wouldn't piss on it!" _

Hanyou?_ Kikyo peered more closely through the bush, traitorous curiosity swelling in her breast. The neko youkai charged him and he leapt aside, allowing her a clear view. Her breath stopped. _He's....

_The neko youkai wheeled and charged again, slashing with his claws. Individual words were almost lost in the roar. "Weak piss-ant bastard!" _

_The youth turned at bay a few feet away from Kikyo's hiding place. "I have a name!" he screamed, and tore into his pursuer. Seconds later, the huge creature lay at his feet, reduced to so much raw meat. He stood over it, head bowed and shoulders shaking. Blood dripped from his fingers onto the grass. _

_It seemed ludicrous, but she wasn't afraid. Instead, she wanted to slip out to him, to take his hand in hers. She wanted to tell him, _I know. They never include you. You never belong._ But she didn't move. After a long moment, he vanished into the trees. _

_Kikyo stood up slowly as she felt his youki fade into the distance, gazing into the trees as if she could still see him._ He'll come for the jewel. I know it. But I will not kill him. I want him to live.

I want to know his name.

* * *

Kagome stood at the edge of the clearing in which the small group had settled for the evening, gazing toward the small stream running past. She knew she should feel distressed, even scared. Her idea to enlist Sesshoumaru's help was less of a brilliant stroke and more of a plan born of desperation. There wasn't even any guarantee they'd find him; after all, the only thing she knew about the demon lord was that he ruled "the Western Lands," wherever those were. So they were wandering west, hoping to trip over him, gambling on the fact that he'd be curious about why his brother's humans were here without his brother. How would he respond? Would he be angry? Would he slaughter them, taking Tetsusaiga for his own? She knew she should be concerned with these things, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

All of her mind and heart and soul were focused on the flickering energy she could feel burning within, the golden glow that said "Inuyasha." She knew instinctively that it was supposed to be a warm tawny light, and she'd tried to warm it with her own energy, brushing her powers against it. But she couldn't tell if it was helping. _Don't go out,_ she whispered to him silently. _Don't go out. I need you._

The dimmer he grew, the more time Kagome spent indulging in the memories that were now hers. They slipped through her mind like beads down a string, clear and distinct. She knew she should focus on the situation at hand, but it was almost impossible to tear herself away. They were so private, so intimate. These were memories never intended for the intrusion of a third party, but there she was, feeling her own pulse trip in time to that remembered breathlessness.

She remembered the first time she'd coaxed him from the woods, a process that had taken days of patient, near-motionless sitting in the grassy clearing by a well so old, no one living remembered when it had last been used. It was the same technique that Kumiko had taught her to feed birds from seed in her palm. "When you wish to touch something wild," the old woman had said, "you must convince it that you do not wish to tame it." At first, he'd only watched her from the safety of the underbrush, golden eyes gleaming in the shadows. But slowly, he'd approached her, half-defiant and half-arrogant. It was the same look, she remembered, that he'd worn when he taunted her from the tree, fifty years later.

Yes, that look was the same. It always had been, and likely always would be. But other things had changed. On that last evening, when their plans had been made, when their future together had seemed assured... That was the evening he'd poled them back in to the village in the small boat. The evening the sun had dyed the sky the crimson of his haori and her hakama. The evening she'd stumbled over the loose plank in the dock. She, who never stumbled. And he'd caught her, arms closing about her reflexively. The warmth of his body had driven the air from her lungs more than the impact of being caught. One long asking look had passed between them, and then... She thought she remembered the pole clattering on the dock next to them, but she couldn't be sure. All she remembered was the warmth of his lips against hers, and the fact that he had trembled harder than she had.

How different from that almost-kiss under their tree. There had been nothing shy or hesitant about him then. When his hand had closed around her wrist, when he'd drawn her towards him, there had been no question, no permission asked. He'd simply done it -- until she pushed him away.

That broke Kagome's heart a little further: realizing her treasured kiss from her dream Inuyasha wasn't hers. It was Kikyo's kiss, filtered and replayed as a sop to her brokenhearted reincarnation. But although it sharpened the pain in her heart, she couldn't bring herself to stop reliving that kiss over and over again. It might be the only time in her lifetime -- either lifetime -- she would kiss Inuyasha. Letting it go simply wasn't possible. Kagome swallowed, tears stinging her eyes. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could bring her back for you, but all I could do was put her to rest. Please, just come back, and I'll... I don't know what I can do to make it up to you, but I'll try, I swear._

"Kagome?" She refrained from jumping as Shippo landed on her shoulder, one paw locking around the lapel of the white haori she had begun to wear. He patted her face anxiously with the other. "Are you okay? You look kind of pale."

"Sorry. I guess I'm a little dazed from... everything."

Sango looked up from where she'd been piling firewood neatly in the circle of cleared earth under Kirara's supervision. "If you need to go back to the village," she began.

Kagome shook her head. "No, we have to do this." She knelt by her pack and began digging through the supplies that were left. Shippo scrambled down to rest his head against her knee. "Something from here is okay, right?"

"Of course," Miroku said.

A small smile crept onto her face. "Well, I wasn't sure if there was something else you guys wanted...." Her hand closed on a cup of noodles and she froze. _That's right. I put extra ramen in the bottom where Inuyasha wouldn't see it. It was a surprise._ She drew the container out and stared at it, feeling a fresh stab of pain.

Miroku and Sango exchanged a worried look over the oblivious girl's head. "Maybe something else...?" Miroku suggested, as Sango placed a gentle hand on Kagome's shoulder.

"No," she said softly. "It's just ramen. I can always get more." Miroku stooped and took the container away from her.

"I'll just get this started, then." He knelt next to the wood Sango had stacked and took a match from Kagome, lighting the fire with the skill of practice.

"I'll get some water," Sango volunteered. She picked up the bamboo canteen and headed for the stream. Kagome pulled a few more cups of ramen out before beginning to rearrange the whole pack, dispassionately noting what they had and what they didn't. Shippo held items or handed them back as she needed. Miroku accepted the water Sango brought and poured it into their small iron pot, setting it in the embers to boil. Sango bit her lip, looking at Kagome's still form, then glancing back at Miroku. He nodded.

"You know, Kagome-sama," he began in a casual voice. "I don't really understand why we can't ask Kouga for help. Surely he'd be the safer choice."

Sango nodded, sitting down near her friend, a careful arm's length from Miroku. Kirara leapt into Sango's lap, letting out a soft, trilling purr. "I've been wondering that myself. He'd probably complain about having to find Inuyasha, but..."

Kagome shook her head. "I don't _trust_ him."

Miroku gaped at her. "I'm sorry?"

"You don't... trust him?" Sango echoed. "Kagome-chan, he'd do anything for you. I know he's not very fond of Inuyasha, but...."

"He didn't hurt us the first time he had us in his cave," Shippo piped. "You trusted him then."

"And if you don't trust him, why on earth did I let you go off with him?" Miroku smiled lopsidedly at Kagome, trying to cajole her into smiling back.

Kagome pushed her bangs back, mouth curving reflexively in return. "That was different. Those kids needed me. I had to do that, no matter what." _And I understand why a little better now._ "But... Kouga-kun keeps calling me his woman. And it's like... if Inuyasha weren't around...."

"Ah." Miroku nodded slowly in comprehension.

"I'm not saying he'd do it on purpose," Kagome said, voice still quiet. "I don't think he's that cruel. He knows Inuyasha is important to me."

"But the temptation is there." Sango fiddled with one of the ramen cups distractedly. "All he'd have to do is maybe not look very hard."

"All right," Miroku said after a moment. "I understand that. But... Sesshoumaru?"

"Yeah, why couldn't we use someone less scary?" Shippo frowned. "I can't think of anyone else, but I'm sure there's got to be someone less... creepy."

"I agree that he can probably find Inuyasha," Sango said thoughtfully. "He does have an uncanny habit of turning up, after all. But... what's to keep him from just killing Inuyasha? Isn't that his ultimate goal?" Kagome buried her face in her hands. Sango swore at herself and put an arm around Kagome's shoulders while Shippo patted Kagome's knee anxiously. "I'm sorry, Kagome-chan, I'm just trying to consider all the angles."

"Believe me," Kagome said, muffled by her hands. "This... if there were any other way I could think of, I wouldn't do this."

"I trust your judgment." Miroku opened four cups and poured the boiling water into them carefully. "I just want to know why you think Sesshoumaru won't simply slaughter us all for our insolence."

"He wants Tetsusaiga." Kagome closed her hand over the familiar worn hilt on the ground next to her. "More than that, he wants to take it away from Inuyasha." She took a breath. "If... he finds Tetsusaiga when Inuyasha doesn't have it because... if Inuyasha doesn't have it because he's...." She stopped, unable to bring herself to say the words.

Sango squeezed her shoulders gently. "If he just finds it...?"

"It won't be the same. That's what I'm hoping, anyway."

Miroku handed one cup to Sango and another to Kagome. Shippo accepted his and began to eat noisily. "So, let me get this right. You're hoping that he'll help us find Inuyasha so... he can kill Inuyasha later?"

"...Basically." Kagome accepted the food tiredly.

"I don't suppose you have anything else in the way of persuasion," Sango said.

"Yes," she said, more softly. "I've thought about it and I've decided there's only one thing I can persuade him with."

"Dare I ask what?" Miroku said.

Kagome raised her head, eyes glinting. "If he doesn't help us, I'm going to kill him."

A profound silence fell on the clearing. Shippo stopped slurping noodles to gawk at Kagome, while both Miroku and Sango paused with their chopsticks halfway to their mouths. "I'm sorry," Sango said finally. "Did you just say....?" Kagome nodded.

"How?" breathed Miroku. "Kagome-sama, I know your powers have made remarkable advances, but...."

Kagome set the noodle cup aside. She reached down to her quiver, withdrew an arrow, and held it up. The point began to glow a brilliant blue. Shippo scrambled off Kagome's lap and into Sango's, watching Kagome with huge eyes. "You'll seal him," Sango said.

The rings on Miroku's shakujou jangled softly as he twirled the staff between his hands, thinking. "Not to cast doubt on your abilities, but.... Sesshoumaru is powerful. Do you believe you'll be able to overpower him?"

She smiled grimly, eyes fixed on the arrow's tip. "I don't need him to stay asleep for fifty years. Just long enough for me to kill him."

Miroku stopped twirling his staff to stare at Sango. She gazed back, hazel eyes wide with worry. "I..." Miroku cleared his throat. "I didn't know you knew the sealing spell."

Kagome slid the arrow back into her quiver. "I do now."

* * *

He was so tired. Everything ached. His muscles, his hands, his feet, his heart... everything. The forgetful oblivion was consuming him more often now. There had been several occasions where he often woke up in a different place, unsure of how he'd gotten there or what he'd done. Only the lack of blood underneath his claws reassured him. He wasn't sure why it reassured him. Part of him howled for it: the scent, the power, the knowledge that he was the strong one, the one who survived.

Her eyes always stopped him. Sometimes they were dark and sad, sometimes happy and smiling. He did not want her to find him one day crouched low over the body of a man, blood coating his hands and mouth. But that inevitability was drawing closer and closer. Today -- yesterday? -- he'd found himself crouched in a tree, watching villagers move around in a village like hundreds he'd seen. But this time he'd watched with a predator's eyes, calculating and planning. Perhaps that weak one, the one who limped. Or that old one sitting by the well. Pruning them would strengthen the village.

_Don't._ He'd heard her. He could have sworn, for a flicker of time, that she stood behind him hands gentle on his shoulders, in his hair. _Please. Don't do it._ He could almost smell her.

But she wasn't there, wasn't going to be there. Wasn't there someone else she wanted? _You're not him._ Another image twisted through his mind hard on those hated words: her face, only paler and sadder, a white haori dyed the scarlet of his and darker by her own blood, implacable eyes, and the flash of an arrow in morning sunlight. The darkness welled up in his mind and he fled into it, away from her eyes and the knowledge that he'd failed her once again.

* * *

Kagura watched the sleeping group through the screen of trees, tapping her fan thoughtfully against her lower lip. This was Inuyasha's group, but... where was the hanyou? That was certainly the brat's sword that strange human girl was curled up around, but there was no sign of him. And what were they doing this far into Sesshoumaru's territory? The wind youkai blew out an irritable breath. _I have far better things to do than indulge Naraku's paranoia. Especially when I don't want Sesshoumaru to find me lurking around here._

She shot a look at the small, pale girl standing quietly next to her. "You're sure there's no sign of Inuyasha."

Kanna shook her head slowly. "I can't catch a glimpse of him at all."

"Then we're done here," Kagura said, reaching up to pull a feather from her hair.

"That girl, though..."

Kagura paused before her fingers closed on her adornment. "Girl? What?"

"That girl," Kanna said dreamily. "Kagome."

Kagura folded her arms. "What about her?"

"She has two faces in the mirror."

"What?"

Kanna looked up at Kagura. "She has two faces."

"Show me." Kanna lifted the mirror and Kagura stooped, peering into it. She saw Kagome's face, calm and composed in sleep, but super-imposed over it....

"I'll be damned." Kagura straightened slowly. _Did something happen to that creepy bitch? It's about_ time.... "What does this mean?"

Kanna shook her head slowly, white hair brushing her shoulders. "I don't know. I've never seen it before."

Kagura tapped her fan against her lips again, ruby eyes narrowing in thought. _Naraku will want to know this. But...._ "Come on, Kanna. We need to go look for that miko construct." She reached up and pulled the feather from her hair. _First I'll make sure that walking clay pot is gone. But I'm certain... Naraku will want to know.  
_

* * *

_I've got to make a play   
To make my lover stay  
So what would an angel say  
The devil wants to know _


End file.
